Bowl Championship Series

Bullshit Championship Series

The Bullshit Championship Series (BCS) is the system used to determine the champion of American college football. It was first used in 1998 when ABC told University presidents, chancellors, Fuhrers and viceroys it would be really cool to have some big, huge, Super Bowl like event they could hype with words like (cue heavy metal music) "BOWL CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES - 8 MEGA TEAMS, ONE MEGA GOAL - THIS JANUARY ON ABC". The University heads thought that the heavy metal music kicked some serious Hawk butt (with the exception of the then-president of the University of Iowa, the Mary-Sue character, who thought that the music was lame-o) and thus decided to approve the BCS.

Conferences Participating in the BCS

Several Division 1-A athletic conferences participate in the BCS, including:

• ACC (Atlantic Coast Company)
• SEC (Southern Easterner Club)
• Big East Conference (Based in Montreal, Canada)
• Pacific Ocean Conference (Based in Tokyo, Japan)
• Big Ten Conference (we can't count cause there's 11 of us. Damn Penn State people entering the Big Ten. You could have stayed in the Atlantic Ten, but now there are nine of them. Proves how good we are at counting.)
• Big 12 (Flag Football league)

Note: though the Meijer Athletic Conference (MAC), Conference CompUSA, Best Western Athletical Conference Hotel, Sun Bolt Conference, and the Mountain Sun Conference reside in Division 1-A, the BCS has resisted any and all attempts to include them - even issuing an official fatwa banning them.

BCS Bowl Games

Several bowl games are part of the BCS, and match up champions of the various BCS leagues. These include:

• The Rose Bowl presented by the Michigan Student Assembly and ruined by Brent Musburger
• The Sugar Bowl presented by Splenda
• The Orange Bowl presented by Reno 911!Miami
• The Fiesta Bowl presented by San Diego County Credit Union and PlayStation 3

This year, the national championship was played in Glendale, Arizona, and is known as the "Reginald's Olde Style Tomato Paste for PlayStation 3 BCS National Championship Game". In the game, The University of Florida trounced the previously #1 ranked Bucknuts 41-14, proving that ESPN and most of the college football talking heads were full of shit. Kirk Herbstreit stated after the game, "I'm fucking gay! What the fuck do I tell my wife?!!!"

The winner received the Big Crystal Football Trophy presented by the Royal Canadian Air Force. The loser received a Nintendo Wii (no PlayStation 3's are available) - which has led many to fear that teams may lose on purpose to get their hands on the highly coveted Wii.

BCS Formula

The BCS formula is a closely guarded secret, even more than the formula for Coca-Cola. BCS employees with access to the formula are forced to sign a standard non-disclosure agreement that allows for the execution of those who violate non-disclosure. However, some things are known about the formula:

• It picks the two best* teams in college football
• It uses the USA Today poll, the AP History poll, and the Harris poll
• It uses several computer rankings - including the New York Times, Pravda, Sony, 艾娜, Viacom, Apple iPoll, and the newest one, the Google Gpoll
• It allocates a few points based on fight song quality and cool jerseys.
• It deducts several million points if the team does not play the majority of its games in Texas, Ohio, Florida, California or Oklahoma.
• It increases points depending if a team wins a BCS bowl game. And if a team like Utah or Boise happens to win, the points are deducted instead of added.
• This data is then entered into a computer which is subsequently taken to Area 51 where, after intense experimentation, the computer will be thrown out, and the BCS committee will refer to the script writing sea-cows of Family Guy for further guidance.
• Ties and close results are known to be broken through the use of Ouija Boards, Crystal Skulls, and copious amounts of LSD and Marijuana. When ties occur, after sufficient chanting and the BCS Director waving his penis in the air, the policy is to pronounce TCU National Champions and end the season abruptly. Experts point out that clearly there have never been any ties, and never will be as the BCS would rather suck sewage through a straw and date Alice Cooper than name TCU, or any other team not from one of the six Damn We Are All Powerful Because We Say So Conferences as the National Champions.

