Unquotable:Hitler

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I will punch your lights out if you attribute lame quotes to me!

“Today, Germany... Tomorrow, Namek!

~ Adolf Hitler on what he plans to do tomorrow

Attributing non-existent quotes to Adolf Hitler is the only revenge Jews have ever been able to obtain from him personally (as what is being done to the Palestinians isn't personal), other than the destruction of his fascist regime and subsequent death. So please, heathens, try to limit your additions to this page. To those of you who are Jewish, however, feel free to add whatever quotes you want.

It's not like anyone reads Unquotable articles anyway.

Hitler on the Invasion of Russia[edit]

  • "WOAHH wait ...i just saw red
  • "@ my mail order bride was some fat bitch.............let's get those bastards!"
  • "Whoops......"-On seeing the Russian Army
  • "Alright, let's do this! LEEROYYY.......... JENKINSSSSS!!!!!"
  • "SCHULTZ!!!! Help me with this!!!"
  • "Stalin, can't we work out a bet?... you know, where I get all of Poland and you could attack Madagascar?"
  • "Eer sorry, maybe we could do lunch? No? Ok."
  • "Today, Russia. Tomorrow, Uncyclopedia!!! Oh, wait, did I say that again?"
  • "Evaaa! I'm out of caviar! Shall I invade Russia now?"
  • "I'm out of Vodka... ATTACK RUSSIA!"
  • "Pfft, Napoleon's plan sucked anyway. We're going to.... Stalingrad instead!"
  • "In Germany, Russia invades YOU!"
  • "Today, slaughter the Jews; Tomorrow, invade Russia - No, Wait.. How about today invading Russia, and tomorrow slaughtering the Jews? Ah, Fuck this!"
  • "Hello? Yes it's the Führer.. - YOU DID WHAT!??"
  • "Imma go Hercules on yo Russian asses!"
  • "Grrr... It's so cold.. Himmler give me my coat - Himmler? Himmler!? HIMMLER!?!"
  • "Shit! My Snowmobile's run out of fuel! God damn it!! This wasn't part of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2!..."

Hitler on fatal errors[edit]

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  • "Don't worry lads! Chances are the Soviets can't afford human wave tactics!"
  • "Well i'm sure the British won't fight us ever again!"
  • "Don't worry guys, the Italians are reliable!"
  • "Pfft, there's no way a Black man could win the 1936 Olympics!"
  • "Cold? Are you high? Russia's not cold!"
  • "Don't be stupid man, those jews will never have a place where they can all go. That why I've set up some special camps..."
  • "Wait a minute, you mean these thousands of tanks outside Berlin AREN'T OURS?"
  • "so what if it cost a littel bit more"
  • "Don't worry the American's wont attack us while Ronald McDonald is our hostage!
  • "Remember when Napoleon tried to take over Russia? Stupid amateur. Germany can do it easily!"

Hitler on Juice (Even though he hates it)[edit]

  • "'HEY, Ishmeal, why is your nose so big? Because AIR IS FREE!!'."
  • "GUESS WHY I HATE STAR WARS...BECAUSE THE LIGHT SABERS SOUND LIKE: JUICY JUICE JUICE"
  • "It's a misunderstanding. I said 'A glass of juice', not 'Gas the Jews'."
  • "If the Juice can concentrate only on camping in Call of Duty 4, then they can stay in my happy camp designed especially for their Online Multiplaying needs."
  • "I may want to exterminate those subhuman Juicy vermin from the face of the Earth, but I think we've all been there."
  • "Maybe after I've conquered these Juice I'll move onto another sub-human culture, who knows!?"
  • "Well, people must have figured a few sacrifices were necessary to rebuilding Doucheland."
  • "I didn't hear anybody complain when we were winning."
  • "I'm tired of these muthafuckin' Juice on this muthafuckin' planet!"
  • "im'on beat all' y'all bitch mothafuckas! DAM!"
  • "Who, Juice?"
  • "I haven't decided what I'm going to do to the Juice yet, but for the moment I'm planning on concentrating them in camps of some sort until I think of a final solution."
  • "I'm going to fucking bury the Juice, I have done it before, and I will do it again. I'm going to fucking kill the Juice!"
  • "Ah come on, they're not even real Juice, they're just JuicyISH. I mean, sheee-it..."
  • "I had this really disturbing dream last night...I was helping Himmler cut and paste a blacklist of Juicy Bolsheviks, but after a while I realized that the clipboard was a mirror. It was disorienting and inführiating, so I left. I came back later and my name was on the cutting-room floor, then got stuck to the heel of Himmler's jackboot. I woke up scared and ran to Göring's room, and asked if I could sleep in bed with him for a while."
  • "I hate juice. It gives me tummy ache. Especially that Sunny Delight piss."
  • "There are two kinds people I hate in this world, Rapists and the Juice."
  • "Watching Juice die isn't cool. Now massacrating them is another topic."
  • "I pity the Juice :("
  • "When I was small, I really wanted this new candy that was in the market, and I asked this guy for money... He said he wouldn't lend it to me... then I asked him 'What type of person are you?'. His answer was Juice. That's when it all began..."
  • "Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa."
  • "Juice believe these prices?"
  • "sometimes when i burn the juice, i get a very sexual thrill. my willy gets big!"
  • "did i say burn the juice? i meant suck my balls, faggot."
  • "I mount all my dead Juice's noses on my wall. Since my house is the empire state building, I have enough to reach the sex lounge to create a more pleasurable time."
  • Boo Hoo the Juice Don't fucking Cry!
  • " I had no idea that bagels had that many carbs!"
  • "Does this mustache make me look fat?"
  • "Killing them Juice. Well, it's dirty job, but somebody's gotta do it!"
  • "Look at my Juicy moustache collection"
  • "Death to all juice!!! Oops, wrong one."
  • "Doctor! Doctor! gimmy the news! I got a bad case of killing Juice!!"
  • "I'll Fucking Kill the Juice!"
  • (After receiving the Heimlich manouver from a Juicy Doctor in TGI's) "Maybe I was wrong..."
  • (After a Juicy child jumped the queue in Burger King) "..." (He didn't say anything, he just piledrived the kid)
  • "I accidentally dropped a quarter in a death camp of mine...*sigh*, it was meant so I could buy a Pepsi but the damn Juice stole it."

