Coastie

A typical coastie.

Coastie, or "coasty," (plural: coasties) is a slang term for a young female from the coastal regions of the United States. The term is primarily used in a derogatory sense in Midwest college towns to describe a female who appears to be significantly mentally challenged and exhibits a unique sense of fashion. Interestingly, the term is frequently applied to females who are not even from the coastal areas of the U.S., but to any girl appearing to fit into the stereotype, even if she is actually from Illinois, Texas, or even England. A coastie's natural inquisitiveness and curiosity are often her only assets. When she asks you if a number is in the millions or billions place, she is really reaching out to you for help, and affirming her subservience to you. Said subservience is disussed further here.

Nomenclature

The term "coastie" seems to be referring to the general geographical region from which the female came from, the coast, despite the fact that some coasties are not from the coast. Not surprisingly, the term is also widely used with varying expletives (example: "fucking coastie" or "coastie bitch") which further serve to exhibit a sense of insult and disgust. Coastie in some circles is also synonymous with whore, reflecting the traditional view that most coasties are easy, don't have the requisite intelligence to comprehend simple words, and certaintly don't have the power to say no, even if they really wanted to.

Fashion Concerns

A typical coastie is rarely seen without several essential fashions and other indespensible accessories. Below are just a few of the wide variety seen in the coastie world with remarks.

Typical coastie boots.

Boots

First, and perhaps most important in the coastie arsenal, is the footwear. Actually, coasties do not have a choice of what to wear on their feet. Boots manufactured by the Australian maker Uggs are the only acceptable form of footwear for a coastie, and this singular feature is often the basis for forming the stereotype. If a girl is seen wearing Uggs, the coastie label is applied. Uggs provide warmth, even if it is sixty-five degrees outside and any sane person has put on tennis shoes or flip-flops. They offer a broad range of styles, but almost all of them provide a soft, flammable fleece, which is easily ignited in case of an emergency, or in the event that the coastie should happen to drop hot ash from her cigarette on herself.

Coasties displaying typical eyewear. Note the nighttime setting.

Eyewear

Also important to the coastie appearance are sunglasses. Coasties seem to prefer large, Hilton-like glasses or aviator style glasses, and wear them any time of day or night. These dark glasses serve a multitude of purposes, ranging from blocking the sun's harsh rays, to avoiding the potentially lethal cum-shot from causing damage to her eyes when giving fellatio to nearly any male who requests it, or any male who is nearby. Glasses also offer a means of protection from detection of drunkenness by police officers, who obviously cannot see their heavily dialated pupils under those tinted lenses. Ironically, the average coastie does not understand that the police will make her remove them in the event she is suspected. Not that she would understand what the officer meant when he requested that she blow in the tube with his pants still on.

Typical standard-issue coastie mobile.

Cellular Phone

In these technologically advanced times, nearly everyone has a cell phone. Coasties, of course, have their own very special sort of mobile phone. The pink Motorola Razr is one of the few acceptable mobiles for a coastie. Not only does it accent the garish nail polish frequently observed on coasties, the high contrast colors may serve as a last warning to the driver about to run into the stupid out-of-state female who is clunking across the crosswalk in her Uggs and chatting on said mobile in a high-pitched voice oblivious to the world around her. Other coastie phones are required to be shiny, able to be flipped open for coolness, and generally emit high-pitched excessively loud ringtones that disturb everyone around them. It has to be shiny, because otherwise she can't find it in her large, expensive purse.

Only fleece acceptable for typical coastie.

Outerwear/General Clothing

• Warmer Weather On a warm day, coasties can be seen wearing tiny miniskirts and shirts that are see-through and easily removed (in case of a chance sexual encounter on the street.) The general rule for a coastie in the summertime is tan, tan, tan, and display as much skin as possible. While sporting those same sunglasses of course. In some cases, this ideal of "less is more" is really true: nobody is disputing that coasties are often hot.

