User:Gustavo Chapman 3rd of Normandy/america
America is the best!!! And I mean, THE best! Like, take all of the best countries you can think of right now. Such as
America is cooler than any of those. Well, maybe not Britain. But then again, Europe churns out a lot of crap.[1] America, and I mean the REAL America (not North America or Central America), is by far the best.
The America Story (How It Got So Awesome)[edit | edit source]
The America story is a glorious one. Our nation's enemies have tried to suppress the truth, using their mumbo jumbo language to retell it in their own jihadist, emboldened terrorist way. But here it shall be presented in an unbiased, Christian format.
Chapter 1 (God Chooses America)[edit | edit source]
“And then God sent his spirit into the world to separate the goats from the sheep. The goats, namely blacks and homosexuals, were cast into the lake of fire. However, the sheep, a.k.a. Conservatives, were given the most holy land on earth: America.”
As was mentioned before, America freaking rocks. How do we know? The Bible tells us. In the beginning, God told Abraham that his people would one day be stereotyped and discriminated against by the world in a land called Amerika. The name was later changed after the Russians adopted Satanism as their religion after the Russian Revolution.
This new country would become a safe haven from towelheads, hippies, pinkos, and blacks.[2] God would favor this country just as He favored John Adams when he invented capitalism, the greatest economic system in the world. He guided His people to America and instructed them that sex is cool as long as its safe. (Apparently the Catholics missed that meeting; they were off feeling guilty and praying to saints.)
Chapter 2 (Here come the Irish!)[edit | edit source]
“And as Jesus finished explaining the evils of alcohol, he reminded the people of that glorious exception to the rule: the Irish. 'They are the only race on earth to be completely sinless, and are therefore not condemned for drinking,' sayeth the LORD.”
After Satan cursed God's children with the Blight, they looked to God for guidance. He led them to the party barge that is the United States, and they took with them their rich culture and drinking games. Considering that the National Anthem was derrived from the tune of a drinking song, it seemed as if America was welcoming them with open arms. The Irish were persecuted or something, and they worked very hard as cops and stuff. And of their line came one of the greatest men to ever live: Bill O'Reily. He is living proof that the Irish were the greatest thing to ever happen to America.
And THAT'S another reason why we KICK ASS.
Chapter 3 (Here come the Jews! and the Blacks! and the Beaners!)[edit | edit source]
“And Jesus said unto his disciples, 'God only has enough love in his heart for one race. And unless a black chick starts giving me head right now, I'm thinking that He still loves the whites.”
Unfortunately, the only thing keeping America from exploding with flavor is the fact that minorities are still stinking up my country! We have Jews everywhere, Blacks in our schools, and Mexicans running across our borders! What did we do about it?
We turned to our Fearless Leader, George W. Bush. He came up with such wonderful ideas, such as 9/11, Hurricane Katrina, and the Iraq War to send these dirty animals to their graves, leaving our nation pure, just as God wanted it.
How else America ROCKS[edit | edit source]
- We're BIG -- No, I didn't say 'bigoted.' (I don't even know what 'bigoted' means.) I said BIG. We have a lot of land, we have a lot of people, and we have a lot of stuff. Still think America is just a bunch of egotistical, ignorant racists? Then checkit the fact that...
- We have WEAPONS. -- That's right, we have the technology to make South Korea an island if we want to.
- We have STUFF -- iPods, Corvettes, fancy phones, and little dogs whose parents were a long haired chiuaua and a diamond. We got that bling goin' on, and we're proud of our indulgent economy that has a few wealthy individuals living off the semen of the majority of the population that gets sodomized at the gas pump every day. You live in America, bitch.
- We have the GREATEST LANGUAGE EVER -- That's right, English is the only language in the world that is bullshit-free. And don't say that other countries speak it too, cause we're the only country that speaks it good...er, right. All your other languages, like Spanish, French, and those African clicky noises, can't be unserstood at all. They're nonsense. Gibberish. Verbal diarrhea. We're awesome.
See? America is the best! And EVERYONE thinks so. Cause we're the best!