HowTo:Lose Yourself

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Ah, losing yourself; that terminology dates back to an unknown phonograph record in the 1900's which described losing your inner self, not feeling right with the world and feeling tons of despair. At least that what I thought it said. Losing yourself has recently gained popularity again in 2002 with Eminem's hit single aptly titled "Lose Yourself" and I'm guessing everybody's asking the question "how do you lose yourself?". Well threat not because the gurus at Uncyclopedia have fool proof methods for losing yourself and this guide will show you how to do it.

What you will need[edit]

  • Friends: It has been said that friends help you out with any situation just like mom's spaghetti, which proves perfect if you want to lose yourself. They could buy you anything you wanted and asked nothing of it; of course you could do it alone but you would need to either have a ridiculously high paying job or win the lottery in order to even think of losing yourself. Friends just make it soo much easier.
  • An apartment in a populated downtown area: You need to be in the center of it all, where clubs reign supreme and illicit crime is at all time highs. You'd be a fool thinking you could lose yourself in a suburban area; nothing happens in suburbs, there's absolutely zero crime and partying there. At least in a city you'd have a chance of losing yourself.
  • Lots of sheer willpower: Natural instincts prevent us from eating poisonous things or taking too much of a certain substance. You need to go against natural instincts if you're going to lose yourself and sheer will significantly helps in that regard. Trust me, you can go beyond drunk or go beyond sick with sheer will.
  • High pain tolerance: Trust me, you're going to need it; especially with the methods you'll be doing.

Methods[edit]

Method 1: The Alcoholic Route[edit]

They know how to lose themselves.

Good old alcohol; it has been proven to cause hangovers, beer vision and most importantly, shifts in personality. You've probably taken like one or two drinks of alcohol but what happens if you go beyond two; like say six or nine drinks of alcohol. Now you may fear drinking more, after all you have read studies that excessive drinking of alcohol can kill brain cells and shorten your lifespan but all of those studies are hogwash created by conspiracy theorists who believe that JFK was killed by someone on a grassy knoll or that the WTC was blown up by explosives; the truth is, you can drink as much as you want and everything will be fine in the end.

The method to this is simple; take your hand and pour the bottle over your mouth. Make sure to drink as fast as you can, otherwise you won't feel the effects of the alcohol. If you find yourself with an empty bottle, threat not; just take out your wallet, put down a 5 or 10 dollar bill and say specific keywords such as Budweiser or Samuel Adams; with luck you'll find yourself with a brand new bottle of alcohol. Keep doing this until you find your vision getting blurry or you feel the need to do really stupid things. If you find yourself with bruises on your hand and any variation of odd stuff such as a hooker in your room or a goat eating your furniture than congratulations, you have successfully lost yourself in alcohol.

Method 2: The Drugs Route[edit]

See this, you don't know what it is but you have to take it.

It's a known fact that drugs have been known to cure ailments and enhance health in people taking them; just look at Lindsay Lohan and Kevin Clash, they took drugs and they have had so much success in both fame and life. So much so in fact that there are even stores which are dedicated to selling drugs; of course the government banned certain kinds of drugs from being bought at these stores but it's for good reason. Think about it, what would happen if the infinite potential of these drugs were avaliable to the people? Total chaos and anarchy that's what.

The first thing you need to do is to visit a drug store, which shouldn't be far due to proliferation from drug selling companies such as Walgreen's and CVS. When you get there, you'll need to find a shopping cart and when you get to the area that has the most drugs, you'll need to pilfer every drug you can get your hands on. Cough syrup has been known to provide a long lasting effect while Tylenol and Pepto-Bismol have been known to provide a calming effect. Luckily you should have the money that your friends have given you so paying for it should not be a problem, if not then you'll have to plan your escape carefully and run like fucking hell.

You may appear to have everything you need but there's still more to do. Head over to the seediest part in town; this can be identified with it's run down nature of pale wood, broken windows and indecipherable markings on the walls. When you're in there, walk in any direction and look for someone we'd like to call an illicit drug dealer, which can be identified by its puffy jacket and shifty demeanor. When you meet the illicit drug dealer, he will show you all kinds of drugs; tubes with needles in them, strange white power in a bag, what appears to be crushed leaves. The drug dealer may offer you a high price but what do you expect, it's illegal! At this point in time, you should take every drug possible, head back to your apartment and lay all of the drugs down.

