Blairgowrie
“I didn't mean to make Blairgowrie it was a mistake.....honest!”
“If i could be arsed launching one of my many missiles the first place I would like to hit would be this hole! ”
“Aye its pure bangin this toon cos theres like 20 pubs for us all tae get pissed in likes!! ”
“I prefer Blair ged cause i can cause havoc in the crown!!! ”
“There is no hope of bringing modern living and values to this uncivilized shithole ”
“Ged sake God close your legs once in a while! this is what happens”
“Pure barry ged”
Blairgowrie (Blàr Ghobharaidh in Gaelic) is situated about 20 miles north west of Dundee. It is bound between 150 berry fields to the west owned partly by local laird/millionaire James Kayzer of Newtyle, partly by local farmers and is bound by the banks of the River Ericht to the east.
Blairgowrie has been officially dubbed ' The berry picking capital of the world ' by James Kayzer himself.
History[edit | edit source]
Blàr Ghobharaidh in Gaelic which literally translates as Blair Go-berry as this area was formerly known until the late 70's when it was re-named Blairgowrie to try and boost tourism and attract passers by on their way to Glenshee for a day's skiing during winter or a jolly in the car in summer. Unfortunately this proved to be unsuccessful as the stigma of being the berry picking capital of the world proved to be too strong. Also, people did not dare to stop for long in case the local scallywags from Rattray, on the other side of the river, came too close.
These days Blairgowrie's main purpose is to serve as a place for Polish immigrants to stay and get a job in the many surrounding fields picking berries so they can send the money home to their sick families.
Throughout the 20th Century, summer was known as Berry Season, when the town's minuscule population would often increase tenfold by the invasion of ‘Berry Gadgees’ (often ref as Hubbra Gadgees (or simply Wegians - see later) on account of rapid method of talking where all words/sounds sounded like Hubbra).
At the start of the "berry season", these ‘Gadgees’ would start the long, treacherous journey from their squalid multi-storey council lodgings in Glasgow, where whole families would pile into untaxed/MOT failure Transit vans and make their long voyage to ‘Blair for the Berries.’ Very often the Soft Fruit Harvesting Executives arrived in Mark 1 Zodiacs and Mark 2 Zephyrs that appeared in droves every summer with 7-8 berry stained weens peering out of rear windows.
The weegies, (species name Glaswegienus berripickerum) confused the locals with phrases such as "a'll brak yer neck wee a skeed ged", "ma, ah've skilt ma luggie", and for those employed in the local delicatessen, WM Low, the phrase, "hey pal, whar's the ginger?" had to be learned as part of the employment induction training.
Almost all these Gadgees were on Benefits, therefore a summer of fruit picking gave the opportunity to earn a ‘few extra spondooleeze’ without affecting their Giro payments.
It was always tough in Blair at this time; this influx of Gadgees would mean long nights of Sectarian violence, where large quantities Buckfast and Special Brew were consumed and street stabbings would no longer be confined to the weekends.
Thankfully the new generation of native Gadgee is too smacked up on heroin to make the long journey from Glasgow and their position has now been taken by East European students, who are frankly far more attractive and a lot better behaved.
The 70s and 80s also saw a large influx of Fifers inhabiting the area during berry season with their "yahoorye" battlecry and every sentance ending with "eh" or "ken"
Local Cuisine[edit | edit source]
A favourite cuisine amongs locals is the Pie Roll. Delightful combination where a Scotch Pie (which is manufactured from the abbattoir floor sweepings - contents include, snouts, udders, sphincter, scrotum, hair, phlegm, used elastoplast and a good dollop of lard) is then wedged between two extra layers of stodge known as a morning roll and can be eaten hot or cold. Best enjoyed, post 10 pints of Tennants/10 WKD's and is usually followed by a dessert of Gaviscon
- Raspberries
- Strawberries
- Ice cream from that wee shop at the traffic lights
Local Problems[edit | edit source]
Blairgowrie unfortunately has an infestation of a species called the Ned. These commoners roam the streets at night shouting words which you would probably not understand as they originate from the hole that they refer to as Glasgow. If you happen to meet one of these beastly creatures do not make eye contact and if it shouts "wot ya lookin at ya muppet" then my advice would be to run......fast.
Gang Warfare[edit | edit source]
There are many gangs in Blairgowrie, some of these include "The Rattray Rebels" and "The Blair Boys". They have many a rival gang, however, their main rivals are the infamous FBC (Forfar Bus Crew), who eventually plan to wipe out the Blair gangs and also Fife. Blair plan to join sides with Fife and have a fight to the death with the FBC.....no doubt this will end in tears and a lot of spilt Buckfast...
Space Program[edit | edit source]
In the early 1980s a secret government program was run in the town and surrounding area of Blairgowrie. DNA samples of the residents were harvested by NASA and used to populate a supposedly self sufficient colony in the nearby Sirius System, planet Tayside.
The colony was unfortunately a failure, as the selection of fauna chosen to provide a balanced diet for the settlers (Raspberries, Chips & Buckfast) failed to establish well in the new planetary conditions. A concurrent explosion in teenage pregnancy and dramatic drop in IQ due to inbreeding served to strain the new biological system to breaking point. As a last ditch attempt to cull the least productive members of the society, free buckfast in large quantities was made available on special occasions (known as Saturdae nites, or on the annual lunar conjunction Bray-mar nite), during which the undesirables could reduce there numbers dramatically through ritual glassings and road traffic accidents. Unfortunately the idea was too little too late, and those who could have rebuilt the colony opted to scatter further, leaving New Blair to self destruct.
A final transmission was intercepted in 1993, three words repeated over and over "ged dear min" - Scientists have been unable to decipher the cryptic phrase. It has been postulated that it was some kind of warning of their final fate, something akin to "my god - its full of stars!" translated into a spakker language.
A decade later the ruins of the Uncivilization were overrun by a newly discovered parasitic lifeform – the Sutherntelecomyooter. The Planet has resultantly been quarantined and all records of the attempt have been expunged.
When asked why Blairgowrie was chosen for the experiment, an undisclosed NASA source said "We were drunk and just stuck a pin in a map". It is believed the head of the program has since been re-assigned as a test subject for improving toilet functionality in Zero-G.