UnNews:Pope 'too old to attract altar boys'

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11 February 2013

The Pope in 2012 performing his traditional mime of grabbing a boy's arse.

VATICAN CITY, Rome -- Pope Benedict XVI is to resign from the papacy at the end of the month, after admitting he is "too old to interest the altar boys these days."

"I don't want to be like Johnson [John Paul II]" he told a shocked press conference. "He was all juddery and shaky for the last 10 years. It was embarrassing watching him trying to chat up the hot choir singers."

Resigning from the papacy is not unprecedented, contrary to what one might imagine. In 975 Pope Pious VI sold the papacy to his uncle in exchange for a lemon farm, and Pope John XV gave up the seat in 1956 to concentrate on playing football for AC Milan. Nonetheless, the current Pope's resignation has created a stir, as it is based on his concept of the church's image.

"The Catholic Church is synonymous with paedophilia," he said. "Lazy comedy writers around the world use it as their first resort when making any reference to us. I can't be the head and the face of this religion if people can't imagine that I have in it me to molest a school boy."

The Pope said he was stepping down without regrets. "I've had a great run, going from pervy parish priest, right up through the ranks to the top. I'll never forget that first taste of power, the influence of hierarchies, it's incredible. I started off like some clumsy rapist, sneaking up behind them, hand over the mouth, warning them not to tell their parents and what not. By the time I made bishop, they were queuing up to get sprinkled with the ol' baptismal rod. It's just in the last few years, the age gap has got too big, and it's been a bit of a stretch for the younger ones to get into it. They'd still bend over backwards so I could come unto them, but to be honest, their lack of enthusiasm was transmitted to me, and I found it harder and harder to raise my spirits."

"Our Lord Jesus said 'tis better to give than to receive, and I think when you have had enough of giving, you should get going."