UnNews:Women's March protesters victims of pussy grabber
Saturday, January 21, 2017
WASHINGTON D.C. -- The Women's March on Washington is underway, a day-long march in the nation's capitol and around the world to protest against the inauguration of *deep breath followed by a long sigh* President Donald Trump. So far, a chorus of hundreds of thousands of women have made their voices heard, making it a rousing success. However, there has been one minor, let's say, snag.
Dozens of women attending the D.C. protest reported having their vaginas violated by an anonymous pussy grabber. Victims all claim that a man wearing a cheap suit and rubber Donald Trump mask would slip into the crowds nonchalantly and grab 'em by the pussy. He'd give it a good grip, stare at them silently for a few seconds with those cold, dead Trump eyes, then leave as swiftly as he arrived. His grip was so precise and overpowering that his victims could do nothing but stand there, almost hypnotized in shock. At least a few women were able to break the spell and pepper spray his eyeholes, but it never seemed to faze him. It's as if the rush he received from dominance vetoed his own pain.
"I always did like the Phantom of the Opera," said one Joy Dennam in tears, "but sexual exploitation by mysterious masked stranger wasn't as romantic as I had always imagined."
As police reports poured in about a serial pussy grabber, Washington security went on a look-out all day for a suspicious creep wearing a Donald Trump mask. Several protesters were apprehended and brought in for questioning, but none of them were the pussy grabber. At one point, the actual President was going out for donuts, only to be cuffed by his own Secret Service due to his face being rubbery, discolored and fake-looking enough to be mistaken for a Halloween mask.
It wasn't until around two that one brave woman, Maude Bearthur, had the willpower and courage to pull off the pussy grabber's mask. In a horrid twist, the description she gave of the pervert's face exactly matches that of the infamous testicle molester.
"I can't comprehend why he did it," says Washington criminal psychologist Don Cojones, who has spent years probing the mind of the testicle molester. "The testicle molester doesn't do these things just for the fun of it. He usually has a motive behind his molestations, a point he's trying to convey. Why would he target Women's Marchers? Was he doing his own unique protest? Was he attempting to make Trump's repulsiveness a reality? It doesn't make any sense. Nothing makes sense anymore. We live in such a topsy-turvy world that the testicle molester is now molesting pussies. This is Trump's America, folks."
"It's not even funny," noted sexual assault humorist and critic Nicholas Beard. "I mean, c'mon, guys getting their balls fondled by another guy - that's hilarious. This? No, this is nothing less than rape. We can't allow this monster to roam the streets."
Fortunately, yet unfortunately, he might no longer be roaming the streets. As soon as the testicle molester was unmasked, he made a run for it. Security was immediately alerted to capture the man, but before they could catch up and douse him with enough pepper spray to season Woodstock, he tackled one of the time-traveling student protesters. He swiped the chronowatch from their wrist and seemingly punched in some coordinates until a glowing electronic orb appeared out of thin air. The testicle molester then made his grand escape through the orb and into the nebulous realm of time.
Well, this should be interesting...
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Laura Smith-Spark "Women's March on Washington: protesters rally worldwide" CNN, January 21, 2017
- Donald Trump, Billy Bush "Grab 'em by the pussy" Access Hollywood, September 2005