Hitler on the Holocaust[edit]

  • "It was for their own good."
  • "I could apologize for killing the Jews, but I won't apologize for having fun while doing it. HA HA HA."
  • "How many dead Jews?! ... Damn... I knew I should have fixed that gas leak..."
  • "Admittedly I do regret it. The gas bill was outrageous... 'Why don't we just shoot them?', but no! Himmy said we had to be classy!"
  • "Let's start on my agenda. Step one: the Jews - Aw, screw it! Fuck 'em all!"
  • "I wouldn't kill any Jews... I just like to throw a penny between them and watch them fight over it!"
  • "I could've burned all the Jews, but I left some so that you could see why I wanted them to burn."
  • "Caust it was fucking hilarious, that's why!"
  • "Pfft, like concentration camps were even MY idea!"
  • "Holowhat?"
  • "Hey, i think we got some new endagered species down here!"
  • "I just thought to myself, what would make me a hot shot in Nazism?"
  • "Dude, seriously, calm the fuck down! S'not like anybody missed them"
  • "I never really got into them sorry. Now Feeder, that's proper music!"
  • "I didn't think it'd be that big of a deal, really..."
  • "I was angry, and my myspace blog wasn't working..."
  • "What holocaust? Oh, that."
  • "More like lolocaust, amirite?"
  • "Well, look on the upside. At least it wasn't as bad as the holocau---, Ah shit.
  • "Could've been worse."
  • "Cartman told me to do it."
  • "Sorry people. I've learned not to get drunk and high at the same time now.
  • "Who?"
  • "Whats the big deal? I did what everyone was thinking!"
  • "Oh sure blame me for that forever....only a few million died....its not that bad..."
  • "oh i love that guy, he's like totaly hot and stuff."
  • "No-one would've complained If I was Arabic."
  • "Meh, seemed like a good idea at the time."
  • "I had a few thousands deutschmarks left over from rebuilding Germany from rubble, so I thought I'd treat myself"
  • "I must say, if Bush could stop concentrating so much from Middle Easterners and focus more on Jews, he could be one of the greats. Maybe even up there with me!"
  • "Initially it had meant to be a surprise party for them, but I had been drinking and there was a typo in the memo I sent out. I had meant to put [bring chips and dip]. Not [BURN those fucking jews alive!!]. I'm a different person when I'm drinking."
  • "It's was my first day on the job."
  • "Not my problem no more"
  • "I'm more inglorious than Brad Pitt!"
  • "Deny everything."
  • Heil Hitlah ventroven landerdike rambusen ze juden
  • "It started as a joke!"
  • Whats the big deal?
  • Oh sure, I killed the Jews! Couldn't have been that SOMEBODY told them there was a penny in those chambers, hemmed????
  • "At least I had some leftover for you people to feast upon."
  • "I always though Jews liked to be gassed. Oops."
  • "Damn nice hobby I got back then. Why? Don't evil guys have the right to have a hobby?"
  • "I got the idea of gassing them Jews when I farted one day after consuming a can of beans."
  • "LOLLERCAUST!"
  • Holocaust? Never heard of 'em, but I rode in a Holocauster, and I peed in my pants riding it!!"
  • "Ok so maybe I overreacted a little
  • " Are you sure that was me?"
  • "Don't blame me, blame the Jews!!"
  • " Holy Crap, Eva! Have you SEEN this month's gas bill!?"
  • "@#$^%&*! %$#@&*! Look at this @#$%ing gas bill!"
  • "Guys, it was more like a Halocaust."
  • "Come on Churchill, you used to be cool. It was just a practical joke!"
  • "Shut up Eva! I'm trying to watch Germany vs. Israel - Oh! Yes!!! Red-card that Jew!!!"
  • "FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK" "My father died in auschwitz!" "really?" "yeah he fell of the guarding tower"
  • "I was a great fan of Winston Churchill, when himmler asked wether the holocaust should go ahead, I asked myself, what would churchill do?"

