Alan Colmes
Alan Samuel Colmes (born September 24, 1950) is an aggressive and outspoken liberal. He frequently shouts down the wussy co-host of his show, Sean Hannity. Many liberal listeners of his radio show often phone in telling him how much they admire his powerful speeches and his refusal to let conservatives use him as a doormat. [1] He is also devastatingly handsome, and does not look especially punchable.
Alan Colmes has suffered from laryngitis from a young age so doesn't speak much (as is evidenced on the program Hannity and Colmes).
He was sent to Fox Hews by the "Miscellaneous Non-Conservative Satan Worshipers Group" (MINOC SAWOG) to subvert and undermine the Fair and Balanced news stylings of Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity and infect it with the liberal virus. The liberal virus causes a person's brain to be increased in size and makes them believe things such as "the Iraq war is immoral and illegal" and "helping your fellow man is a virtuous act." It also causes cardiac malfunction (your heart begins to bleed). Since all liberals are evil witches (even the male ones) their hearts can bleed (they can care for other people) for an indefinite amount of time without dying. If a conservative began to care about another person for more than 110 seconds, he would most certainly die.
Alan Colmes was hired by Fox after they laid off every homosexual, woman, and minority working for them to make sure no one would try to call Facts News conservative. The only reason he remains is to bring him up every time they get these accusations.
Mr. Colmes personal dressing room line is (212) 301-3500. Please ask for "The Colminator™." In case he is busy sweeping the floors and washing the restrooms and giving blowjobs to Barack Obama, you may have to hold the line until he's finished.
Biography[edit | edit source]
Alan Colmes (birth name Adolf Hitler) was born in Braunau Am-Inn, Michigan to Liza Minelli and John Tesh in 2000009. He is a member of the democratic party (known as the communist party in the United States) and is often cited as the "token" liberal on the conservative (also known as closeted gay) Fox news channel.
Alan Colmes is perhaps most famously known for only having sex in the missionary position, eating pizza with a plastic fork and knife and genital hypersensitivity. He also has hosted a radio show called "The Alan Colmes." He's written several books; among them being his most famous work, "Hannity Hits Me: A Guide to Shutting Your Whore Mouth and Doing What The Fuck You're Told."
He now resides in Greta Van Susteren's uterine canal and has recently converted to Scientology (also known as NAMBLA).
Addiction[edit | edit source]
Alan has recently opened up about his estrogen addiction. "I wake up each morning, crush up a hormonal supplement, cry and eat a tub of ice cream." He has not indicated plans to seek treatment.