Unquotable:Nostradamus

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to: navigation, search

“I should've seen that coming.”

~ Nostradamus on his death

“I should've seen that coming.”

~ Nostradamus on his life

“These are great”

~ Nostradamus on camouflage trousers

Quqlogo.png
M A I N   P A G E
Search
People

Oscar WildeWinston Churchill
AnonymousAlbert Einstein
Christopher WalkenSun-Tzu
Benjamin FranklinMark Twain
Thomas JeffersonNoel Coward
Arthur C. ClarkeWilliam Shatner
Bill GatesYodaAristotle
Charles DarwinSwedish Chef
VoltaireJohn F. Kennedy
Adolf HitlerKeanu Reeves
George Washington
Dan Quayle
Captain ObliviousNostradamus

Deities

GodJesus ChristCthulhuSatan

See Also

Welcome, n00bz!Tackiness Manual
Quoting PolicyQuotable People
Deep ThoughtsEpitaphs
MnemonicsHamletHELP !


Nostradamus was an important member of "Westside" and helped them obtain over $4bn in gambling money.


Michel de Nostredame, Nostradamus (14 December or 21 December 1503 – 2 July 1566), was a seer and the author of a famous prophetic book that predicted, with stunning accuracy that, at this very hour, you would read this. And this. And also this. He was perhaps the best thing to come out of France, maybe joint first with the Nazi's which he predicted would happen.

He was brilliant. In 1867, three years before it happened, for example, Nostradamus did so to anticipate either the triumph or the defeat of Napoleon III in a war that, in the event, begged to be identified as the Franco-Prussian war, while admitting that he could not specify either which or when.

In his writings he foretold such future events as the rise and fall of Great Britain, the death of Joy Behar, the death of Dale Earnhardt, every death of Kenny, the Crimean War, the invention of Boggle, and the Milli Vanilli lip-synching scandal. All of these predictions eventually found their way into his memoirs, published by Random House in 1554.

Nostradamus on Life [1][edit]

  • "Been there, done that."
  • "You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough." [2]
  • "Everything you can imagine is real." [3]
  • "I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be." [4]
  • "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." [5]
  • "Death ends a life, not a relationship." [6]
  • "It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not." [7]
  • "Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving." [8]

Nostradamus on France[edit]

  • "Well, their a bit shit."
  • "I hate France. It's like the whole country's French."
  • "Military? What Military?"

Nostradamus on Seeing[edit]

Nostradamus on Prophet[edit]

  • "Profit is making something out of nothing, and selling it."
  • "Profit is sweet, even if it comes from mudering countless lives." [9]
  • "If my books don't show a profit, someones messed up the drawing."
  • "Optician's now choose profit over vision."

Nostradamus on Invisibility[edit]

  • .
  • .
  • .
  • .
  • .
  • .
  • .
  • .
  • .
  • .
  • .
  • .

Nostradamus on Horoscopes[edit]

  • "Not very scary."
  • "Let's read my horoscope:You will visit Windy Point, a cliff overlook on Mt Lemmon. Because so many tourists flock to the site, a steel safety fence had been installed to prevent hapless folk from slipping off the cliff. The weather will be terrible, and nobody will be there except the you. Believing yourself to be alone, you decided to urinate through the bars of the fence over the cliff face below. As you urinate, lightning from a powerful desert thunderstorm will strike the fence, which will make a perfect lightning rod due to its size and location. The charge will travel through the fence to the ground, but also up your urine stream causing your penis to explode...

Notes[edit]

  1. These aren't actually his quotes, but he predicted them and then said them.
  2. Of course, as Nostradamus was a Buddist, he didn't believe this, he was just trying to sound smart.
  3. Nostradamus probably should've stopped thinking about killing six million Jews then.
  4. Refering to the graveyard there.
  5. Nostradamus never made plans, has he had no friends.
  6. Nostradamus never had much of a life as he was never in a relationship
  7. Try telling that to women with Breast implants
  8. Unfortuantly for Nostradamus, bicycles hadn't been invented yet, so everyone thought he was a bit mad.
  9. Spoken like a true capitalist.

See Also[edit]