Carnivegan

As with most moral dietary choices, it is unclear where Carniveganism began, but its objective is clear. Its supporters call it a "Reaction to help balance the omnivorous nature of man", while its opposition refer to it as a "Hideous perversion of everything good in the world". On its most basic level, a Carnivegan only eats things that they know have felt a significant amount of pain in their lives.

The Omnivorous Nature Of Man

Human beings are Omnivores, and as such survive through eating both meat and vegetables. However, due to recent developments in both food products and distribution, as well as a more "live and let live" morality in the world, vegetarians and vegans have come to the forefront, choosing only to eat vegetables and other non-animal products (e.g. tofu). However, in a valiant attempt to rebalance the omnivorous nature of man, many people have come out and become carnivores, who will eat only meat and save the precious vegetable community. Most carnivores either reside in the southern United States or are currently on the Atkins diet. However, carnivores are only able to balance out the more moderate vegetarians, leaving still an imbalance owing to vegans more severe look on dietary needs. Many believe that carnivegans came as a natural way to counterbalance vegans and restore order to the omnivorous nature of man, but this has not been proven. All that is known is that since their conception, carnivegans have gained in numbers and have caused the unnecessary but delicious suffering of hundreds of thousands of animals worldwide.

How Do You Know It Has Suffered?

This chicken may still be alive, but it's well on its way to being a carnivegan-friendly meal!

The biggest problem for carnivegans is that there are very few ways to make sure that their meal has really suffered through their life. Most experienced carnivegans can taste the suffering as their meal drips off their tongue, but it is important that one knows about the suffering and pain before the first bite is taken.

Some of the more common ways to ensure that the animals have suffered excruciatingly through their short, miserable lives is to beat them regularly, put them in small, uncomfortable cages (preferably with barbed wire strewn across the floor), and submit them to various rounds of psychological torture.

Hardcore carnivegans with black belt, 3rd dan or higher, are devoted to a strict diet consisting only of live animals which screams and sprawls from pain and agony during at least the first five minutes of the meal.

Carnivegan Recipies

Pork/Chicken/Beef/Dog/Cat/Koala/Dolphin Flambe

6-8 lbs of each animal cut into slabs pre-mortem

1 1/2 Litres of vodka

Salt to taste

Take the slabs and skewer them onto a large wooden stick. Coat with the vodka so that it is covering the surface area of the meat. Place the meat over a firepit and ignite the vodka. Cook until vodka burns off and meat is roasting. Extinguish flame when desired cooking time has been reached (Rare: 30 seconds - 1 minute, Medium Rare: 5- 10 minutes, Well Done: 45 minutes to an hour). Serves 4

Carnivegan-Friendly Milk

I discovered that it is possible to make carnivegan-friendly milk as long as it has been punched from the udders of the cow. Place glass under cow's udders, and beat until glass is full.