Absinthe
“Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.”
Absinthe is a green liquid that is a commonly used to circumvent most methods of birth control. It is also known to act as a truth serum and to occasionally interfere with the Space Time Continuum. It is outlawed in several countries because frequent use may result in, quote, "acting like an idiot". Absinthe is also the fuel of choice for top fuel dragsters, space rockets, Formula 1 cars, most Land Speed Record machines and Moses.
Distillation[edit | edit source]
Absinthe is distilled from bits of wood, worms, green crayons, plutonium, and 11 secret herbs and spices according to a secret lesbian recipe. One of thes secret 'herbs and spices' is believed to be green kryptonite as the consumption of absinthe by kryptonians causes them to wear their underpants on the outside, become attracted to large phallic objects such as aeroplanes and supertankers, often rescuing them without warning and taking them back to their Fortress of "Solitude", and then having no recollection of the past 14 hours or why they have large quantities crude oil and aviation fuel lodged in their spandex.
Using Absinthe[edit | edit source]
Absinthe has been used in Bohemian rituals for centuries to convince others that they are more hedonistic and Bohemian than anyone else. It is considered passé, and positively dangerous, to simply pour absinthe directly from the bottle into a glass. In order to experience the full effects it is recommended that absinthe is poured through a sugar cube before consumption. Ideally this sugar cube should be 15 inches across. Burnt toast, an old sock, or any Edwardian writer (such as Lord Byron or Oscar Wilde) can be substituted for the sugar cube.
Used correctly absinthe should only cause drunkenness, debauchery, mild memory loss, and a slight rash around the genital and anal regions.
WARNING:Under no circumstances should absinthe be exposed to naked flames, as the resulting explosion is unlikely to cause superpowers.
Side Effects[edit | edit source]
Absinthe is a hallucinogenic alcohol. It is made from various different acids and some of which are used for torture in North Korea. An astonishing array of side effects have been attributed to the consumption of absinthe, most of which are true, but you'll never remember them. Most commonly the absinthe causes fantasies about Green Fairies, passing out, and forgetting about having sex with your sister's goat. Poetry, sodomy, and incest.Big shirts with frilly collars are also common side effects of absinthe, especially when you've been drinking with Lord Byron and Percy Bysshe Shelley.
Over-use of Absinthe can also result in you getting bad AIDS. In the face.
Other Absinthe Facts[edit | edit source]
- Absinthe was created by Ewan McGregor and his bohemian mates.
- Laboratory tests in 1832 showed that Absinthe can cause vanity in mice.
- Muad'Dib reported to be able to control a herd of sandworms with just one glass of Absinthe.
- The folks at Wikipedia have an article on Absinthe which includes a list of types of Absinthe, the effects of drinking Absinthe and what organizations exist to help you rehabilitate after.
- Absinthe makes you absenthe minded.
- Absinthe is primarily consumed by vampires and old ladies with a death wish.
- Absinthe does not look green to people who are colorblind. In the dark it also does not look green but will still feel wet.
- Usually an absinthe drinker is who you least suspect it to be. Which means it's more likely to be some innocent girl who wears glasses, has a blushing ruddy face, smiles all the time, wears a dress, and in every fucking way looks so Amish that you'd be stunned she drinks anything, let alone absinthe than that metalhead biker dude.