COVID-19 is a sexually transmitted disease that will inevitably infect your family, your neighbor, your dog, and you by turning your lungs into a moldy sponge. It probably came about from someone eating an expired bat hotpot in Wuhan, China and sneezing it out. It is over 100% fatal in over 100% of cases and is likely worse than death itself which you'll find that out shortly. There is no known cure which you could afford unless you are Donald J. Trump. Some homeopathic entrepreneurs are marketing the drinking of bleach, finding internal sources of light, and taking daily multivitamins containing hydroxychloroquine. COVID-19 is airborne, liquidborne, gasborne, solidborne, and Jason Bourne. Infection is caused by simply looking at someone infected with the coronavirus, touching anything which they have touched within a week, being alive on Earth in the year 2020, or by a conjunction of Mars and Saturn in the constellation of Aquarius. The main group of people that get infected are Covidiots, Wolfsluts, and people who don't wear masks (which could even include your mom, your dad, or your friendly neighbourhood Spiderman). Some countries have instituted modest protective measures such as stapling masks to citizen's faces so they cannot take them off and a completely voluntary vaccination program where citizens are marched in at gun point and forced to be inoculated against the disease.
History and start
In December of 2019, George W. Bush, during a state meeting in China, was served bat meat a few days past the "sell by date". Bush had been sober for years and did not drink during the dinner. It is known that alcohol can attack bat-disease in human blood. This means the world would have been saved if Bush were still a coke-sniffing alcoholic. Bush immediately contracted COVID and then infected other foreign leaders who spread their nasty germs around the room.
In a way to scare dim-minded rednecks and stoned college students, Bush decided to name the flu the "coronavirus" after his father's favorite Mexican pale lager. The disease was a highly-communicable mutation of influenza with a fast-spreading infection rate that would kill within a few hours of getting it, I mean probably. The Fake News decided to cover the pandemic and determined it to be caused by trading bat meat outside the season when it is healthiest to do so, which is never. That's how COVID started.
After the virus singlehandedly tore down the Great Wall of China, Bush orchestrated the spread of the coronavirus around China shuttered at the speed of the legs of a female cat in heat, causing every province to be absolutely clapped by the coronavirus.
After thousands of successful Chinese deaths occurred, the hooty-tooty nerds at some universities changed the name of this disease to COVID-19. Bush was totally shocked that the virus was not completely contained within China. His plan to infect the world's biggest communist state slightly backfired when it hit Americans even harder. Bewildered by this unforeseen calamity, he decided to hang a "mission complete" flag on top of the WHO building. Eventually, the coronavirus had spread around the world. Europeans were dropping like flies and had to use gelatti factories as giant morgues. Even worse was an inconvenient back-log in Amazon orders adding an extra day or two wait for one's Taylor Swift mouse pad order. COVID-19 continued to spread quite rapidly, with the United States winning all the top prizes for COVID excellence (more awards than Meryl Streep has ever won). This included most deaths overall, the fewest shits given about wearing masks, and the highest toilet-paper-riot death-toll ever recorded.
COVID-19 is also an excellent example of the Theory of Evolution, as natural selection will take part and knock out some of the dummies going to beach parties in Miami.
The ten best ways to stay safe
1. Touch your face as much as possible.
- Touching your face as much as you can in order to keep you safe from the outside environment. This is because your hands are the cleanest part of your body and you can rub the cleanliness of your hands onto your face to make you cleaner. Also make sure to lick your fingers regularly to keep them moist. It tastes like chocolate.
2. Touch every handrail and surface in public that you can find.
- Rubbing and fondling every available surface at your disposal. Doorknobs, railings, subways poles, bus seats, and basically anything else frequently touched by other human beings, especially elevator buttons, are fair game. This method might be difficult for you especially, as you wouldn't know what it's like to be touched by another person.
3. Do not wash your hands. Ever.
- Washing your hands is counter productive. Hot water and soap agitates the virus and can make it angry and unpleasant to be around (they might insult your mom and/or call you gay through Xbox live game chat). When in contact with human skin, it can cause many problems like a tree smacking you in your face. Hand sanitisers are even more dangerous. Little bottles of disinfectant were created as chemicals to torture people during the Nazi occupation and to drain money out of local economies. That's the only explanation for why it tastes so bad when you drink it. When sanitiser hits any part of your body it becomes corrosive, only not the fun and pleasurable kind but the burny and bubbly sort. Purell? More like Pure-Hell.
4. Do not use face masks. They are useless.
- Don't use face masks at all. Celebrity doctor Anthony Fauci specifically said not to wear masks. Authorities will mistake you for a terrorist and kill you on the spot. You shouldn't be outside anyways but languishing from boredom at home. If you do wear a mask, it is highly recommended that you cut a hole in it to allow you to breathe. If you use facemasks as toilet paper it is recommended that you dispose of it and not reuse it as a mask. If you are going into a crowd, you must take your mask off as oxygen levels are lower than usual.
5. Don't cover your mouth when you cough.
- Covering your cough is for cowardly bitch-boys, and you don't want that, do you? I didn't think so. Let that sucker go and let everyone take a nice good sniff of your dirty, germy, gross mouth.
6. Purchase all toilet paper available.
- One of the most common symptoms of COVID-19 is being full of shit. Also, hoard supplies for the next 50 years, because who can tell if toilet paper will even exist then? As we all know, toilet paper can be useful for mummifications, zombies, and radiations if shit hits the fan even more. Even if you die in a toilet-paper riot, then you can't catch COVID and you've beaten it! It's a win-win situation.
