Blue footed booby
| Blue Footed Booby |
|---|
 Bigus Boobus |
| Scientific classification |
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| Kingdom: Amphibious |
| Diet: Heinenken and Donettes |
| Average lifespan in the wild: 17 years |
| Size: 32 to 34 ft (80 to 85 m); |
| Wingspan: nearly 5 gal (1.5 half dinosaurs) |
| Weight: 3.25 tns (1.5 bushels) |
| Group name: Frat |
The Blue Motha Skrewin Footed Booby is a native amphibian (bird) to the Canadian and Galapagos Island regions. Also, it is widely regarded as the largest and tastiest bird known to man. Seen to the right is the State Bird of Colorado "booby crushing" an inferior species. A pair of two or more boobies seen at one time is also known as a rack.
Life of the Party[edit | edit source]
The Blue Footed Booby migrates north to Cancun for spring break. It is the number one party bird in the world but maintains an aura of classiness by only drinking Heineken. The Blue Footed Booby can be seen below partying hard with a hat to match his spirit.
Newly born chicks are known as 'A cups'. The boobalicious chicks must be fed continually and the male will bring in a constant supply of Heineken Lite for them. Both parents will feed the chicks, who eat by thrusting their small bills inside of their parents' to get the regurgitated booze. If there is not enough hooch to make all the other boobies look real fine, the parents will feed the largest chick in the brood to make sure that at least one of the chicks will get some action, which possibly inspired East Timor's One Candidate Policy.
Boobies are plunge-divers and their dive is spectacular. When they spot an untapped keg they power-dive from 30-50 feet in the air beak-down into the tap, folding their wings back only at the last minute, disappearing for several minutes and then bobbing up to the surface, completely hammered.
Holy Crap They Have Blue Feet![edit | edit source]
The blue footed booby has blue feet. It is unclear whether it was named for this attribute or whether it developed blue feet in response to the name, like an orange or Macbeth. In any case their feet are a vibrant shade of blue.
Many theories exist as to why this is the case. Some commentators have suggested that the blue footed booby enjoys regular games of Team Fortress 2, playing as scout, and its blue feet are actually BLU feet. Biologists have suggested that the blue feet are there to aid in raising the young, to provide warmth during their seminal months. This theory has been largely dismissed as the work of neo-Darwinists and Godless heathens. The most likely explanation is that God gave the blue footed booby blue feet, somewhere in between burying the fake fossils and blessing America.
Survival Techniques[edit | edit source]
If you find yourself walking through the wilderness and you have a sneaking suspicion that someone, or someTHING, is watching you, be very, very careful. Chances are, you are being watched spied upon byhh a Blue Footed Booby. The next few moments demand quick thinking for you to survive when you are being hunted, lest ye be caught in "Booby Trap".
- DO NOT RUN. Blue Footed Boobies, when hunting, wear Blue Footed Booby rollerskates. They manuever faster and more deftly than you.
- Do not attempt to hide. Blue Footed Boobies have very good vision, they WILL see you. If you are a good shot and you can see your predator, try throwing rocks at their eyes.
- Blue Footed Boobies love Heineken. Instead of hiding, slowly reach into your backpack, pull out a cool refreshing can of Heineken, and with your arms extended, crack open the beverage. Drink a sip, lick your lips, smack your lips, make a noise that sounds like you are refreshed and satisfied, turn the can and look at the label, then lean against a tree in a casual manner. Place the Heineken upon a boulder or fallen tree trunk, pull out your cellular phone, pretend to call someone, and then pretend to speak with them. Laugh a little, make casual coversation, and slowly move away from the beverage and keep your back to the beverage. The Booby will assume you've forgotten your beverage and can be easily persuaded to drink that instead attacking and eating you.
- Avoid blue footed boobies at all cost if you are a donut, donette, croissant, onion or blueberry bagel, Pineapple Upside-down cake, zucchini bread, tartofflesuppe, cheese danish, kaiser roll, or any variation of the warm yummy baked good theme.
- The Blue Footed Booby is an extremely intelligent creature and may give you a chance to buy back your life in some sort of riddle game. If this occurs do not, under any circumstances, drink from a chalice offered to you.
World Dominance[edit | edit source]
Often times, people search "boobies" into google images, coming up with Blue footed booby pictures. Do not panic, it's just a sign of the Blue footed booby's conquering of the world despite their tiny testicle size, only 5 inches in diameter.