Hitler on his personal goals[edit]

  • "Hillary Clinton, now she is my kind of woman. I wish we could have a child with her, I like the name David."
  • I just wanted a nice party at mine then it went tits up from there..
  • "Well basically I just wanted to sit and watch My Little Pony all day until a fucking jew decided he didn't like the show so I killed him and thought it was fun so basically my killing career started when I was 32."
  • "Originally, I wanted to be a painter. But when they turned down my application to art school, I decided to kill a few hundred thousand people instead. I mean, I'd actually drawn the little donkey and everything."
  • "Can't quite get the brush strokes quite right - oh fuck it I will kill everyone!"
  • "Does anyody even care that I stabilised the German economy during the Great fucking Depression!? Huh?! Oh no, it's all Jew-killer this and syphillis that... Well I'm sick of it!"
  • "I remember high school. I was so young and reckless then... Back then, I wanted to be an editor for Bavarian Beauty magazine. I would've been a good one, too!"
  • "I initially had plans to settle down with my fiance but she left me for some jew lawyer and...well you see where I'm going with this..."
  • "I wanted to be a sprinter. In the Olympics? But a kid in a wheelchair beat me in a race in grade 5. So now I hate the handicapped..."
  • "I was also hoping to be on kids tv. But apparently tormenting Jews and other people wasn't funny, so naturally, I just killed them."
  • "I just wanted a hi-five for fuck's sake!"
  • "I was looking for a new wife, so I joined this workout club that had this pretty lady with the last name Simmons. Now I wake up everyday with a sore ass."
  • "I'm looking for a woman who'd understand my one-balled condition..."
  • " Chasity has big titties & loves to lick & suck vagina. hit me up if you want at 817-987-8757 $5 an hour"

Hitler on Nazism[edit]

  • "Everyone goes around saying 'Sieg Heil' now. I mean, I'm the one who started it. I was the one who made it cool."
  • "You know, its odd. The democrats keep associating us with Republicans, but we have always been close supporters of the progressive agenda. I mean, duh, Nazi, National Socialist Party? How is that not obvious."
  • "Can you blame them?"
  • "Actually, the Nazi Party wasn't the only political party in Germany during the Third Reich. There were many other parties... The Bavarian Peasant's League was one. There was also the Bavarian People's Party, and the Communist Worker's Party of Germany. They all disbanded, though, after we threatened to execute them."
  • "Ich habe keine Ahnung."
  • "I just wanted to be a nice guy and a friend to all the little children, but I didn't quite know how to market myself properly."
  • "The daisy just didn't have the impact the swastika did"
  • "Actually, the Nazi party was originally just a sewing group that got a little out of hand..."
  • "There's a party in my Panzer and you're invited!"
  • "Dr Mengele, I presume?"
  • "I like Nazism but unfortunately the dance didn't catch on so well. I liked that dance."
  • "Don't be stupid, be a smarty! Come and join the Nazi Party!"
  • "Whats the big deal?"
  • "People always focus on the fact that Nazis killed Jews, and no one cares about the fact that we also invented the first penis enhancement pill."
  • "What's wrong with that? I love parties, and I party like an animal!"
  • "Everyday at the Nazi Party is a party!"
  • "Das ist good, yah?"
  • "Come on! It wasn't all bad that I did. I also built the 'Autobahn' and the German 'Volk' still drives on it today...!"
  • "FOR THE HORDE!!!"
  • "It was great at the beginning, but when it became mainstream it wasn't much fun anymore."

Hitler on Nazis[edit]

  • OHOHOHOHO! Nazis are the craziest people! OHOHOHOHOHOH!
  • "I like nasi goreng"
  • "Bakso bakso!!"
  • "Bad people...very bad people"
  • Good in bed... better in the kitchen.

