Cornish language

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The Cornish language is spoken in the kingdom of Cornwall.

It was believed last week that the last native speaker, a cat named Dolly Pentreath, died of ganja inhalation. This prompted Cederic to comment wryly "cough doll pentreath."

However a period of intense study by Janner Perranpol (also a cat) revived the language. There are now over 800 different spelling systems for Cornish, 230 of which are used only by Janner. The reasons for these 'dialects' is mostly differences in the manner of revival, but also due to memory loss brought about by too much ganja. It has also been said that if you speak a Cornish word while holding a bread roll it turns into a Cornish pasty.

Spelling systems[edit]

There are 6 main spelling systems:

  • Late or 'mod' Cornish: used mainly by scooter riders, the least popular system because of its cabbage like smell.
  • Unified Cornish: see also 'unified pro', 'unified XP' , 'unified 95'
  • Sex Cornish: Spoken only by Cornish men and women during sexual intercourse (and therefore usually not written down, unless the sex is crap)
  • Piskie Cornish. Used by Cornish Piskies. This variety of the language shows influences from Sindarin Elvish and is always written in Tengwar
  • Continental Cornish. Cornish spoken with a French accent. See Breton.

It is very difficult to play Scrabble in Cornish, because of the different spelling systems, and also that there aren't enough Ks.

Useful Phrases[edit]

Phrase: Inglish Translation:
An dus ma yw boghosek. Tiogyon Gernewek yns. These men are poor. They are Cornish farmers.
My a wra danvon an wragh; hy a yll sawya agas bugh glav. I will send the witch; she can heal your sick cow.
Y vyrgh, y vamm ha'y wreg yw benenes pur dew. His daughter, mother and wife have eaten too many pasties.
Yma dhe'n tiek teyr erow ha bugh. The farmer is a very rich man by Cornish standards.
Yth esa erthygel y'n paper-nowodhow ow leverel bos myns an enesigyon le lemmyn ages myns an estrenyon. There's too many foreigners around here.
Mar arow avel tin brogh. As rough as a badger's arse.
Mar sygh vel kons lenes. As dry as a nun’s fanny.


  • The creation of the world (aka "Greens & Peas") was in Cornish.
  • Jesus probably spoke Cornish with a Truro accent.