HowTo:Run away from home
Did your mom threaten to send you to military school if you don't get better than a B average in school? She did?! And I'll bet she scared you so bad that you dropped your Pokémon cards all over the floor. Really?! All right, that's it. There's only one solution. She'll be sorry she ever abused you like this. It's time to run away from home.
Step 1: Writing a goodbye note
Relax! We're not talking about a suicide note or anything. These are just temporary arrangements, until you find a job with your uncle in a candy shop. For this you will need a pencil or pen, preferably pink or lime green, and some paper. Letterhead works well, but construction paper will do. Spend some time itemising the points, and don't spare the hyperbole.
- Start off with a salutation, so the reader knows who's talking. It could be any of your 3 brothers or sisters for all they know.
- Speaking of brothers and sisters, remember to include all the emotional injuries they caused you since they were born.
- You want to write a succinct (brief) litany of recent events and how they hurt your feelings. This should be a summary of your diary over the past month or two. This should induce a sense of deep guilt in all your family, and possibly everyone who ever met you.
- Close with a dramatically depressing image of your future life. Mentioning fishing trawlers and prostitution works wonders.
- And don't forget to tell loved ones that they'll be sorry!
Step 2: Provisions
OK, now you're going to need some supplies. Remember: it's over 10 blocks to your friend's house, and you'll only be able to stay there for a few hours before your family comes looking for you. You're going to have to live like an adult, in the wilderness, fending off grizzly bears at every turn, just like on TV. You'll need:
- A box of cereal, for sustenance.
- $10 from your allowance. This should get you through the first two years of expenses.
- A bottle of soda pop.
- A bag of chips or pretzels.
- A "My First Aid Kit" with at least 2 Bugs Bunny band-aids.
- A cell phone. (if you want to get tracked down) (not good)
- A light jacket. It can hit 20 below in winter.
- Your inhaler.
- Your blankie.
Best time to run away is in 4:00 in the morning.
Step 3: Making your escape
At long last, it's time to rid yourself of that liquor bottle and squalor-filled dump your parents rented from a car salesman. Select a time of day when no one will miss you. At night when your parents are sleeping and at 4:00 when your mom drives your brothers to hockey practice or even when everyone hates you and don't want to talk to you, all are good choices. Put on your trainers because they don't make a noise, open the door, and step outside, and you're well on your way.
Put out of your mind the fact that you'll never see your parents again. You'll be all alone, the times you shared only a wretched memory. There'll be no one to love you or take care of you, no more Christmases or birthday parties. These are the thoughts that could undermine your mission.
And, if you can take something very valuable to any of your parents/siblings with you, then they'll know that you really hate them! Bonus points if you break it (even more if you return, tell them that you took and broke it, and survive the eternal grief that they give you - although it would be a logical fallacy, because of your main goal of running away)!
During this period you will miss home more than ever. It is important to maintain your morale. The first minutes of your adventure are critical.
- 1-9 seconds: As you leave try to dramaticly look at the inside of your house, just cause you think it would look good in a movie.
- 10-120 seconds: Run as fast as you can. Get as far away from home as possible, to reduce the temptation to go back. Most importantly, get a grip.
- 2-180 minutes: Fear of the real world is what will nab you now. Walk to a place you know well and enjoy visiting (eg. the mall, beach, gym). It may help to pretend you are with someone else to reduce the strain. Make believe that you're still a happy family having a nice outing together even when you know on the inside you arent.
Step 4: Staying away from home
Many children get away but don't keep away. If you've gotten this far, loneliness and hunger will set in. You need to make permanent plans. Friends are crucial for this.
- 3-72 hours: Choose your friends carefully. If possible, stay with one responsible enough to keep you safe but not so responsible as to rat you out to your parents. Hopefully, your friend will even abscond from his single-parent, wood-paneled nightmare with you. If you don't know anyone with this description, find a park bench.
- 3-365 days: You will need a job. We recommend reading a tome such as "The Monster Book of Science" or "The Bernstein Bears Go to the Doctor" to become well versed in your vocation. Work up some courage and go talk to a hospital director or school principal if you want to become a doctor or a teacher. If you've ever watched "Bob the Builder," a whole range of jobs is open to you at the nearest construction site. These include talking to inanimate objects and looking as though you're made of clay.
Once you're away from home for an extended period of time, your parents will marshal an army of police, firemen, and rescue workers to find you and bring you in. It is crucial to find your own hideout. Use 5 of your 10 dollars to bankroll the mortgage on an unsold house, and you'll be set. If you are ten or older and it's right after your birthday take your birthday money and some money out of your parent's wallet - use it for canned food items and fast food!
Let's face facts here. You're probably going to welch on the first street corner, once pedestrians begin looking at you like you're an orphan, and run screaming home to mama. Don't worry about it! It's a big, bad world out there, and your short stature and Barbie backpack are sort of a giveaway. It looks like you're stuck with your parents until you're twenty, and then it's not called "running away from home," it's called "finally finding an apartment."
While you won't get clean away like you fantasized, rest assured you've dealt your parents a blow from which they will never recover. This incident will resurface as emotional trauma in psychiatry meetings and custody cases for years to come, and who knows, maybe you'll have a bit of leverage next time your mom tries to cut your allowance in half, the meanie-pants. So we congratulate you. Bye-bye 'till next time, kids!
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