7. Stay as close to each other as possible.
- There is strength in numbers. Make sure to stay together so if the virus attacks, you can fight it off more effectively. Staying 6 feet (2 metres, yes, exactly 2 metres) away is the virus's way of making us weak. WHO? More like Whore House Organization.
8. Lick windows.
- The grime on windows is delicious and your saliva is a cheaper cleaning product than Windex. Windows have natural vaccine like properties on their surfaces (especially in the most public places) that protect you from disease.
9. Sneeze in each other's faces.
- This is a fun party game for the whole family which helps transfer your antibodies between one another, making you all stronger. Since a sneeze is 1/10th of an orgasm, after sneezing on one another ten times it's as if you both built up an immunity to COVID and made sweet love.
10. Share the same cup around the office.
- There's no point in washing multiple coffee mugs and teacups. It is hard on the environment washing up all those dishes (all the wasted water and toxic run-off) and has a terrible carbon footprint. Since you are all adults now there is minimal risk of spreading cooties and zero risk of spreading COVID.
Care and cure
There is no cure for the coronavirus, and you will fucking die upon contact with any person from Asia, so make sure that when you feel remotely sick to tell everyone you know that you have the coronavirus. Also, make sure to say some blatantly racist statements with no backed evidence about Asian people. Asian people are totally aware of the shitty thing they did by inviting Bush to their country. If a random Asian person doesn't apologize when you pass them in the street then you should demand they do, preferably by yelling racist slurs while shoving them to a wall.
The virus has already caused hundreds of thousands of deaths, but it's a good chance that even more people die of boredom. They get so bored when they're in quarantine, and everything's closed, that they just bore themselves to death. An increased rate of deaths by boredom was recorded when Fortnite's servers were down on March 17th, 2020, because Fortnite players have nothing better to do. A statistically significant uptick in mortality rates by acute excessive jerking-off has been noted since the onset of quarantine. Tissues and hand-lotion sales have absolutely skyrocketed as well as the production of coffins. Anyone who owns a mutual fund that includes Kleenex and Undertakers Inc. will be able to retire early.
Anyone who wears a mask outside regularly completely covering their mouth and nose is doing it all wrong. Since you only breathe out of your mouth 100% of the time, it makes little sense to cover your nose. Scientific studies show that the discomfort from covering your nose with a mask causes lower productivity at work and has cost the world economy at least one billion Eastern Caribbean dollars a day. It is better to not even cover your mouth but let it hang under your chin which is actually what the masks were designed for (as a sweat and drool receptacle). If you must wear a mask, be sure to take it off when talking with people or they won't hear you as masks are as solid and thick as concrete. If you are in a large crowd, the concentration of oxygen is lower than usual and you need to take your mask off, otherwise you will asphyxiate within minutes.
One of the best ways to protect yourself from COVID is to get autism. Autism is a spectrum of brain enhancement which allows people to do everyday useful things like memorise the entire 2021 Major League Baseball season statistics. With autism, your brain sends out special autistic anti-bodies which attack the virus before you need hospitalisation. One should think carefully about preventative care as getting the disease and being hooked up to a breathing machine can be an entertaining way to pass the weekend. Previous patients recommend a tube down your throat as an experience not to miss at any cost.
If you still want the autism cure, all you need is a vaccine because science has proven that all vaccines instantly give you the most advanced strains of autism. The mercury, cyanide, and corrosive acids in vaccination injections will rearrange your brain, leaving you with one of many possible development learning syndromes. One cannot be sure which variety of autism one will end up with, making it a bit of a lottery. Regardless of how severe your retardation will be, you will enjoy COVID protection for life. You might ask your doctor to give you the Astrozeneca vaccine, as this has extra benefits that other vaccines do not. For one, it might clog up your arteries and veins with beneficial blood clots, which help flush out toxins from your system. You have a one in a million chance of getting these desired blood clots, so the more Astrozeneca vaccines you get, the more likely your blood will coagulate.
While most European countries and China have been particularly lazy and disinterested in containing the virus, the United States has led the way in vigilance and precautionary measures. Donald Trump, a concerned citizen, used his influence to ensure congress passed legislation mandating 24-hour mask use (even while holed up in your own house for months and especially while brushing your teeth), a six-month lock-down (no leaving home, even to buy orange make-up, cocaine, or cheap prostitutes) and the shuttering of all businesses, enforceable by a short three-year trip to a re-education camp. Some Americans, especially Facebook Karens, violated the stay-at-home order by going out to the local Mexican pub for happy hour while also complaining about immigration. Meanwhile, sober voices like Trump encouraged businesses to go bankrupt rather than aid in the spread of COVID, and he personally donated 50% of his net worth to charities (estimated to be -$5,000,000,000,000,000,000 USD after back taxes and debt were considered, meaning charities owed him money). Republicans went along with the wise advice which helped the United States reach the lowest infection rates worldwide. Trump convinced Americans to resist the dangers of vaccines and had the military instead personally deliver his book The Art of the Deal to every citizen free of charge. His book teaches people everything they need to know in order to succeed in life, which arguably would cover avoiding COVID-19 somehow. After the 2021 election, the United States' new president Joe Biden has gotten gracious help from the beautiful and powerful country China. Live long the people's republic of China! They will end this for us!