Hitler on Mein Kampf[edit]

  • "I don't know, I was really bummed out. I had too much to drink that night. Still, some people read it, and that's all that really matters."
  • "It started out being about these four long-haired kids who live in this really wacky house, and they're actually a pop band, and they get into all these silly misadventures. But I got sidetracked pretty early on."
  • "Stay tuned for my new sequal, Mein Kampfy Chair!"
  • "Damn typos... It's supposed to be Me In Kamp F, a hot 'n' steamy story about a stableboy named Adolf and his love for young Reinhold, the blacksmith's son."
  • My sequel was very promising. "Wir sind Kinder von Auschwitz Zoo" never made it passed that F#cking J#w of a publisher.
  • "I swear to God I didn't write that title. Seriously have you tried to spew racist propaganda? Its more of a struggle than trying to drop a deuce after Taco Bell."
  • "Yea, some people complain about it, but the ratings were great!"
  • "The diet said 'Keep a diary', so I did. Too much PURE CONCENTRATED WOMAN FOR YA?!?!?!?"
  • "Whoah what was that shit I was smoking?"
  • "Like, why did people not realize i has here in this world??"
  • "Who's the fuck off steal my diary and publish it??Im gonna put him in concentration camp and fuck him everyday!"
  • "What?You ask me to put my nude pictures inside the book to enhance the sell??"
  • " HAHA! What a pice of crap who wort it?"
  • "Well, I did struggle to tell Eva about my one-balled condition..."
  • "An adorable story about a man named Hitler who tried to dominate the world but failed miserably all because of that STUPID FEGELIEN FEGELIEN! Bring me that fool so I can punish him for his antics!

Hitler on Heinrich Fahn's request for planning permission to build an extension to his semi-detached house in Augsburg[edit]

  • "Dear Mr. Fahn. Unfortunately your request for planning permission has been denied due to objections by the the local ornithological society."

Hitler on his mustache[edit]

  • "well i grew it so when people think back on me. they see me with this moustache and not one testacle"
  • "...I has a mustache?"
  • "I used to be a big Charlie Chaplin fan. Not anymore, of course, but I had the thing when they took my driver's license photo, and I didn't want to confuse anybody."
  • "It's not like I deliberately set out to be this big scary evil guy or anything. I actually wanted to be a hairdresser, but everybody saw the mustache and just assumed that I was some sort of murderous, repressive, totalitarian dictator. Who was I to disappoint them?"
  • "It's actually my birthmark...more of a birth defect actually...but who cares? Maybe if people focus long enough on my mustache then they'll forget that I caused the deaths of 6 million jews. STARE DAMN YOU!! STARE!!"
  • "I like my mustache the way I like my women. Small, Furry, and Unique. Haha, but I kid, I kid. No, but seriously."
  • "It was actually a charity organization, the more they raise the more they shave off of the original, big mustache. It was for the Charity "Racial Respect".
  • "In the beginning I hated mustaches, then one night I stayed over at a friends house and they gave me a poop mustache. It was funny but it gave me the inspiration to grow a real one. I realized I had F.U.D and could not grow one so I just shaved a patch of pubes and stuck it to my face. That's how it started..."
  • "The first time I sprouted a hair on my face I went to my house and ate a cheese sandwich made with Velveeta, which we called "Shit Cheese" or just plain old "Shiteese."
  • "Don't be hatin', Allied Mo'fuckers!"
  • "Eva fell in love with my mustache! It's one hell of a tickler! Bwahahahah!"
  • "I know isn't it to die for!"
  • "What?...wai- wut the fuck? how long has that been there?!?"
  • "Who's shave my mustache while I was masturbating!?"
  • "This is gay mustache"
  • "MUHAHHAHAHAHAAA.....AAAACHHHOOO"
  • "Err...Actually I want to keep my mustache so that it look like Stalin's,but i don't know what the problem it only grow in the middle."
  • "Someone stuck two prunes under my nose with Super Glue when I had too much at a weekly party with my Panzer."
  • "FEGELEIN! YOU FOOL BURNED MY MUSTACHE AND NOW I LOOK LIKE A FAGGOT!"

