UnNews:Saturn's weather puts Earth's meteorological conditions to shame
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
29 March 2007
SATURN, NOT URANUS - The planet Saturn, miffed, astronomers believe, at having been named for the ancient Greek god of the underworld, has begun creating fantastic geometric weather patterns that put the meteorological conditions of Earth to shame.
The hexagon, shown here, thought to be a storm, was photographed circling the planet’s north pole, and it’s nothing new: “Voyager 1 and 2 both filmed the honeycomb structure as they flashed past the distant planet more than 40 years ago on their way to going boldly where no man has gone before,” NASA spokesperson Lisa Nowak, speaking in the Space Agency’s traditionally sexist language, told Unnews’ reporter, Lotta Lies. Most recently, the strange phenomenon became the star of a major motion picture filmed by the Cassini spacecraft.
Astronomers and astronauts--even cosmonauts--are equally amazed and delighted by the odd astronomical feature. Stephen Knight, of the Astrological Stargazers’ Society (ASS) questioned God’s knowledge of physics, saying, “Saturn’s thick atmosphere, where circular waves and convective cells dominate, is the last place we’d want to encounter a six-sided figure--yet, against all probability, there she blows!”
“It’s a big bastard, too,” Nowak declared, “about 15,000 miles across, which makes it slightly larger than the diamond that Britney Spears bought herself when she married What’s-His-Name, her ex, and about a tenth smaller than Rosie O'Donnell's mouth.”
“Saturn’s running rings around the Earth,” Knight said. “The best we can do is resemble a big blue marble, and, even then, next to Saturn, we’re not really all that big.”
Not to be outdone, the planet’s south pole freaked scientists out by creating a human eye that resembled a hurricane of sorts. “The planet’s letting us know it’s checking us out,” Nowak contended. “We’d expect such behavior from Uranus, but who’d have thought that Saturn could be so rude?”
Radio commentator Michael Savage said, “We need to sprinkle Saturn’s atmosphere with Ritalin before the bastard moons us, creating an anus out of its clouds.”
“That’s not a bad idea, actually,” Nowak said. “If I’d been on Ritalin when I traveled cross country to kidnap and kill my romantic rival, who, as it turns out, apparently wasn’t my romantic rival, I wouldn’t be such an asshole today.”
Other scientists claim to have seen several other odd features in Saturn’s atmosphere, including an image of Pac-Man, the Beatles, the Virgin Mary, and a Tootsie Roll Pop. Earth, they contend, is hopelessly outclassed by its giant neighbor. “For the first time, I’m beginning to understand the lyrics of that old Dean Martini love song, ‘When the moon hits your eye/ Like a big pizza pie. . . .” Knight said.
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- Lotta Lies "Planetary rivalry" Instant News, 23 seconds ago, and counting