Medicine

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Uncyclopedia contains articles on many medical topics, all of which are completely guaranteed to be accurate. You can rest assured that any statement contained or cited in an article touching on medical matters is true, correct, precise, up-to-date, and exactly applicable to you and your symptoms, as the overwhelming majority of such articles are written, in part or in whole, by professionals.

The adults keep them to themselves because they taste so great!

“If I put the book on top of the computer, on top of the fish tank I can reach the medicine ”
~ Little Timmy on trying to get high

Medicine is used to treat individuals who suffer from whatever ailments it's possible to convince them they have. Physically medicines are brightly colored, have the features of appealing sweets, and are usually kept under the careful watchful eye of the elderly and small children.

Medicine[edit | edit source]

Medicines are often large and have basic numbers painted on the coating so they are easy to see. Some medicines are taken orally, but on occasion require inhalation through oral cavities, and inserting by means of other bodily crevices. Most medicines come complete with stickers or amusing wrap, usually for the psychological healing they provide to your inner child.

The elderly keep them wrapped in towels!

Medicinal practices have existed since it was possible to sell people things but are often a resort when extensive electroshock therapy fails. People who utilize medicine, or can deliver excellent speeches and tenderize fabulous beef, are called doctors. Doctors are either pawns of the dark side, or light side of the force, depending on their tutelage, and often become evil, requiring a Mad Doctrine. However many who specialize in medication can become a pharmacist which is essential for ensuring that everyone stays addicted to whatever they may be taking.

Untreated Illnesses[edit | edit source]

If your doctor looks at you like this, it's not good.

Many famous people have actually discovered medicines which really are effective in treating sick people, however some cannot be treated by medicine in its current state. A short list includes:

Modern Liberalism
Death
The expanding "Saw" franchise
Genital Warts and other genital defects
Zombies
Chicken Pox
They hide them in the towels!!

Cure/Diagnosis[edit | edit source]

Headache- Head amputation- No head, no headache, problem solved.
Finger itch - finger amputation - No finger, no itch, problem solved.
Cold- See headache.

Profession in Medicine[edit | edit source]

Ummmm...?

Individuals seeking a profession in medicine are first cleansed by holy water and large Lufa sponges, and then deposited in a germ-free environment. If they pass the brutal hazing process they become a Doctor. A Doctor is a result of many years parental and/or espousal abuse, overturned picnic baskets, several strange fetishes, and lack of a soul. Doctors are often found near open pools of water, in which they lay their eggs.

’Check the towels!!!‘

Users Of Medication[edit | edit source]

Medications (multiple or varying Medicines) have been used to help a great many people, like Norma Jean, Daryl Strawberry, The entire band “Nickleback”, people named “Cotton”, astronauts (like Tom Hanks), Jeff Goldblum, Dirty Harry, Cleanly Harry, Hazelnut fever suffers (such as Billy Joel…and only Billy Joel), Kermit The Frog (and his agronomist sex partners), Jack NelSON, Johnny The Lump, Harvey Hemorrhoid, John Knoxville, Gregory Nelson, The second hooded figure in the feature film “Army Of Darkness”, Ben Stine, Groggle, Multi-million dollar rap artist Cringe, and Matt Sharp.