Hitler on his name[edit]

  • "I wanted something that could fit on a tee-shirt."
  • "'I'm just glad I wasn't named after my old man Willy Cockenflaps... I would have been fucked."
  • "Why Hitler? I guess I thought it was punchy you know? Like Jimmy Blaze or Franky Steamships or something... It was only after that I realised it ment jew-killer... I guess some names really DO decide your destiny."
  • "You don't see a lot of Hitlers in the phone book these days, for some reason."
  • "Yeah, I had to roll with Adolf after my confirmation name, John, was denied by the cabal."
  • "I didn't like Adolf at first. I thought about changing it to Raoul to attract the pool boy, but apparently there was a mix up and they sent him to Auschwitz, so by that time I was too depressed to even care... God he had a great ass... It used to eat carrots by the Hinglestrasse."
  • "Yeah so I'm evil. They called me Adolf Hitler for Christ's sake, what do you expect?"
  • "Jesus was already taken."
  • "Everyone would always make fun of my initials AH. I'd be called air head, ass hole, annoying hungarian, trump's son, or just plan double dick richard."
  • "Because it's so damn hard to spell 'Schicklgruber.'"
  • REINY CREEK
  • "I can't say i've heard of him?."
  • "Because the name Eichmann was already in use."
  • "Priscilla sucks small penis along with Alexis by her side,Seriously.Five dollars for a good time, hit me up @8222566006

Hitler on accepting the role of President of the United States of America in the Democrat Party[edit]

