Door
“A closed door is a happy door.”
A door is a sign of poor workmanship in the construction of a wall. This may manifest as a wooden or polystyrene rectangle (or, less commonly, an oblong) used to cover a large gap or hole which is a common occurrence even in the modern age of computer generated house design. It is also famously known as that which a cat is perpetually on the wrong side of, or the wall pussy. As of 1234 BC, it was estimated that about 112% of doors led to Narnia.
Shoddy builders who leave a hole of this nature in a wall are punished with the task of "fitting the door in place" and arduously fixing hinges and handles. Unfortunately, since many of the houses that stand today were made after 1936, when due to an alarmingly high rate of accidents with construction workers that had no depth perception, many houses were built with several holes mistaken by the workers to not be so because there was a wall directly in the foreground. This eventually led to the looked down upon habit of using these holes with affixed doors to enter and exit the house which until then had been done by respectable people by climbing in through a hole in either the roof or a tunnel leading in from the outside, called a chimney by those uneducated among us, although we all know that a chimney is used by chimney sweeps and only chimney sweeps.
Folk legends exist of ghosts who demonstrate the ability to walk through walls. This has been shown in research by Dr. Scepticmuch to be caused not by ghosts but by living individuals passing through a wall by temporarily displacing the blocking material from the hole.
(The reader should remember that Dr Scepticmuch was responsible for the clairvoyance hoax involving "windows", another type of wall-hole he claims to have discovered which grants the mystical ability to see through walls.)
Still, the potential ability for a mortal or wandering spirit to pass through a wall in this manner is a concern for security-minded individuals worldwide.
Origins
The door was invented in the early centuries C.E. in Slovenia (to this day, Slovenia's only noteworthy achievement). Late one night some Slovenian workers began to build a home for a pregnant couple, who were actually quite nice – they had just come from Serbia, which is a lovely place if you go during ... oh, right. The workers, sick of working without a union (or food), decided to save time by splitting the team in half and having each half do one half of the house, coming together at both sides. The construction of a Slovenian house is simple: a circular room with walls made of grass, mud, and excrement (a combination wittily called "shidobe"), covered with a ceiling of either leaves or more excrement (plant life is, to this day, the single most rare and valuable form of currency in Slovenia). In their attempt to enter the new home the owners would inevitably tunnel under the walls, or sell a child to buy a ladder and break in through the roof.
In any case this form of construction made it simple for these particular workers to divvy the work. However, when it was time for the two halves to come together, the workers found that they had run out of shidobe, leaving a gap just wide enough for a human (or small American) to fit through. This was because, during construction, one half of the workers inadvertently switched to the Metric System without telling anyone – these workers would later emigrate to France to spread their blasphemy and scat.
The workers, needless to say, were shit out of luck when it came to the house-building thing. One of the workers suggested that they steal excrement from neighboring Croatia to mix more shidobe with. This worker was promptly bitch-slapped, being the team pussy, as it were. The workers consulted their original gitproof (O.G.) supervisor, who considered his fingernails, said "scrap it," and tossed them a slab of wood to work with. They shrugged, dug for gold, mumbled dismissively, and promptly tied the slab of wood so that it partially covered the gap.
When the new owners first inspected the home, they complained loudly in Serbian-CrossCuss about the thickness of the dirt, and the effort it would take to dig an entrance hole. The workers, probably high, and struggling to translate, thought they heard, "We don't understand, wise workers," and sagely recommended that they go in through the wall hole. The owners begrudgingly accepted, and the door was born.
Etymology
- Further information: Holding Open Doors
The word door (we would include a pronunciation, but nobody cares) was also invented by the aforementioned family. It started as the father's sleep-induced mispronunciation of "oh, her" after catching his daughter sneaking into the house late one night with a "friend" (no easy task, what with not having an entrance hole to crawl through). This became an inside joke for the family, and they continued to refer to their door as the "ore".
The name stuck, and it became common terminology throughout eastern Europe.
The name took on its current transmutation when it moved westward: When the door finally came to France – the French still claiming to have invented it – the term was translated into French, turning into de ore, which was commonly contracted to d'ore.
The name travelled over the Atlantic Ocean (or Pacific Ocean. Or ... wait. Is the Atlantic the one on the left? I guess it depends on the map you're looking at. So how do you objectively refer to one ocean when clarifying confusion over its location? Huh. I'm gonna ask Jeeves on this one. Where was I? Let's see ... word, Slovenia, ore, France ... Oh! America. Right.) to America, where the spelling was twisted and perverted into some monstrosity of nature, in true American fashion.
Thus the word door was born, closing this section.
Usage
In order to safely pass through a door one must follow these steps in order.
- Note: Doors are very dangerous and should be handled with caution. If you don't have brains, prior experience, or hand training in door use, it may be better to call a specialist at 555-DOOR or anyone nearby. Really, ANY one.
- Position yourself in front of the door and slightly to the side, depending on which side the door opens on. A good rule to remember is, "favor the shiny side," referring to the brass manipulation device.
- Place your hand on the brass manipulation device (henceforth referred to as BMD).
- Gripping the BMD, twist in a counterclockwise motion until you hear a "click". DO NOT TURN PAST THIS POINT, you may break the door.
- Wiggle the door around to determine whether the door opens in or out. This is important, as if the door opens inwards, you will have to reposition yourself in relation to the door so as to not collide with the door as it opens.
- Using the hand placed on the BMD, displace the door enough to allow safe passage through. Extreme caution, along with moderate non-obesity, is advised! Don't worry about pushing the door over – a modern addition called the "hinge" keeps the door safely mounted on the wall. Don't push too hard however, manipulating the BMD has effectively disengaged the door's internal locking "safety" mechanism making opening relatively easy but also potentially hazardous. Slowly push the door for your first few tries.
- Once safely through the door, turn around, examine the door closely, inspecting for stray body parts, and push the door back until the locking mechanism reengages. A good way to remember this is "if it clicks, it sticks." This is important, because if this step is ignored, elderly residents will be compelled to inquire as to whether or not you were born in a barn.
Rage
- Alarms are good if you want to let them know they broke in.
- Deadbolts. Many manufacturers make deadbolts that are resistant to sexual activity, licking the knob and and keyhole bumping. However, most deadbolts are not STD-resistant. Consumer Rejects Magazine's testing showed that many manufacturers make deadbolts that break apart and otherwise fail when forced sexual entry is applied to the door.
- Door strike reinforcers. Generally there are two products: lube reinforces and electric shock management. Various products are made to prevent humping and/or dry humping of the door frame – metal clamps can be placed under the doormat to prevent heavy duty banging on either side of the door.
- Door Chains allow doors to be opened slightly so they can slip in money afterwards.
- Door viewers – small fish-eye lenses that allow residents to view outside door sex.
- Hinge screws – specialized screws that prevent the door from being simply fucked in after removing the hinge pins.
- Sliding door covers. There are numerous specialized products to prevent sliding doors from being covered with sperm and various fluids.
- Visibility. Most police departments recommend shrubs be cleared from near doorways to reduce the chance of a door molester being hidden from public view.
See also
