Brooklands

“Sex was everywhere! I saw a man sitting in the paddock... on another man's face. There was lots of that kind of thing going on. We were young, handsome pioneers of motor sport. We felt we could do just about anything at Brooklands, and we invariably did.”

~ Nigel Mansell

Taken from the Hindenburg, before running aground near Swansea, showing the Victorian Smile. N.B. The Hindenberg occasionally made it into the stratosphere.

Brooklands was a 2.75-mile (4.43 km) motor racing circuit and aerodrome built near Weybridge in Surrey, England, United Kingdom. The birthplace of "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang", it is not to be confused with Brooklyn, New York. Or Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyll-llantysiliogogogoch, in North Wales. It has also been known for Brooklands to be confused with a Victorian woman's smile. At the time of this going to press we were unable to interview any Victorian ladies to vouch or refute this claim.

Perhaps if we walk 3000 ft into the Earth's sky we can see why:

The location of Brooklands is a secret, nobody knows where it is or how it was built. However, Brooklands still manages to attract thousands of visitors every year who marvel at the way she was built and a museum lies on the site of the old paddock.

The Victorian women's smile has been used to describe Brooklands since last August but for centuries before this, women (and occasionally children) have likened it to a "giant footprint in the Surrey countryside". This was something that Tony Robinson and Phil Harding could not resist investigating. Upon doing so in the "Time Team LIVE Christmas Day Special" the team discovered the remains of a 3 mile by 1 mile Roman sandal which is now displayed in the "Roman Gallery", at the British Museum (Folded up).

King Hugh Locke

King Hugh Locke. His wife, motor cars and eating pipes were his only passion.

Brooklands was the brainchild of one Hugh Locke King. Sorry, King Hugh Locke, who took over from Edward VII while he was on the toilet. Built with the intention of breaking the law, the track was, for a brief period in 1930, sent to prison for 6 months for breach of the peace, and released due to lack of space. This was also linked to the "Redistribution of inmates" bill, which led to the formation of the Labour Party 30 years previously.

Across Europe, wops, spicks and nips were wheel-to-wheel racing eachother for the love of a woman (later turned out to be a man) and the glory that motor car racing could provide.

Upon returning from holiday in Alaska, a travel weary King Hugh Locke couldnt believe he hadnt seen one British racing car driver there and was very cross indeed... At Thomas Cook's for ballsing up his travel itinerary. He was then reimbursed and finally made it to Italy, where he returned VERY cross indeed. Again no British racing drivers, and the food didn't agree with him.

Horseless Carriages

Mansell in 1992, 85 years after his first Grand Prix victory, at Brooklands.

At the time, in Great Britain, the speed limit was 12 1/2 mph. 1/2 mph slower than the average Policeman. All horseless carriages had to have a Jester fooling about infront of it down the road to warn/amuse potential pedestrian fatalities. King Hugh Locke was incensed and went about building a track to give British motor racing a chance.

And so he embarked on building the world's first racing track. After the same time it takes a female human to gestate, the track was complete and the first race was won on 6 July 1907, by a young Nigel Mansell.

The press had a field day. After the field day, where they were covering a new type of traction engine, they made their way to Brooklands. It was a Motoring Journalists dream and they quickly called it the "Motor Ascot" but this tag didn't last long after the 20-horse pile-up in turn one, in 1909. After that cars were introduced to the track.

Brooklands soon became the heart of British motorsport and many world records were set from the outset. The first being, Percy Lambert (midget) who set the pathetic land-speed record of 103.84 mph in his Six-cylinder Napier.

Percy's deformed half-brother Donald operated the pedals. Donald would sometimes insist on changing gears but Percy had an ingenious way of shutting him up.

Record after record was set, however, the most incredible and to this day talked about, was the pie eating contest held in the club house, where a chap called Papa Duke (Black) ate 37 full-sized pork pies drenched in petrol. Sick, unable to move, and annoyed by the taunts from the paddock of "Fatty fatty black bastard" Papa Duke set fire to himself and 1372 spectators. A dark period in Brooklands history but the record for most pies eaten and most spectators murdered stands to this day. The closest challenger was Jethro at the Barnsley Metropolitan, in 1987.

Jethro 10 seconds before the massacre. His world record breaking attempt was unplanned. He fell short by 97 spectators.

The Club House was the epicentre of the whole Brooklands experience, its motto of "The right crowd and no crowd" suggested its elitist status, although a brothel existed in the cellar and sexual diseases were rife causing many accidents. Accidents such as Brian Poole, in his Bentley, dying of AIDS coming out of the Railway Straight at 134 mph and infecting 13 track marshalls in the ensuing carnage.

Brooklands was also well-known for its aviation history. Manfred von Richthofen (Red Baron) landed at Brooklands in 1917, completely pissed after a Officers' Mess game went horribly wrong. The Brooklands Aerodrome also was birthplace to the prototype Boeing 747 which, due to an error in the plans, was built to 2/3's its required size... giving birth to BD/MA (British Midgets/Dwarfs Airline).

As many things did, Brooklands fell into disrepair during the Second World War. The last race was held in 1939, 32 years after the first (benefit for those of you who cannot count) and won, again, by Nigel Mansell. Brooklands life was like John Lennon's, but it wasn't from Liverpool, didn't marry a Jap but did die young! However, apart from that was nothing like John Lennon, at all, since Brooklands was a racing track and John Lennon was a human. All this being said; Brooklands left this life at the same age as Bruce Lee and Brian Epstein*, who were both regulars at the track. *The disease that Claimed Brian Epstein's life was contracted at Brooklands.

Present Day Brooklands

Your author at the 'Summer wife swapping spectacular', Brooklands.

You can still visit Brooklands! Little of the original track remains but you can see memorials to Papa Duke, and the late great Nigel Mansell. The remainder of the track is used for wife swapping and bloodsport events. It is well worth a visit, if not for the chance to poke something that isn't yours then for the amazing legacy Brooklands has left us.

“The Nürburgring is complete bollocks compared to this place.”

~ Michael Schumacher