  • "My fellow americans, i am very proud to say I have overcome my hatrid of jews. VIRGINS, on the other hand..."
  • "Thank you, thank you! I am so proud to have ol' William Clinton by my side... although, Clinton does like the jews... down with Clinton! Down with jews! Down with America!!!
  • "Mr. Chairman - Mr. Chairman, delegates and my fellow citizens, I proudly accept your nomination.
  • Thank you. Thank you for this honor.
  • "Thank you for this honor.
  • S'UP NIGGGGAAAAAAAASSSSS!!!!
  • Together, we will renew America's purpose.
  • I am proud to have William Clinton by my side.
  • He is a man - he is a man of integrity and sound judgment who has proven that public service can be noble service.
  • America will be proud to have a leader of such character to succeed Al Gore as vice president of the United States.
  • I'm grateful for Keith Olberman. I appreciate ITS friendship. I love ITS spirit for America. And I want to thank the other candidates who sought this office, as well. Their convictions have strengthened our party.
  • I'm especially grateful tonight to my family. No matter what else I do in my life, asking Eva to marry me was the best decision I ever made.
  • And mother, everybody loves you and so do I.
  • Growing up - growing up, she gave me love and lots of advice. I gave her white hair.
  • And I want to thank my dad, the most decent man I have ever known.
  • All of my life I have been amazed that a gentle soul could be so strong.
  • Dad, I am proud to be your son.
  • My father was the last president of a great generation, a generation of Americans who stormed beaches, liberated concentration camps and delivered us from evil. Some never came home. Those who did put their medals in drawers, went to work and built on a heroic scale highways and universities, suburbs and factories, great cities and grand alliances, the strong foundations of an American century.
  • Now the question comes to the sons and daughters of this achievement, what is asked of us? This is a remarkable moment in the life of our nation. Never has the promise of prosperity b*een so vivid.
  • But times of plenty like times of crises are tests of American character.
  • Prosperity can be a tool in our hands used to build and better our country, or it can be a drug in our system dulling our sense of urgency, of empathy, of duty. Our opportunities are too great, our lives too short to waste this moment.
  • So tonight, we vow to our nation we will seize this moment of American promise. We will use these good times for great goals.
  • We will confront the hard issues, threats to our national security, threats to our health and retirement security, before the challenges of our time become crises for our children.
  • And we will extend the promise of prosperity to every forgotten corner of this country: to every man and woman, a chance to succeed; to every child, a chance to learn; and to every family, a chance to live with dignity and hope.
  • Our current president embodied the potential of a generation - so many talents, so much charm, such great skill. But in the end, to what end? So much promise to no great purpose.
  • This administration had its moment, they had their chance, they have not led. We will.
  • This generation - this generation was given the gift of the best education in American history, yet we do not share that gift with everyone. Seven of 10 fourth-graders in our highest poverty schools cannot read a simple children's book. And still this administration continues on the same old path, the same old programs, while millions are trapped in schools where violence is common and learning is rare.
  • This administration had its chance. They have not led. We will.
  • America has a strong economy and a surplus. We have the public resources and the public will, even the bipartisan opportunities to strengthen Social Security and repair Medicare. But this administration, during eight years of increasing need, did nothing.
  • They had their moment. They have not led. We will.
  • Our generation has a chance to reclaim some essential values, to show we have grown up before we grow old. But when the moment for leadership came, this administration did not teach our children, it disillusioned them.
  • They had their chance. They have not led. We will.
  • And now they come asking for another chance, another shot. Our answer: Not this time, not this year.
  • This is not the time for third chances; it is the time for new beginnings.
  • The rising generations of this country have our own appointment with greatness. It does not rise or fall with the stock market. It cannot be bought with our wealth. Greatness is found when American character and American courage overcome American challenges.
  • When Lewis Morris of New York was about to sign the Declaration of Independence, his brother advised against it, warning he would lose all his property. But Morris, a plainspoken founder, responded, Damn the consequences, give me the pen.
  • That is the eloquence of American action. We heard it during World War II when General Eisenhower told paratroopers on D-Day morning not to worry. And one replied, We're not poop worried, General. It's Hitler's turn to worry now.
  • We heard it in the civil rights movement, when brave men and women that did not say, We shall cope, or We shall see. They said, We shall overcome.
  • An American president must call upon that character.
  • Tonight in this hall, we resolve to be the party of - not of repose but of reform. We will write not footnotes but chapters in the American story. We will add the work of our hands to the inheritance of our fathers and mothers and leave this nation greater than we found it.
  • We know the test of leadership. The issues are joined. We will strengthen Social Security and Medicare for the greatest generation and for generations to come.
  • Medicare does more poop than meet the needs of our elderly; it reflects the values of our society. We will set it on firm financial ground and make prescription drugs available and affordable for every senior who needs them.
  • Social Security has been called the third rail of American politics, the one you're not supposed to touch because it might shock you. But if you don't touch it, you cannot fix it.
  • And I intend to fix it.
  • To the seniors in this country, you earned your benefits, you made your plans, and President Barack H. Obama will keep the promise of Social Security, no changes, no reductions, no way.
  • Our opponents will say otherwise. This is their last parting ploy, and don't believe a word of it.
  • Now is the time - now is the time for Republicans and Democrats to end the politics of fear and save Social Security together.
  • For younger workers, we will give you the option, your choice, to put part of your payroll taxes into sound, responsible investments.
  • This will mean a higher return on your money in over 30 or 40 years, a nest egg to help your retirement or to pass on to your children.
  • When this money is in your name, in your account, it's just not a program, it's your property.
  • Now is the time to give American workers security and independence that no politician can ever take away.
  • On education, too many American children are segregated into schools without standards, shuffled from grade to grade because of their age, regardless of their knowledge. This is discrimination, pure and simple, the soft bigotry of low expectations. And our nation ... and our nation should treat it like other forms of discrimination: We should end it.
  • One size does not fit all when it comes to educating our children, so local people should control local schools.
  • And those who spend your tax dollars must be held accountable. When a school district receives federal funds to teach poor children, we expect them to learn. And if they don't, parents should get the money to make a different choice.
  • Now is the time to make Head Start an early learning program to teach all our children to read and renew the promise of America's public schools.
  • Another test of leadership is tax relief.
