UnNews:S.C.R.O.T.U.M. reveals itself to the public
Sunday, March 19, 2017
WASHINGTON DC -- Two months ago a dangerous sex offender seized for himself enough power to bring the world crumbling to its knees. But this isn't about Donald Trump, despite being an article on the Internet. No, this is about another sociopath. The notorious testicle molester, known simply as "the testicle molester", was once a run-of-the-mill serial rapist, but not even the "serial" aspect of that identity went unmolested once he acquired a means to time travel. He's not only a potential threat to literally everyone who ever lived or ever will live, but to the very fabric of reality itself. As a wise man once said, this is a big fucking deal.
Unfortunately, the world leaders are ignoring this dire issue, brushing it off as a hoax or a crackpot fantasy. Yet all hope is not lost. A league of brilliant minds have joined forces to catch the testicle molester and bring him to justice: The Scientific Committee to Restore Our Timeline from Universal Molestation, or S.C.R.O.T.U.M.
The founder and head of S.C.R.O.T.U.M. is criminal psychologist and former detective Don Cojones. Cojones has spent the past several years of his career closely studying the mind of the testicle molester, believing that he knows the testicle molester better than the testicle molester knows himself. Cojones claims that even with anarchic time travel, the testicle molester's actions follow such exact and easily deducible patterns that he can still accurately predict his next moves. All that's missing is a concrete outline of what the testicle molester has done so far.
Enter the time travel division, lead by Dr. Zullianne Orxonox, 32nd century professor of history and anthropology. Given that the testicle molester escaped using one of her own student's chronowatches, Dr. Orxonox says the guilt of empowering him has bestowed upon her the responsibility to use her knowledge to capture the sicko as he fondles his way through history. Consequently, she's taken a sabbatical from teaching. She hasn't informed the university of the testicle molester incident out of fear that it will ruin her career. Instead, she told them that she's writing a book on the "Pre-Collapse Era", whatever that means.
Assisting Dr. Orxonox is world renowned scientist Dr. Eminent, despite the fact that his puny 21st century brain makes him little more than her quantum mechanical cobbler elf. Together they're reverse engineering a time machine that will lock onto the testicle molester's chronowatch. The plan is to pin point the exact moment in time that corresponds with the testicle molester's last stop within his own personal timeline. Not his most recent, mind you, since "most recent" has no meaning when dealing with a rogue time traveler. No, literally his last stop, being either the moment of his death or his arrest. Assuming he'll be arrested, his last stop will display on the computer screen as the moment they arrested him, given them the cue to go arrest him, causing the arrest itself to happen and alert itself to happen. It's being called the Trap of Fate. Dr. Orxonox insists that it's not technically a trap, it's just complicated sounding.
Whether he's foolish enough to fall for any so-called trap is anyone's guest. When he originally grabbed the chronowatch, it's presumed that he knew nothing about time travel and was just winging it, punching in coordinates at random. Depending on how long he's been time traveling, he could feasibly be an expert. The most impressive thing he's done for which we have evidence is the leaked footage of him violating the Langoliers, which, if authentic, proves that he's somehow transcended linear time travel. It's hypothesized that one can only reach the realm of the Langoliers through a vaginal rip in spacetime. However, these rips are so rare to locate and so short lived that the testicle molester must have spent years, possibly even centuries, of his own life trying to find one. If this is the case, he clearly traveled to the distant future and took advantage of medical science to extend his own life. He may even be functionally immortal, making it all the more necessarily the catch the sick sum'bitch.
Beyond the Langolier incident, we know very little about the testicle molester's journey through time. Thorough investigation into documents, diary entries and artifacts suggests that he has at least taken a handful of historical figures by the handful, all of whom shall remain nameless for the sake of their dignity and reverence. (Except for Hitler. He's an asshole.) Oddly enough, the identity of the testicle molester himself has yet to be uncovered. Perhaps he's not even of our time...or our world? Maybe he wasn't so ignorant of time travel after all.
We at UnNews will continue to follow and admire the progress of the geniuses working tirelessly to capture this monster and reinstate order in the universe. With a prayer in our heart, a hand shielding our crotch and the other hand at our forehead, we salute you, S.C.R.O.T.U.M.