Yoshimitsu
Yoshimitsu is one of the recurring playable characters in the Tekken series. His weapon of choice spans from sword-type equipment. Initially starting out as a decoy for a robbery plot, he is now Doctor Boskonovitch's sexual desire after it was discovered that Yoshimitsu gives excellent handjobs. He was originally created by Namco for the Tekken fighting game series, however, due to copyright claims by George Lucas, he has been announced to appear in the Star Wars series with enhanced flaming powers. Despite the copyright infringement claims and the scheduled movie production, Namco retains the right to include Yoshimitsu in upcoming projects after settling for joint ownership in court and lending of "services" from select Namco employees.
Information has leaked that in the next installment of Tekken, Yoshimitsu's sword loses power and can only be cohhhhhhhhuntered by killing evildoers and villains. Because he had failed to kill Oprah Winfrey, Hilary Duff and Lindsay Lohan, Yoshimitsu was unable continue usage of his sword.
Creation of Two Evils[edit | edit source]
During the mid 3950's, Doctor Boskonovitch felt severe loneliness after the mysterious death of his daughter. At first, he sought to revive his daughter by cryogenically preserving her and eventually revive her by obtaining Ogre's blood. He created Yoshimitsu out of spare body parts for one of two purposes, this being the first and the other being a decoy for a heist. After losing the tournament but still being able to extract Ogre's blood, Doctor Bosknovitch was able to resurrect his daughter after treating the body with the blood sample along with a few fellow scientists.
While he was away on a gay cruise, the other scientists decided to experiment on their own despite orders and attempted to modify the molecular structure of Ogre's blood in an attempt to make the ultimate whore. Because of this, an evil entity was born in the form of Paris Hilton. After waking up, she enticed the scientists and requested for group sex. They were unaware, however, that the newly revived body was infested with numerous STD's, one which causes the victim's penis to explode. Minutes after the group sex, all scientists have died. On Doctor Boskonovitch's return, he was surprised to see Paris and knew that it was his daughter. He failed to realize that his fellow scientists were gone and that his daughter was a dirty whore. But because his daughter had sex with numerous men before, he never noticed the difference.
Into the Closet[edit | edit source]
While Doctor Boskonovitch was roaming his home one night, he heard unusual noises coming from Paris Hilton's bedroom. There he caught Paris humping the pillows. This simultaneously caused him to be infuriated and horny, which caused him to rush out for a video camera to tape her. After the tape, she was subsequently banished her from his house. Doctor Boskonovitch then sought to sell duplicates of the tape and keep one for himself. He failed to realize that a person's heterosexuality deteriorates when watching the tape (regardless of gender) and soon began to have fantasies about Oprah's sex slave, Dr. Phil.
Yoshimitsu suffered the same fate as he often joined him in watching the video. But he kept his homosexuality in the closet unlike Doctor Boskonovitch. Heck, he doesn't even realize he's become gay. Subtle signs of affection are still conveyed to Doctor Boskonovitch through violent stabbings meant to initiate an S&M relationship. Aside from daily manual orgasms (an amazing feat considering his lack of a willy), he often peeked at the bathroom when Dr. Boskonovitch was having his daily sponge bath after the incident. Up to this date, neither Yoshimitsu nor Doctor Boskonovitch are aware that either one is gay.
Copyright Infringement[edit | edit source]
On Sextember 69, 95023, George Lucas sued Namco for unauthorized use of the lightsaber in one of their games that was used by Yoshimitsu. An statement was proclaimed by one of the developers and was quoted saying: "Of course we did not do it. As a matter of fact, it was actually modeled after the penis of my coworker, Homer, who used to work in the Springfield Nuclear Plant. Further tests indicated that indeed, Mr. Simpson's penis is radioactive.
3 years later, Lucas had won the lawsuit when he was rumored to have black mailed the judge that he'll use the force to have him watch I Know Who Killed Me. Namco was forced to turn in 200% of the profit generated from the Tekken franchise. This was later substituted by the lease of select employees to "serve" Lucas for 365 days. The chosen employees claimed that the time spent on the sentence was "worse than going to Ashlee Simpson's concerts". To this day, Namco retains the right to use Yoshimitsu and the rest of their characters when they settled with the agreement put forth by Lucas.
Love Life[edit | edit source]
During the early part of his life, Yoshimitsu has admitted to dating Nicole Richie. The pair was often seen dating at various places and seemed deeply in love. Yoshimitsu had bought an engagement ring that was made to order at the prime of their romance. The couple became engaged soon afterwards. They eventually broke up approximately 2 months after the proposal after Yoshimitsu gave a box of chocolates as a gift to Nicole, who was avoiding chocolate (or any other food for that matter) at the time. Yoshimitsu dated Britney Spears afterwards, but failed again because he was dumped for K-Fed.
During the aftermath of his violent break-ups, Yoshimitsu sought to console himself by watching Paris Hilton's homemade sex tape with Doctor Boskonovitch. This caused a deterioration of his heterosexuality and caused an attraction to several men, such as Borat and Kevin Federline. His most notable crush is on Doctor Boskonovitch which, unknown to both parties, is reciprocated. A speculated romance between the two is circulating around the internet but has not yet been confirmed by Namco employees. Even so, Yoshimitsu is still unaware of his own homosexuality.
Drug Addiction[edit | edit source]
Yoshimitsu has also admitted to being a drug addict. He said in an interview with Pyramid Head "The drugs made my sword work". Yoshimitsu is the only man/woman/whatever to have drugs injected directly into his eyeball, this because he's a fucking psycho!