UnNews:Disney merges Star Wars and Christmas

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Saturday, December 19, 2015

Christ is no longer your Lord.

Hot off the massive success of Star Wars: The Force Awakens, the most popular and critically acclaimed Disney movie since Frozen, the Walt Disney Company has announced that over the next week they will gradually merge Star Wars with Christmas. We don't mean that metaphorically, as if they're simply doing a holiday promotion or shilling Christmas-themed merchandise. No, Disney is literally fusing the beloved space opera franchise with the ancient, globally celebrated holiday.

"It's a little known but fairly obvious secret that we own Christmas," says Bob Iger, CEO of Walt Disney during press time. "Star Wars and Christmas are the two greatest cultural achievements of Western civilization. They were inevitably going to join forces at some point. It only makes sense. *mumble* Dollars and cents."

Iger explained that the drive to fuse a cash cow franchise with an overcommercialized holiday wasn't merely to maximize profits, though that was a fringe perk, but that Disney's intentions are completely altruistic and pure.

Cquote1.svg Most people feel like the Christmas of yesteryear is long gone. It's become devalued and ruined by mass consumerism. The heart is all gone. That's why we're pushing for even more commercialism to save it. It's like when they genetically modify a virus so that it'll rebuild cell tissue. Christmas has become a disease and we're reversing it! Fusing Christmas with Star Wars will completely rejuvinate the celebration! What excites more passion, more religious devotion than Star Wars?

On the flipside, if Star Wars wasn't already going to last forever, fusing it with an ancient religion's sacred holiday will surely keep it around for at least a few centuries, two millennium tops. Don't you want your distant descendants to experience the same joy and magic of your childhood? Of course you do. That's our plan. And combining two good things always brings out the best in both. It's a match made in Cloud City.

Cquote2.svg

The name of this new Star Wars/Christmas hybrid has been left ambiguous for the time being. They were kicking around the obvious and renaming Christmas "Life Day", but they felt it diminished the integrity of the Star Wars Holiday Special. Instead, both Star Wars and Christmas can be referred to by their proper names or each other's name. As in "Rockin' around the Star Wars tree" or "I'm about to play Christmas: The Force Unleashed". Both are technically correct.

Disney has assured humanity that the changes to Star Wars and Christmas are very minimal. From henceforth, all Star Wars media will consist of the following:

It doesn't have to be Carrie Fisher, but someone has to sing.
  • Lots of snow. Every story that takes place in the franchise will be required to have at least one snowy setting. The canonical explanation is that the galaxy has undergone a Galactic Ice Age from widespread star decay, causing every civilized planet to experience permanent, yet substainable winter.
  • Every movie will have a sickeningly sentimental message at the end about togetherness and family. Also, somebody has to sing.
  • Ewoks galore, for the children. The universal winter has made the furry little bastards horny, causing them to breed faster that the tribbles on Star Trek. They now dominate the galaxy and everyone's cool with it.
  • Jesus is now a major character in the Star Wars universe. He's a 2,000 year-old Jedi master who spits wisdom like Yoda, and though he never picks up a lightsaber, he does kick ass when righteousness calls for it.
  • Every Christmas movie ever made is now retroactively a Star Wars movie, and thus canon to the Star Wars universe.
Princess Leia will also be officially inducted in the Disney Princess lineup, take that Mulan.

The alterations to Christmas will be even more minimal:

Ho ho fuck it.
  • Traditional carols have been bought out of the public domain and replaced with Disney copyrighted rewrites. If it were good enough for the Christmas in the Stars album, it's good enough for door-to-door carolers.
  • Christian churches of the world are required by international law to hand over Christmas Day services to the Church of Jediism so that they may preach sermons about the power of the Force. Conveniently, Jesus' virgin conception is now explained with midi-chlorians.
  • All Christmas lights will be powered solely by the Force. Want your house to shine? Want 'em to blink? Maybe change colors? Can't even get them to come on? That's why you should go to church more often, heathen.
  • The quintessential holiday treat will be neither chestnuts, candy canes or gingerbread, but Wookiee-ookiees.
  • The ghosts in Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol are now Force ghosts. And vice-versa, the ghosts of Obi-wan, Yoda and Anakin in the original trilogy have been digitally edited to wear iron chains, wreaths on their heads, and carrying candles to look Dickens-esque.
  • The jolly spirit of Christmas known as Santa Claus has been retired, and will be replaced with Kevin Smith. You can't get more minimal than Kevin Smith.
  • All your presents will still be made by child slaves, but the child slaves will be really good at podracing.

Other than these very minor alterations, no one will notice any difference. We asked the former owners of their respective babies how they felt about the fusion. "Yeah, sure, whatever. I really don't really give a damn anymore," responded George Lucas. "Same. I don't have a single damnation to give over this," responded God. That settles it. May you all have a happy and wonderful holiday season/movie going experience, and may your pockets overflow with a bounty of cash cash CA$H!


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