Aslan, the "Big Red Dog," is the three-time winner of Best Groomed Mane Award from 2004-2006, five-time winner of Shiniest Coat Award 2001-2006, overall winner of Crufts 2005 and Times magazine's metrosexual of the 21st Century.
Poland, 1998. A weird half dog, half lion thing was born in a bin. He climbed out of the bin, and was adopted by a four year old girl called Lutiski who took him home and trained him to be a show dog, and named him Aslan, meaning 'Retarded Poodle' in Polish. In three years he had grown to 8' 7" tall and could roar louder than a Chav's exhaust pipe. However, his "owner" happened to be a small girl who didn't own any Barbie dolls, and Aslan found himself a groom-doll for Lutiski. He was entered into his first competition aged three, but it went slightly wrong when Aslan ate all the other competitors and all but one of the judges. He did, however, win first place.
That night, seven year old Lutiski was extremely angry and punished Aslan by torturing him with a red-hot poker for sixteen hours non-stop. Thus began Aslan's fear of children which he still has not got over to this day.
Aslan escaped from his
captor owner aged 7, which in Big Red Dog-Lion years is about 7. Here is roughly how Aslan escaped:
Aslan: "Look! A giant distraction!"
Lutiski: (Turning Round) "Where?"
Aslan escapes through the front door while Lutiski continues to look for the distraction.
Aslan wandered around town for a while but found that children were everywhere and he couldn't escape. Eventually, he staggered, whimpering, into a dark alley. Here he was approached by a mysterious stranger.
Stranger: "Hey. You wanna buy some Chronic of Narnia?"
Aslan: "Piss off"
Stranger: "I can see that you need some of this. Only $20 per ounce."
Aslan was annoyed, so he roared, ripped off the stranger's head and defecated on his dead body. He also stole the duffel bag full of Chronic.
Aslan grew into adulthood within fifteen minutes of starting teenagehood. In that time he managed to escape from his prison, kill a drug dealer and land himself with 200 kilos of Chronic of Narnia. Now, you have to understand that Aslan was severely depressed and in fear of all the children in the world, and normally wouldn't go off his head under normal circumstances. Nevertheless, Aslan decided that he wanted a release from the hell that was Earth. So he injected the Chronic into 2000 orange kittens and then huffed them all at once.We shall ignore the fact that this could possibly be seen as an act of cannibalism (seeing as Aslan is half lion which in turn is half cat which is half kitten which is half orange kitten) and focus on the fact that Aslan now found himself spinning wildly through a vortex of death into a faraway land...
Life in Narnia
Upon waking up, Aslan found that he was in a snowy land, full of CGI animated, imaginary creatures, such as centaurs and unicorns. He skipped through fields, singing Take That songs to himself, and thinking that this was truly heaven. But then he ran straight into a brick wall and was knocked out.
He woke up in a cave which had no fashion sense and piss stains on the wall. "Oh never mind that. This is just my house," said Mr Tumnus. Aslan went back to sleep.
Anyway, moving on. Aslan woke up chained to a lamp post. He opened his eyes and was immediately confronted by the sight of a 4 small children. He screamed and tried to escape, but they threw snow at him until he stopped resisting. "Hello" they all said in unison. "Our name is Petr, Edvard, Susanovic and Lucy. We don't want to hurt you, we want to be your friend." But all Aslan heard was "Grevflgargbbkugfabfakrurgrrbaujhlrba heguygg sjjbrefudgssf uund,ahh efgasvfgf." This was because he was a big red dog-lion and couldn't understand Slovenian. He did see, however, that the kids were all holding weapons and that they were children. He put 2 and 3 together to make 5, counted only 4 children and was so confused that he fainted on the spot.
When Aslan woke next, he found himself running around a field with the children on his back. He shrieked and tried to throw them off but they clung on and he couldn't get them off his back. He was so distracted by the kids and his terror that he didn't notice that he had fallen over onto a stone table. Then, there was a horrible laugh and an evil white hairdresser (who was actually black - she just had Michael Jackson surgery) appeared at his side. She took out her hairdressing kit and gave him a grade 2 all over, before stabbing him through the heart with her scissors. As Aslan lay on the table dying, he was relieved that his life of horror was finally over and he would never have to be near children again...
Aslan was sprinting towards the light as fast as possible, when suddenly he jerked to a stop. He turned and saw that his tail was stuck in a revolving door. He sighed in frustration, and wandered back towards the door. He turned the door, but this only succeeded in pulling him further away from the light. Then the door started turning by himself, faster and faster until it was a spinning cyclone. Aslan was sucked all the way in and a lift voice said "Floor 6. Earth". Aslan was ejected from the lift and fell down onto the stone table. He opened his eyes and was confronted with Susanovic and Lucy leaning over him. "You're alive again!" they exclaimed.
"Oh shit," muttered Aslan.