Colon-B

The allmighty :B

:B

Colon-B, better known simply as :B, is a worm with buck teeth, capable of slaying gods and eldritch entities with ease. Thanos, Shaggy at 112% power, Goku, Matt from Wii Sports, and God himself teamed up to wipe :B off the face of the earth, but they were all forced to retreat within minutes (except for Goku, who was hospitalized.) Even Leaf Man didn’t stand a chance.

:B is Cthulhu’s idol, and every day Cthulhu fantasizes about fighting :B, although he knows that he would lose in seconds.

Backstory

The full body of :B.

In winter of 1882, :B, born Colonelius Betavermis Castorodento, was born in a small wormhole underneath a treeless hill in western Kentucky. His eyeless, toothless cousins were far smaller and weaker than him, and he stands as the first worm in history to obtain legs.

His family banished him from their homestead at a young age, declaring him to be a traitor to all worms. Due to this, Castorodento went off to survive on the wild frontier of… aboveground. The challenges faced by worms aboveground forced Castorodento to battle sparrows, frost, dryness, robins, hipster moles (Living underground is too mainstream), farmers, and many other things that hole-dwelling worms rarely face. Due to his abandonment, Castorodento adopted the moniker of :B, with the “B” standing for “big boy”. Thus :B was forced to grow even bigger, stronger, and tougher, until he was the world’s most powerful invertebrate.

Does baby Godzilla look like he’d stand a chance against the almighty :B?

Kaiju-battling career

Due to being a worm, many creatures of the earth doubted :B’s true potential. Due to this, :B traveled to Japan to prove his true potential. There he met Godzilla, who was still a baby at this time. Of course, baby Godzilla was no match for young :B’s strength. Baby Godzilla then sent :B off to fight everything else that has crawled out of the sea in Japan… :B was defeated, just barely.

After his defeat, :B trained almost 24/7. He couldn’t get tired because he was an ultra-powerful worm. His training process involved:

• Importing exploding stars from an alien intergalactic trade system
• Surviving the heat, gravity and pressure of Earth’s core for days upon end
• Building a giant meat grinder (he walked right through it like it was nothing.)

That time :B made a bet with God himself

Feeling extremely confident, :B then went to challenge GOD to a fight. God laughed at this, until :B built an Elevator to Heaven. It was at this moment when God realized that he’d fucked up, so he surrendered to :B immediately.

Thanos Snap Survival

Thanos tried to snap :B out of existence multiple times, but it just made :B feel a slight tickling sensation.

Powers possessed by :B

We could not make a full list of :B’s powers, since he’s mastered skills that only aliens know about, as well as nearly every technique you’ve ever seen in a comic or cartoon. :B operates based on cartoon physics, so if he were to be crushed, he would pop back to normal, completely unharmed in seconds. :B’s favorite technique is to summon large amounts of black holes using glitches he found in the Matrix’s code. However, he sees these black holes as mere taunting, despite the fact that each of these black holes could easily destroy a large star. Indeed, these black holes are nothing to :B, who eats galaxies like Cheerios.

And yes, :B is fully aware that we live in a simulation, due to his powerful cybernetically enhanced brain. One of :B’s favorite pastimes is hacking the supercomputer that the universe is simulated with.

See also

That little wimp down the street