Angels of Heaven
Angels are the messengers, servants and agents of God as presented in the Bible (both the older unrated Testament and the newer PG-13 Testament), Quran, and Victoria’s Secret lingerie catalogues. As projections of God’s power they have many roles to play which span the gamut from delivering new creatures to earth and manipulating weather, to protecting/guiding/warning/2nd warning/punishing/final warning/killing humans as well as affecting the outcome of major sporting events. The NY Giants beating the NE Patriots in Super Bowl CLXXIV being the most obvious example of celestial interference.
Contrary to popular belief, angels are not perfect beings (with the obvious exception of the Victoria’s Secret variety) and are as prone to error as humans. Their greater power, however, magnifies the effects of their mistakes. During the Genesis period for example the delivery of the first flounder fish to earth was botched when the delivering angel got distracted by a passing flight of Victoria’s Secret Angels (before lingerie had been invented) and dropped the poor fish from too great a height. The impact on the surface of the water was so great it knocked one eye permanently to the other side of its face. Subsequently all flounder have both eyes on the same side now and must lie flat on the ocean floor, eyes-up waiting for prey, in order to survive.
Angels also have individual personalities which lead them to choose one branch of service over another. Those that were crafted to be gorgeous became vain and subsequently prefer catalogue work and dating rockstars, while the uglier/angrier ones use unkempt facial hair to hide their imperfections and prefer the company of their own mobile gangs when not nailing the whores from “LA Ink”.
Some angels work in the Mortal Relations department which is responsible for hearing and ignoring prayers, pleadings and requests for toys sent to either God or Santa, since many cannot tell the difference. This is done to give truth to the maxim “every prayer is heard”.
Angels of Fame
There are individual angels who have achieved celebrity status due to having good agents and PR representation which got them choice roles in the Bible, as well as those who worked their way into high profile positions.
- Malachim (translation: messengers), general word for angel
- Lucifer (translation: light-bearer), angel that challenges god, loses badly and sulks below ground forever
- Michael (translation: who is like God), performs God's kindness, leads the heavenly host in battle; notably kicking the unholy crap out of Lucifer that time
- Gabriel (translation: the strength of God), performs acts of justice and power e.g. opening tight jars for nice grandma’s if grandpa’s already gone
- Raphael (translation: God Heals), God's healing force, recently replaced by Obamacare
- Reffrael (translation: who covers the spread for God), causes fumbles, missed dunks, last second goals, unforced errors, and lucky knockouts
- Uriel (translation: God is my light), leads us to destiny
- Urinal (translation: God I’ve gotta go), leads us to restrooms just in time
- Muriel (translation: the beautifier), leads the ugly to makeovers, gyms, and lowfat foods
- Seraphim (translation: the burning ones), sing and praise God
- Malach HaMavet (translation: the angel of death) retired, position now open
- Satan (translation: the prosecutor), brings people's sins before them in the heavenly court
- Chayot HaKodesh (translation: the holy beasts)
- Ophanim (translation: arbits) Astrological Influence
- Hmerkavah (translation: the chariot), transports God's glory as God is too full of Himself to carry it Himself
Impersonation of Angels
Dut to the immense power, prestige and influence angels can have on earth it is a crime before God to impersonate an angel. Many men have tried, with varied success, to convince young virgins (the only kind left in non-muslim countries these day) to have sexual relations with them by claiming they were not men at all but angels sent by God as part of the second coming. After the third or fourth coming the sore virgins got sore and complained in prayer. Those men are now all in hell, where some believe their own virgin holes got deflowered. There is considerable risk even if impersonation happens accidentally. E.g. One performs a kindness and is complimented thusly: “Oh, you’re such an angel!” One should deny it vehemently, perhaps even accompanying the denial with a sharp slap across the face or knee to the groin. Heaven is far away, and though few would deny that though God can see everyone, it is not known how clearly. He is very old, after all. Considering what’s at stake, you want your denials of angelic status to be as clear as possible. Screaming “Shut the fuck up, you bitch!” while drop kicking the genitalia is as unabiguous as it gets. There’s no doubt that’ll be seen from as far away as the throne (at the top of the stairs, across the fields, and behind the pearly gates.)