How you start first is all up to you, you can take the cough syrup or you can go straight for the strong stuff and reach for that white powder in a bag; as long as you take all of the drugs, the effect should be notable. You may feel your hand shaking, your head kind of heavy and a stabbing pain in the right side of the chest but this is all the process of synergy, you and the drugs are working together to enhance your body and get rid of all of the bad stuff. If you find your room in a mess or yourself in an uncompromising position than congratulations, you have lost yourself in drugs.

Method 3: The Pain Route[edit]

Pain is one of the most essential things a person can feel. It's a sharp sheering feeling that varies from soft to hard and serves many purposes from exposing problems which doctors can fix to punishing someone for doing anything wrong. This feeling is often overlooked when it comes to losing yourself mostly because people who don't like pain organize protests and provide inaccurate information to the masses; but most importantly, pain can be used as a path to lose yourself. You may be scared out of your mind that your body will be in constant pain but there are people out there who are able to take massive amounts of pain, you may be one of them but you'll never know if you don't try.

There are many methods of experiencing pain; the most personal method is the box cutter method. Hey, it has negative stigma for being associated with emo but it's the best way of getting into your skin. To do this, take a box cutter and put it on your skin, than slice. It'll hurt like a motherfucker but than you will see the blood emanating from your wrist. Don't worry about the blood being lost, it'll regenerate. Another method is to break appendages; the best way of doing this is to put your arm or leg near a door and slam it heavily, that action ought to break a couple of bones, especially the elbows. If you can't move and feel pain around you than it's definitely broken.

The best method is the simplest method, which is to walk around to random strangers and start fights with them. Your journey should start at the most populated area of Downtown; (or if you foolishly live in the suburbs, your local shopping center) try to find a guy with big muscles and tall stature, those types will inflict the most pain. When you found a random stranger, provide a random insult that most like references her mother or a stranger's personal feature or if you feel gutsy, punch him straight in the gut. The guy will obviously reply back by punching you (or pushing you down) with such ferocious force that no one could handle. No matter what happens, don't run away, running signifies that you're a coward. Just keep doling out the admirable punches and try to stay standing. When you find yourself bloody, unable to move a arm or a single finger for that matter; you have truly lost yourself in the moment. Congratulations!

Method 4: All Three Routes Combined[edit]

This woman definately knows how to lose herself.

Nobody has ever thought to combine alcohol, drugs and pain into one ultra method to lose yourself but somehow I've thought of it and it's by far the most effective method to lose yourself ever. It has it all, the confusion and regret, the immense negative feelings, the exhilaration; it's so effective that no one has ever used it, except you. Yes if you really, really want to lose yourself than this is the method you should take.

First get yourself caseloads of alcohol and tons of drugs, (both legit and illicit) whether you got the money from your friends or just stole it is none of our concern. Once you got those things, you might want to piss someone off to the point where he follows you home. Now that you have everything you need, it's time to get started. First, start by taking all of the drugs that you have in excessive doses, make sure to use the alcohol to down them as you need something to swallow the pills and alcohol technically has water. You should start to feel weird, this is the beginnings of losing yourself; if you scream and are having trouble moving than you are definitely losing it.

However, you haven't entirely lost it yet. The guy you pissed off will enter your house and with his sheer rage, he will beat the living shit out of you; Your ribs, your arms, even your balls, nothing is safe from the beatdown. Once the beatdown ends (which varies due to length), you'll find yourself bloody, unable to move, in constant pain, feeling the need to throw up and being unsure of who you are. Congratulations, you have truly lost yourself.

Conclusion[edit]

Hopefully one of these methods will allow you to lose yourself the same way Eminem did in 2002; there may be negatives to this kind of thing, like lack of self confidence, impaired thought function or even death but all of these things are just an illusion of your mind, they were planted there by detractors of losing yourself. The positives of losing yourself are real however and they hugely benefit you, you gain a new sense on life that you've never had before, your creative side gets a bash in the head, everything in your body feels rejuvenated times ten. What's stopping you from losing yourself? there are so many benefits and zero downsides so go on and pick a method now; I guarantee you'll come out a better person for doing this.