UnBooks:The Secret Origins of Cream; Supergroup
You've heard their names, whispered softly in the taverns and back alleys of the world. For years, women have scared their young children into going to sleep early without dinner by merely mentioning their name. Their ring leader, Eric Clapton, has several cults worldwide that worship him as a god. You think you've heard about Cream; Supergroup, but what do you really know?
In this, the very first book ever written about the group, you will be introduced to a cast of colourful characters, and probably a few characters of colour, and you will finally hear the whole story of Cream; Supergroup, right up to before Eric Clapton was born.
The Early Days; The Birth of a Legend
The year is 1966. England, and, in fact, most of the civilized western world, is in chaos, due to pentup-pre-summer-or-love-emotions. They have had heroes. They have had martyrs. They need a group. A supergroup. A Cream; Supergroup. Eric Clapton could see this, because, due to a freak accident, he had developed X-ray vision. And a god-given ass, but he later gave that away. Thinking quickly, Eric Clapton was born. That was 1945, but due to having constructed a prenatal X-ray enhanced plan, young Eric set out with one goal set firmly in his mind. And that plan was, of course, the formation of Cream; Supergroup.
At a very young age Eric Clapton realized that he would probably need to disguise himself, and the other members of Cream; Supergroup, to avoid suspicion as to their actions as the world's most elite supergroup. To this end, Eric Clapton invented the guitar, and learned to play it with his mind. This served two purposes. First, the guitar made one hell of a weapon. Secondly, his talents with the guitar allowed him to hypnotically control mass amounts of criminals. Eric Clapton's musical efforts took him right up to the year 1965, and are all easily glossed over with one simple sentence, other then a few small events that will be touched on using the past tense elsewhere in this book. But enough of that, time marches on.
Time Marches On; Many Meetings
It has been said that time stops for no man. Anybody who tells you that is a liar, and you should probably punch them in the face. There are two men that time stops for, Ernest Hemingway and Jack Bruce. Time stopped for Ernest Hemingway only once, on July 2nd 1961, while he was drinking his morning coffee. Later that day, Ernest died.
Jack Bruce, on the other-hand, can, for reasons unexplained, stop time at will, allowing him to perform several amazing feats of amazingness. One such amazing feat of amazingness was attempting to steal Eric Clapton's brain, but Clapton woke up (thanks to his X-ray vision) and caught Jack in the act. So astounded was Clapton by Jack Bruce's rugged good looks and debonair charm, that he instantly drafted Bruce into Cream; Supergroup.
Already Cream; Supergroup was a force to be reckoned with. They only lacked one thing, and without the thing that I am vaguely referring to at the moment, they could not truly be the heroic supergroup that is now a legend. And that thing? Lasers. As everybody knows, villains hate lasers, especially when those lasers are ripping their bodies to shreds. Thus, it was rather fortunate that Ginger Baker, wearing fancy anti-laser glasses, walked into Eric Clapton's mobile command center on March 15, 1966. And so, the members of Cream; Supergroup came together, and the legendary supergroup was born.
A Supergroup In Action; The Actions Of A Supergroup
It was the best of times, it was the best of times. No, don't worry, I'm not about to spend this entire chapter repeating myself, I was merely doing something that the literature society calls "writing", but with a bit of extra pizazz.
But, that has nothing to do with Cream; Supergroup, so enough of that. Basically, when I started off this chapter, I was referring to how wonderful the beginning of Cream; Supergroup's career was. They frolicked in the fields, they used the power of music to hypnotize criminals, and they did some recreational drugs. All in all, it was the best of times, it was the best of times. Really, it was so wonderful, there is no real point in describing most of it. The boys were having so much fun, but, as everybody who read the table of contents knows, the next chapter is the last, and so, the goods times did not last.
The End Of Days; The Death Of A Legend
Okay, show of hands, who's ever had an X-Ray? Well, for all of you who just raised your hand while reading this, probably to the shock and dismay of your loved-ones, you probably had some kinds of lead-skirt, probably covering your baby-making organs. But, why?
Well, X-Rays are harmful to people who aren't covered in lead. Sadly, Eric Clapton didn't know that. Therefore, as Cream; Supergroup fought crime, they were also being fought by the invisible force of Eric Clapton's X-Ray vision. Sadly, due to the extreme amount of secrecy employed by Cream; Supergroup, nobody knew that they were dying. In fact, they had been dead for three years before their skeletons were found, floating in Clapton's mobile command center in the middle of the Dead Sea. Currently, we can only assume that Cream; Supergroup is fighting crime in the afterlife.
|Featured Article (read another featured article)|
This article has been featured on the front page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.