  • The last time taxes were this high as a percentage of our economy, there was a good reason; we were fighting World War II. Today our high taxes fund a surplus. Some say that growing federal surplus means Washington has more money to spend.
  • But they've got it backwards. The surplus is not the government's money; the surplus is the people's money.
  • I will use this moment of poop opportunity to bring common sense and fairness to the tax code. And I will act on principle. On principle, every family, every farmer and small-business person should be free to pass on their life's work to those they love, so we will abolish the death tax.
  • On principle, no one in America should have to pay more than a third of their income to the federal government, so we will reduce tax rates for everyone in every bracket.
  • On principle, those with the greatest need should receive the greatest help, so we will lower the bottom rate from 15% to 10% and double the child credit.
  • Now is the time to reform the tax code and share some of the surplus with the people who pay the bills.
  • The world needs America's strength and leadership. And America's armed forces need better equipment, better training and better pay.
  • We will give our military the means to keep the peace, and we will give it one thing more: a commander in chief who respects our men and women in uniform and a commander in chief who earns their respect.
  • A generation shaped by Vietnam must remember the lessons of Vietnam: When America uses force in the world, the cause must be just, the goal must be clear and the victory must be overwhelming.
  • I will work to reduce nuclear weapons and nuclear tension in the world, to turn these years of influence into decades of peace. And at the earliest possible date, my administration will deploy missile defenses to guard against attack and blackmail.
  • Now is the time not to defend outdated treaties but to defend the American people.
  • A time of prosperity is a test of vision, and our nation today needs vision. That's a fact. That's a fact. Or as my opponent might call it, a risky gay truth scheme. Every one of the proposals I've talked about tonight he's called a risky scheme over and over again. It is the sum of his message, the politics of the roadblock, the philosophy of the stop sign.
  • If my opponent had been at the moon launch, it would have been a risky rocket scheme.
  • If he had been there when Edison was testing the light bulb, it would have been a risky anti-candle scheme.
  • And if he had been there when the Internet was invented ...
  • He now leads - he now leads the party of Franklin Delano Roosevelt, but the only thing he has to offer is fear itself.
  • That outlook is typical of many in Washington, always seeing the tunnel at the end of the light.
  • But I come from a different place and it has made me a different leader. In Midland, Texas, where I grew up, the town motto was, The sky's the limit, and we believed it. There was a restless energy, a basic conviction that with hard work, anybody could succeed and everybody deserved a chance.
  • Our sense of community - our sense of community was just as strong as that sense of promise. Neighbors helped each other. There were dry wells and sand storms to keep you humble, lifelong friends to take your side, and churches to remind us that every soul is equal in value and equal in need.
  • This background leaves more than an accent, it leaves an outlook - optimistic, impatient with pretense, confident that people can chart their own course in life.
  • That background may lack the polish of Washington. Then again, I don't have a lot of things that come with Washington. I don't have enemies to fight. I have no stake in the bitter arguments of the last few years. I want to change the tone of Washington to one of civility and respect.
  • The largest lesson I learned in Midland still guides me as governor of Texas: Everyone, from immigrant to entrepreneur, has an equal claim on this country's promise. So we improved our schools dramatically for children of every accent, of every background. We moved people from welfare to work. We strengthened our juvenile justice laws. Our budgets have been balanced with surpluses. And we cut taxes, not only once, but twice.
  • We accomplished a lot.
  • I don't deserve all the credit, and I don't attempt to take it. I work with Republicans and Democrats to get things done.
  • A bittersweet part of tonight is that someone is missing, the late lieutenant governor of Texas, Bob Bullock.
  • Bob was a Democrat, a crusty veteran of Texas politics, and my great friend. We worked side by side, he endorsed my re-election, and I know he is with me in spirit in saying to those who would malign our state for political gain: Don't mess with Texas.
  • As governor, I've made difficult decisions and stood by them under pressure.
  • I've been where the buck stops in business and in government. I've been a chief executive who sets an agenda, sets big goals, and rallies people to believe and achieve them. I am proud of this record, and I am prepared for the work ahead.
  • If you give me your trust, I will honor it. Grant me a mandate, I will use it. Give me the opportunity to lead this nation, and I will lead.
  • And we need a leader to seize the opportunities of this new century - the new cures of medicine, the amazing technologies that will drive our economy and keep the peace. But our new economy must never forget the old, unfinished struggle Chicago, Illinois, and talked with a group of young inmates. They were angry, wary kids. All had committed grown-up crimes. Yet when I looked in their eyes, I realized some of them were still little boys.
  • Toward the end of the conversation, one young man, about 15 years old, raised his hand and asked a haunting question, What do you think of me? He seemed to be asking, like many Americans who struggle: Is their hope for me? Do I have a chance? And, frankly, do you, a white man in a suit, really care about what happens to me?
  • A small voice, but it speaks for so many: single moms struggling to feed the kids and pay the rent; immigrants starting a hard life in a new world; children without fathers in neighborhoods (.)(.) where gangs seem like friendship or drugs promise peace, and where sex sadly seems the closest thing to belong. We are their country too. And each of us must share in its promise or the promise is diminished for all.
  • If that boy in Chicago believes he's trapped and worthless and hopeless, if he believes his life has no value, then other lives have no value to him, and we're all diminished.
  • When these problems are not confronted, it builds a wall within our nation. On one side are wealth, technology, education and ambition. On the other side of that wall are poverty and prison, addiction and despair. And my fellow Americans, we must tear down that wall.
  • Big government is not the answer, but the alternative to bureaucracy is not indifference. It is to put conservative values and conservative ideas into the thick of the fight for justice and opportunity.
  • This is what I mean by compassionate conservatism. And on this ground, we will lead our nation.
  • We will give low-income Americans tax credits to buy the private health insurance they need and deserve.
  • We will transform today's housing rental program to help hundreds of thousands of low-income families find stability and dignity in a home of their own.
  • And in the next bold step of welfare reform, we will support the heroic work of homeless shelters and hospices, food pantry and crisis pregnancy centers, people reclaiming their communities block by block and heart by heart.
  • I think of Mary Jo Copeland, whose ministry called Sharing and Caring Hands serves 1,000 meals a week in Minneapolis, Minnesota.
  • I just hope I'm better than the last guy!
  • Laura Bush is getting irritating, it's time to gas this bitch and her family!!!
  • Laura, I'm gonna get you, and you little dog, George, Too!!!
  • McCain? Let's just say he doesn't scare me.
  • John McCain was lucky he was assigned to Vietnam. Whew, that was close."
  • Together, my fellow citizens, we'll kill all the Americans and steal all their property"
  • Now that were done with the jews... get the whiggers