• Cooler Weather As weather turns to cooler temperatures, coasties adapt the only way they know how: North Face Fleece. This college-staple brand fleecy jacket is a must have on at least two colors - white and black. The skirt is sometimes still worn, even in the coldest winter climes, but is often supplemented by thin leggings which serve little known purpose. Other coasties prefer to wear sweatpants, frequently with the name of your mom across the ass in large, easy-to-read letters. As winter sets in, North Face fleece is often replaced by a large fur-lined parka style jacket. Coasties seem to prefer lighter colors for these jackets, which allows them to better blend in to the snowy streets where they are found laying after slipping and falling, from the lack of traction in their Uggs. The lighter colors also make them look damn silly after they get dirt on them, making them appear rather like dirty marshmallows clunking down the street. Dirty, skirt-wearing marshmallows.

Habits

• Coasties engage in a wide variety of habits clearly observable by the common viewer. The main factor influencing this behavior seems to be their obvious lack of intelligence, sometimes referred to as "blonde-ness." Their consistent inability to think for themselves (displayed by their matching fashions and similar mannerisms) is only surpassed by what could only be described as outright stupidity. They speak with a coastie accent. This style of speaking rarely uses large words, involves the frequent use of expletives in an exclamatory manner (particularly when, as an example, said speaker has "broken a nail" or other insignificant trauma,) and is capable of rapid-fire talking to other coasties in a communication style so fast that to a casual observer it appears that they are having an oral seizure. Also, they frequently speak in upward inflections, or "question-talking," in which each sentence sounds like a question, even if it is really a declaratory statement. This style of talking has been satirically parodied on many different social commentaries.

• Coasties are never seen on bicycles. Ever. Their glasses would fall off and they would have trouble understanding how to stop the bicycle. Not to mention the problems caused by enormous fleecy boots. As far as automibiles go, coasties often have very nice cars that would better suit their college professors. However, coasties are rarely seen operating a motor vehicle, and in fact, few coasties are successful automobile drivers. Whether this is a direct result of their lower intelligence or their persistent cell phone habits is still under debate, but what is certain is that at least two coasties are required to be considered "in control of" a car. That way, if one is distracted suddenly by a shiny object or an attractive male, the other one can yell as they are about to impact a building or other obstacle, giving the other one just enough time to swerve crazily around while also yelling, thereby avoiding an accident. In short, coasties are not good drivers. This is why nearly all coasties walk. Walking is perhaps also the safest mode of transport for a coastie: imagine a coastie attempting to board a bus. A bus would most likely puzzle a coastie, and lead them to ask anyone standing around them why that car is so big and only has two doors. Walking also offers the shortest distance to the ground when a coastie trips from wearing her boots.

• Coasties are seen alone only during daylight hours. Most coasties are naturally incompatible with each other due to drama, and therefore prefer to travel alone. However, during weekend evenings, they are seen in flocks of alcohol-impaired females staggering around. It's hard to walk in Uggs anyway; it's harder to walk in them drunk. Coasties have to party together, because no one else can stand their incessant incoherent babble and upward inflections except other coasties. They tend to have extravagant parties in their apartments, because their parents finance them. Coasties often have kind parents who understand that their daughters need help, but simply cannot bear to accept that their offspring are, in fact, coasties. Therefore the parents throw money at them until any normal person would have become overwhelmed. This excessive financing is what allows the extravagant coastie lifestyle and permits them to have nice cars.

• Coasties are often college students. Coastie undergraduate majors vary widely, but most focus on some vague program such as Pre-Med, because they are really only enrolled for the social atmosphere. Since mommy and daddy pay for everything, the coastie has few responsibilities financially, other than covertly supporting her undercover crack habits.

Precautionary Notes

• It is unwise to attempt to engage a coastie in conversation. Doing so may cause your head to asplode from her sheer lack of common sense and constant questioning. It is better to smile and nod convincingly while pretending not to notice that her skirt is blowing in the wind and you can see the kitchen sink. Damn, that has got to be drafty.
• It is perfectly acceptable to engage a coastie in conversations, but it is only recommended if one is in search of a good bout of herpes or something similar. They are often attractive as fuck, and make great sexual partners, because that's one particular sort of knowledge they counterintuitively do have.

See Also

(listed in order of descending unimportantness)

• Paris Hilton
• Bitch
• Maryland
• California