American muscle

Michael Barnes with his respectable American Muscle that he developed during the off-season

“I lost my bag of Doritos under my American Muscle”
~ Ralphie May on sporting the American Muscle

“What would Jesus Brew”
~ Oscar Wilde on deciding whether he wants a Samuel Adams or a Miller-made gut

American muscle, also known as the beer belly or beer gut, is a rather large muscle sported predominantly by the middle-aged balding American man located on top of the stomach. The American muscle is the only muscle known to exist that gets larger with the less exercise you do.

Beginnings[edit | edit source]

The American Muscle was first seen by non-Americans when the Mexicans who discovered North America landed on Plymouth Rock in 1492. They were so revolted by the native practice of enlarging their stomach muscles that they left and never spoke of it again. Christopher Columbus was next in line to see the American Muscle. He had never been hornier in his life. He brought the American muscle along with maize and slaves back to Europe with him. The Spaniards, like the Mexicans, were simply disgusted while the mayor of Luxembourg was as intrigued as Columbus. Luxembourg tried the American muscle for a while but to no avail. They just did not have the right diet of Fried Chicken, beer, Potato chips, beer, tacos, beer, Onion Rings, beer, dead babies, and beer-battered beer. The Luxembourgians were little more than mildly obese at best.

Modern day[edit | edit source]

Today the American Muscle has gained popularity where ever McDonald's is sold. While McDonald's is not directly related it is just always in the wrong place at the right time. Although only true Americans can possess American Muscle, other countries can develop their own (such as the Ethiopian food-less gut bubble).

There are competitions held in the city of Backassward, Arkansas where men's American muscles are judged every year on June 15. The reigning champion is Michael Moore with Michael Barnes in a close second. The competition events are can crushing, the 100-meter trash, and the waterbed.

President William Howard Taft bragging about his superior American Muscle

Can Crushing[edit | edit source]

This is when an empty beer can is stacked on a concrete block and the participant's gut is dropped on top. After 1 can is smashed a stack of two replaces it. If the stack of two is smashed a stack of three replaces it and so on. Whoever smashes the tallest stack wins. The current record is held by President Taft with 57 from back in 1913.

The 100 Meter Trash[edit | edit source]

In this competition, a beer is placed every 5 meters down a 100-meter track. The first to finish the 20 beers and cross the finish line wins. The current record is held by Ted Kennedy with a time of 3 minutes and 14 seconds, placed back in 1973.

The Waterbed[edit | edit source]

The Waterbed is a simple competition. A baseball is whipped from a pitching machine at the participant's gut and if it acts like a waterbed you pass. Points are awarded for the amount of jiggle time and small bruises. The current record holder is American Jesus who forced his American Muscle to jiggle for 5 hours 20 minutes and 12 seconds and have no bruise.

How To build an American Muscle[edit | edit source]

This Typical Brown's Fan has a Prime Example of the American Muscle

The easiest way to build an American Muscle is to sit around on your ass while inhaling gratuitous amounts of high cholesterol fatty foods though your mouth hole. Have the lifestyle of a panda and the diet of a Cleveland Brown fan. Results are instant unless you have a high metabolism, then you'll have to just train harder. Do not expect overnight results though, it takes months to years to get a competitive American Muscle.