Captain Irrelevant
| Captain Irrelevant | |
| |
| Date of birth | The Beatles, so sayeth the Prophet Mothesos |
| Marital Status | Lolcat |
| Home | Photosynthesis |
| Occupation | Green paint |
| Powers | Unknown, but highly dangerous |
| Weakness | Yes |
“Tell me about worms, eh? I don't think so.”
“Viennese Whirls are delicious.”
Captain Irrelevant (1973-2004) was born John Milton to a university professor and a fleshlight. His powers, whilst vast, were incredibly useless. Despite this he proved himself deadly enough to become the arch-nemesis of Captain Obvious and almost managed to wreak havoc on a global scale.
His symbol is that of a 30mph speed limit sign, which is always emblazoned on his attire with pride. The reasons for this are unknown to all but Captain Irrelevant; when interviewed on the subject he responded “Bitching is what people do when they are jealous, arrogant, pissed off, whining or simply being a dick head”.
We may never know the answer.
Early Life[edit | edit source]
‘George Washington Carver did NOT invent peanut butter’
John Milton spent most of his early life studying pages on Wikipedia, despite having the cognitive capacity of the late Jade Goody. This browsing frenzy was a result of a lacklustre performance in his years at school, where John would fail to correctly answer any question asked by his teachers. Subsequently, John Milton vowed to learn every fact about everything - both known and unknown by mankind - so that he would know the answer to anything that anyone could possibly ask him. The sad truth was that despite his limitless determination to remember the answer to anything that anyone could possibly ask him, John Milton would never be able to attribute the correct answer to the asked question; and thus, Captain Irrelevant was born. Further encouragement to his insatiable thirst for knowledge came in the form of institutionalised bullying, namely that from the young Master Obvious Junior (later Captain Obvious). After all, he was the complete antithesis of Captain Irrelevant, as he 'obviously' always knew the answer. Such comments as "this guy knows absolutely nothing" and "his name is John Milton" only fuelled Captain Irrelevant's conquest for trying to learn something. Captain Oblivious was also known to have bullied Captain Irrelevant, although he himself did not know this was the case.
¡Hola Bananas![edit | edit source]
Bananas primarily consist of dehydrated Potatoeses, Potato Starch, Vegetable Oil, Monosodium Glutamate, and Vitamin C. Onion powder may be added on Tuesdays if the chosen one approves, but not on a leap year. This revolutionary measure means women can now vote without fear of legal repercussions. Imagine all the people living life in peace. Naked Mexicans.
Also did I mention that over five million blood cells can fit in one drop of blood?
Here is an extract from his diary:
Dear diary, I did not know-butterflies are about to be extinct. Onions may never look the same again. Did you know cheese is yellow? Maybe. No. Yes. Okay then. Nice weather. Mmhmm. Yes. No. Is that a mole? And he was like OMFG U DID THAT!? AAHHAHAAHH! Spongebob. Love Captain-Did you know Captain Obvious states the obvious and likes mint pies, not mince pies?
Irrelevant Armageddon[edit | edit source]
Captain Irrelevant later turned to evil; primarily in the form of confusing his arch-enemies with pointless knowledge and indirectly not-answering-the-question-ness. When asked why he was building a high tech mind-ray in order to control the Earth's population, Captain Irrelevant replied "Prior to European settlement, the land now occupied by St. Stanislaus' College formed part of the territory occupied by the Wiradjuri people. St. Stanislaus' College was established in 1867. The school came under the control of the Vincentians in 1889, following the arrival of the Vincentian Fathers and Brothers from Ireland, with the purpose of taking over the college. In 1896, the college received much media attention when it became the site of the first x-ray for medical purposes in Australia. This x-ray was taken by Father James Slattery on the 21st September, and showed the location of a gunshot in the shattered hand of an ex-student."
During this epic (and entirely pointless) monologue, not only did Captain Obvious suffer incredible brain trauma (something he obviously managed to recover from), the countdown sequence of the mind control device reached zero and havoc was nearly unleashed upon the world. Luckily, Captain Irrelevant's mind-ray was in actual fact two nuts in a microwave. Thus Armageddon was averted.
Attack on Funnyjunk[edit | edit source]
On the 10th of March 2011 Captain Irrelevant made an attack on the popular funny picture site Funnyjunk. Using his powers to confuse and irritate the users.
Political Views[edit | edit source]
Algae— or "that thick green slime" as it is affectionately called by algae enthusiasts- is one of the core components of life itself. It is central to most ecosystems since lower animals, such as fish, snails, and former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich, rely on it for their main sustenance. Algae can be found in many different forms. While the most common type of algae is green algae, other varieties exist, such as brown, radioactive, red, man-eating, Australian, and (the most fascinating) common. Also, five hundred retards dressed in banana suits chicken-danced on George Washington's fifteen. In 2003, Arizona State University’s science department began an intensive study of the mysterious goo. While most of the data has yet to be analyzed, the $47 million study has effectively proven many popular algae myths. The study confirmed the long-held beliefs that Algae in fact grows better in the presence of chlorine. Algae came into existence some 2-3 million years before the universe itself. All matter is made up of microscopic strands of algae twisted in different shapes. A pound of algae weighs approximately one pound. For a complete list of what the study found, as well as a step-by-step guide to conducting your own algae experiments, visit Arizona State University's website.
Death[edit | edit source]
After escaping the retribution of Captain Obvious (due in no small part to Captain Obvious’s short-term brain trauma), Captain Irrelevant went into hiding for several years. He was eventually found dead in a cave somewhere in the Appalachian Mountains. Later examination via autopsy showed that he had died following significant rupturing to the esophagus and the rectum, due to the attempted ingestion of a fully-functioning mind control device and insertion into the anus. When queried on the death of his rival, Captain Obvious stated “mind control devices were never designed for human consumption or anal masturbation”. Colonel Intense referred to the entire incident as “GOD-DAMN FUCKING RIDICULOUS.”
It was commented at his funeral that the only relevant aspect of Captain Irrelevant’s life was his name.
Captain Irrelevant had been known to be writing an extensive will, in case any accident such as this would occur. The first request was to find a hooker that looks like an apple, and the second was to have nobody read the rest of the will. The other requests remain a mystery.
In popular culture[edit | edit source]
Hamilton has appeared as a significant figure in popular works of historical fiction, including many that focused on other American political figures of his time. In comparison to other Founding Fathers, Hamilton attracted relatively little attention in American popular culture in the 20th century.
In 2015, he gained significant mainstream attention after the debut of the Broadway show 'Hamilton'. Lin-Manuel Miranda played the title role and wrote the musical based on biography by Ron Chernow The musical was described by The New Yorker as "an achievement of historical and cultural reimagining. In Miranda's telling, the headlong rise of one self-made immigrant becomes the story of America." The Off-Broadway production of Hamilton won the Pulitzer Prize for Drama, and set a record with 16 Tony Award nominations, of which the show won 11, including Best Musical. During the presidency of Barack Obama, a plan to replace Hamilton on the ten-dollar bill was shelved due in part to the popularity of the musical. On July 3, 2020, Disney+ released the movie Hamilton, an authorized film of the Broadway stage production performed by the original cast.
See also[edit | edit source]