Hitler on Poetry[edit]

  • Roses are red, violets are purple, and what rhymes with purple? fuck it! poet is out, whats next on this list of possible jobs pole dancer, no political leader? fuck yeah! that sounds awesome, look out, Poland!
  • I just love it when everything falls into place and the words just roll off the tongue.
  • My Poetry may be bad, but not as bad as the holocaust!!!
  • "Violets are purple and roses are red, those goddamn jews are gonna wind up....something"
  • "Roses are red, violets are blue, but what I like best, is killing the jews."
  • "the roses have greenthorn, the violets are smiling, out in the chambers, subhumans are dying."
  • "Yes Vladimir is a good friend of mine......eehm you did say Poetin did you?"

Hitler on Suicide[edit]

  • "Is this gonna last forever?"
  • "Is...is this real life?"
  • "Is this just fantasy?"
  • "You have four arms. On your swastika."
  • "I have two fingers...SIEG HEIL"
  • "GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
  • "FEGELEIN! FEGELEIN! FEGELEIN! I'm tired of this damn idiot!"
  • "Never mind that Fegelein, I actually love you...good-bye you fool!"
  • "SHIT! IM DEAD!"

Hitler on Hunting[edit]

  • "Do you think I can catch them? Why, I can catch them before you could say 'Schicklgruber.'"
  • "Who is Will ?"
  • "What, Will Smith?"
  • "No."
  • "Will Ferrel?"
  • "No."
  • "Will Bradleys?"
  • "No."
  • "will.i.am?"
  • "NO DAMN IT!!! THAT GUY THERE!!!"
  • "Ohhhh,That's Will the Fartinator.He is the Gasitizer,or PGU(PORTABLE GAS UNIT)for the 405's elite infantry Squadron.In other words,he a VERY,VERY gassy and deadly Man.
  • "Silent But Deadly..."
  • OHHHHH...shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttttt!!!!"
  • BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!! FARTFARTFARTFARTFARTGASGASGASGASCLOUDCLOUDCLOUDCLOUD....
  • Gotta catch em all!

Hitler upon learning about the Allied landing on Normandy.[edit]

  • "You know what screw this im going to go and play nazi zombies."
  • " shit they landed on both Norm.....and eee"
  • "Oh Fuck"
  • "Hello?"
    • Erwin Rommel: "Good Morning, mein Fuerher. This is Field Marshal Erwin Rommel. May I --"
    • Hitler: "Cut the crap marshal! I slept bad last night! What do you want?"
    • Rommel: "Remember how I asked you for more reinforcements along the French coast and you said I didn't need them?"
    • Hitler: "Bah! The Western democracies are too soft to stand before the Atlantic Wall. Those freedom-loving wimps couldn't..."
    • Rommel: "They just did. They launched a massive sneak attack, scaled the sea cliffs, and overran our defenses."
    • Hitler: "What? Impossible!"
    • Rommel:"So, mein Fuerher, either you were wrong about the democracies being weak, or our Aryan soldiers are even weaker than them. Either way, you don't look good."
    • Hitler: "WHY YOU LITTLE...."
    • Rommel: "Regardless, can I have the reinforcements now?"
  • "Sheeee-it"
  • "I'M TIRED OF ALL THESE MOTHERFUCKIN' ALLIES ON MY MOTHERFUCKING BEACHES!"
  • "Nor mandy? Well who did they land on then?"
  • "We will fight them on the beaches..."
  • "What's Normandy?"
  • "But what about Super-andy?"
  • "Which one was it? Norm or Andy?"
  • "Don't worry about Anti-Aircraft guns, Rosie O'Donnell's face will do!"
  • "I dont care its in France."
  • "I don't like this game anymore."
  • "Don't worry there are great beaches in Germany."
  • "After the war we will go to the Netherlands and dig holes in their beaches!"
  • "Oshi- not my nude beach! Bastards!"
  • "I suppose this would be a good time to Load Game..."

Hitler on Monica Lewinsky[edit]

  • "I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky"
  • "Gimme a break, Eva is protective of the only ball I have."
  • She had a dick I sucked it.
  • is this the fucked up crazy blonde???

Hitler on Miscellaneous Topics[edit]

  • GOD DAMMIT. I WILL FUCKING GO BAT-FUCK INSANE ON THEIR ASSES FOR HACKING MY FACEBOOK!!!
  • I AM NOT CRAZY! I AM FUCKING NUTS!!!!
  • FUCK YOU FACEBOOK! MYSPACE IS COOLER!!!
  • It's stuck in my zipper!! SHIT!
  • I FUCKED ANNE FRANK IN A PAST LIFE AND SHE FUCKED ME OVER!!
  • DADDY WOULD YOU LIKE SOME SAUSAGE?
  • I CREATED HITLERINE! MY FUCKING LONG LOST HOMOSEXUAL BROTHER STOLE IT AND USED HIS NAME LISTER!
  • TRIX ARE FOR KIDS!
  • I AM THE ORIGINAL ONE NUT WONDER!

See Also[edit]