UnNews:Langoliers victims of testicle molester

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Toomeysday, February 29, 2017

Coercive nut noodling...in 11D!

NETHERSPACE -- The whereabouts of the notorious testicle molester have been fuzzier than ever following his disappearence to the wrinkles of time. However, new found footage reveals one of his major stops that might give us a clue to his temporal journey. Nobody thought it was possible, but someone has successfully molested the Langoliers.

For the general public not knowledgable about higher dimensional ecosystems, the Langoliers are a legenday species in many religious cosmologies that are essentially time's giant tumors with teeth. Whenever the timeline becomes too corrupted, messy, tangled, or just full of too many floating clocks, that's when you get Langoliers. If not benign, they'll eat away at time like a cancer. It goes without saying that they also look like big honkin' testicles.

The evidence we have of the testicle molester molesting the Langoliers comes from eight minutes of raw footage leaked on an anonymous YouTube channel, apparently taken from a GoPro camera attached to his head. From his point of view, all we can see is a timeless abyss, as if standing on an ocean of grey Jell-O. In the distance, we can see three testicle beasts eating the Jell-O and leaving nothing but blackness. One is much larger than the other two, possibly the mother. Watching this family eat away at time gives one a surprising feeling of calm and serenity. Unfortunately, this scene is cut woefully short, as we soon hear the testicle molester tease the Langoliers. Having grabbed and fondled their attention, the mother flies towards him, hungry for the taste of human meat. Unfortunately, she's not the only one craving meat.

The testicle molester quickly jumps on the metaphorical Jell-O, which is apparently as bouncy as actual Jell-O. He leaps several yards in the air, timing it to land on top of Mama Langolier. From there all we can see is the lumpy surface of Mama Langolier's back, but it's clear from the movement and the grunts that the testicle molester is humping her like a dog. The rapid, wobbly movement of the camera also tells us that Mama Langolier is making all kinds of maneuvers and spins to shake him off, turning this into an epic bollock riding contest. The fact that the testicle molester never falls off is a testament to his perserverance in seeing a rape through. For several minutes all we hear are the aggressive groans of the testicles molester and the ungodly screeches from Mama Langolier. Truly sounds mortals were never intended to hear.

It was like a bad drug experience.

Immediately following orgasm, the testicle molester looks behind him and sees the baby Langoliers flying over in defense of their mother. He leaps off her back, jumps on one of the babies and gives it a sloppy seconds hump. Unfortunately, the video cuts off at this point, leaving the eventual fate of the testicle molester unknown. Presumably he survived, given that we have the footage. The question of how he escaped, much less how he got there in the first place, remains a mystery. He clearly let us see everything he wanted us to see.

It's been described as one the most surreal things ever recorded. Within an hour of being uploaded, YouTube took it down on grounds of graphic sexual content. Fortunately, it survives elsewhere on the web, particularly porn sites. The classification of porn, shock porn or bestiality porn is subjective to the individual's tastes, though at least the Internet is having fun toying around with a new, hip fetish. Testicle rape is the new tentacle rape.

The question of the video's authenticity is also up for debate. Many argue that it's a hoax, given that the Langoliers look like some piss-poor CGI rendition that would flunk any aspiring animator out of film school. However, the official investigation into the whereabouts of the testicle molester is taking it very serious. Criminal psychologist Don Cojones told the press, "Oh, there's no doubt in my mind that this is the real deal. If you're a serial testicle molester who has time-travel abilities, would you not go straight for the Gonads? The testicle molester is a hunter and the Langoliers were his prize bollocks. Typically, there's an ulterior motive here as well. It's very possible, nay, probable, he's the one molesting the timeline and creating the Langoliers. In that sense, he's the true Mama Langolier."

Fascinatingly enough, it should be pointed out that the realm of the Langoliers is usually cut off from the access of time travelers. The only way to get to their realm is passing through time rift in the sky shaped like a vagina, referred to by astrophysicists as a 'skygina'. Skyginas are very rare, but not impossible to reach. They usually pop up within the dimension of g-space known as the G-Spot. The testicle molester must have spent centuries of his own personal time trying to locate the G-Spot. Perhaps his recent branching out into pussy grabbing was his way of becoming more familiar with vaginas. For only pussies hold the keys to molesting the greatest testicles in all of time.


  • Keegan-Michael Key, Jordan Peele "Einstein's Ass Beating" RickAndMortyRunningAroundAHundredTimesRickAndMorty.com, February 29, 2017