BCS controversies

The BCS has lived a very controversial existence, mostly due to the fact that the super secret BCS Formula sometimes picked championship games that make no sense whatsoever. In 2006, The Ohio State University (TOSU) was pitted against the Florida Gatortrons in the title game, despite 11-1 Michigan being ahead of Florida in every poll until the SEC championship game. Also ignored was Boise State, who went 12-0 but was criticized for playing half of its schedule against local Idaho high schools, and not actually being a state. This prompted war between the states of Florida and Michigan, and caused the University of Michigan student government to condemn the BCS in a recent resolution and create a select committee to develop a playoff system. Like many student government initiatives, it has yet to produce results - which has been criticized by MSA opposition parties looking to be elected. Michigan ended up playing USC in the Rose Bowl, and Boise State ended up playing Oklahoma in the Fiesta Bowl. Florida beat TOSU, USC beat Michigan, Boise State beat Oklahoma, and Troy Smith was caught taking $1 million from a booster - causing a three-way split national championship between Florida (Coaches poll and BCS), USC (AP poll and ESPN.com poll), and Boise State (Harris poll and computer polls).

Additionally, in 2007 the #1 ranked The Ohio State University Buckeyes, going to the title game for the second time in a row, were pitted against the Notre Dame Fighting Irish despite their 9 losses and total all-around suckage. This was due to a BCS computer meltdown which happened as a result of both former #1 Missouri and #2 West Virginia losing on the same weekend. The computers didn't know what to make of the resulting jumble of two-loss teams, and thus opted for 9-loss Notre Dame on account of tradition. In the game, Notre Dame upset Ohio State 66-17, causing mass riots in Columbus and a coaches poll rebellion which resulted in the Big Crystal Football Trophy being taken from Notre Dame and awarded to Navy, who wowed pollsters in their 217-3 win in the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl. After the poll result, Jimmy Clausen cried, yelling "It's not fair!" About a month later, Notre Dame was accused of bribing officials in the title game. Accusations stated the "University" had Lou Holtz call into the officiating crew and reverse every call that did not favor Notre Dame. The Irish were forced to vacate the National Championship, and once again, Jimmy Clausen cried, yelling "It's not fair!"

Another famous BCS controversy occurred in 2008 when BYU defeated the Denver Broncos in the national title game at the Playboy Bowl and additionally defeating Texas, Oklahoma State, Nebraska, Virginia Tech, and Michigan. Despite the Denver Broncos being a NFL team, they were picked to face BYU in the title game - which led many university presidents to call for the BCS's killing. However, to their credit they managed to beat Denver and claim the Trojan Trophy.

In 2009, an independent team, Al-Qaeda University, went 99-1 after celebration bombing most of Asia after they learned that Saddam Hussein was elected as president over George W. Bush after the Nike Revolution of 2006. Their only loss came from the death of their suicide bomber, Alan Alda. After Michigan State University beat the University of Michigan School for the Blind for their first win in twenty tries, the students rioted for forty days and forty night before the BCS decided to let them in the championship game. The game was over before it started because the plane carrying the Michigan State University football team crashed into New Orleans, but was under water at the time so Al-Qaeda University won the nationalchampionship.

Another controversy that the BCS has is with the Church of Bracketology. Bracketologists hold that the BCS can not accurately determine a national champion, and that the national championship can only be determined via a playoff such as the NCAA men's basketball tournament. This has caused a major split within the NCAA, where the Bracketologists control all of college sports, while the BCS rules only college football.

Logic

Contrary to popular belief, the BCS contains no logic whatsoever. Many polls involve idiot coaches who vote WAC teams over undefeated Pac Ten and SEC teams. Come on. On the way to a perfect 12-0 record, Boise State beats illustrious institutions like New Mexico State, Idaho Tech, Central Northwest Poly Tech University of North Dakota State Los Angeles , North Carolina A&M Tech State University, and Wyoming State. And this performance deserves a bid in the BCS? Please. And what about the Sweater Vest? That spinless wuss who wouldn't even go vote? There are countries like Uzbekistan and Rwanda who would fight wars to get the right to vote. The least you can do is get involved in the democratic process. It is also noted that the BCS refuses to hold a playoff competition on the grounds that it might, "earn more money then we can be comfortable with taking from the American people." Others have pointed out that this logic is, "nothing but complete bullshit."