UnNews:CNN becomes first TV network to broadcast in low definition

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Saturday, February 13, 2016

CNN Newsroom becomes the first television program to be broadcast in brand new, state-of-the-art low definiton!

Atlanta, Georgia - The CNN cable television news network is changing the way in which viewers watch television. First came the debut of poor audio sync, introduced during its simulcast of the PBS Democratic Debate Thursday night. This innovation was inspired by bad dubs of Japanese kung fu and Godzilla movies.

This afternoon, CNN debuted their most state-of-the-art innovation yet -- low definition. While high definition and 4K are all the rage these days, and Quentin Tarantino released his latest film The Hateful Eight in the Ultra Panavision 70mm film format, CNN's Anderson Cooper says the obsession with crystal clear images is just a phase that will soon pass.

"Nobody gives a shit about quality," he says. "Hence MP3s, Spotify, iTunes, and watching movies on your phone. HD is just a niche market. DVD still outsells Blu-ray nine times out of ten."

Sony is teaming up with leading networks to broadcast in this extraordinary format that makes everybody look like 8-bit Mario. Other networks will include AMC, Fox, Fox News, Nickelodeon, Cartoon Network/Adult Swim, and TBS. On the latter network, low definition will replace the once-popular Stretch-O-Vision format.

"We're also hoping to get Turner Classic Movies on board," says a Sony spokesperson. "Cinephiles are gonna love that."

In addition to poor audio sync and low definition, plans are underway to ditch stereo sound in favor of mono.

"Halloween sounds great in mono. Jaws sounds great in mono. Friday the 13th sounds great in mono. Psycho sounds great in mono. The Beatles' albums were originally in mono. Why not? Most people have terrible speakers anyway, the Bose crap, or they just use their atrocious TV speakers.

Sound quality matters not, no matter what Neil Young says. Despite the fact that we at Sony released a high-resolution Walkman that nobody can afford. We make AV receivers for home theaters and audiophiles. We do all this fancy shit to make audio sound better and better, and it's all for naught. Nobody gives a shit. So we decided, let's give them the worst quality in human history. Not the audiophiles, videophiles, or cinephiles, but the average Joe who can't tell the difference, or can't afford to tell the difference."

Sony hopes that every channel broadcasts in low definition, poor audio sync, and mono by the end of 2016.

"This is the future. Quality is overrated. The people want utter crap. Just look who's running for President as a Republican."