UnNews:IPad to replace missal at Mass

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20 June 2010

The creepy dude presiding over 21st century high-tech popery.

ROME -- An Italian priest has found a way for an iPad to replace the Roman missal at Mass.

The Rev. Paolo Padrini's new application will put an iPad on the altar. The tiny device will contain everything that is said and sung during the liturgical year. It will have translations in Latin, which is what God speaks, and in English, French, Spanish, and Italian, which is what people speak.

The innovative use of technology will solve the recurring problem of prayers gone unanswered because some old priest got a word or two wrong.

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Parishioners may also start bringing their own iPads to Mass, just to check up on the old guy (the priest, not God) and see if he's missing so many verses that it's time to start a committee to put him out to pasture. Unfortunately, the iPad's notorious inability to multi-task means that the flock cannot also get in a game of Minesweeper or review the current controversy swirling around Miley Cyrus.

Isolated Muslims, and those living in caves, already use the iPad. A specialized application tells them whether it is likely that a cleric somewhere has seen the crescent moon, an act that would start the holy month of Rub-a-dub.