Woodstock, Georgia

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Woodstock, Georgia.

Woodstock, Georgia should not be confused with the much cooler Woodstock, New York and especially not with anything found in the nation of Georgia, which happens to be have terrible barbeque. In Woodstock, you are out of luck if you're hoping to hear a cool psychedelic rock band playing while you are stoned out of your ass running around naked in the middle of a cow pasture, but it is an excellent place if you are a Republican who happens to like a little churchy flair in your loud guitar. In fact, pretty much everything mentioned is illegal because of the city's strict noise ordinance, effective police force and the state's instant felony for removing any clothing aside from the marital bedroom with the blinds closed. Woodstock is home to many restaurants, including all of your favorite fast food joints and a few other hit-or-miss local places.


Somewhere lost in all that traffic, but I can tell you for damn sure it's in the Atlanta suburbs somewhere. Mapquest says it is in southern Cherokee County. I think I heard it used to actually be kind of redneck. To all appearances, it still is except now they drive brand new trucks and family sedans instead of old trucks and souped up Trans Ams with flames painted on the hood. Locals suspect that interstate highway had something to do with it, but I can tell you the railroad is what did it. It has been a thriving metropolis since 1898, and only began to boom 20 years after the interstate was done, so the railroad is the only possible explanation.


Woodstock is just what it sounds like...they named it after a big pile of firewood! In fact, locals had no clue there was a town in New York, since New York to them is just a place with lots of smart ass Yankees...a view shared by the transplanted Yankees who adapted a Southern accent to hide their origins. Since it was a rather limited metropolis, it was originally a good train station. No records exist of any brothels though there might have been a saloon or too, which although once common in towns like this is now opposed by residents by a 3 to 1 margin. Woodstock used to have more woods than it does now, but Leyland Cypresses are planted liberally to hide that reality. Over time Hwy 92 got relocated a bunch of times but Highway 5 always stayed put...that is, until the interstate came. Now, local police have set up a highly obvious speed trap where it is 25 MPH for two miles. They did that because GDOT refused to let them set up toll booths on each end of Main Street. Why should they let you see the town for free when it is the best city in Georgia?


Highways 92 and I-575. That's pretty much it. If you can't find those roads, you're a dumb ass.


Being holier than thou is a family tradition in Woodstock. So much so that the little downtown church they had just wasn't gosh darn good enough for the locals. No sir, they instead built a church so big that it makes the local mall look like Wal-Mart. This way, the rather affluent local populace can remind people that they are favored particularly by God because they are blessed with a humongous sanctuary surrounded by Lexuses and Land Rovers owned by members of the congregation. Obviously, the minister has the best car, but that's beside the point. Debt aside, the reason for this also was to attract prominent figures such as politicians and CEO's (the few that aren't Jewish) so that the city would get favoritism for pet projects. The citizens of this enormous edifice also believe that in order to reach God, you must build a tower to Him. They also believe that a Christian rock band is necessary for that purpose as well. They're doing what they have to do since fun things like gay marriage, wife-swapping, abortion, group sex, smoking crack and swearing is not allowed. Their kids are known to get high on paint thinner, though, from time to time.

A newest religion has evolved: the Drahco-inius Mahfloy-ers religion. All followers love Lauren Lopez, Billy Piper and want to have sex with Darren Criss. It's true.


Woodstock is not yet a shopping mecca, but it damn well will be if the city leaders have it their way. Hell, with the taxes they're getting off that church they can build the damn mall themselves. Wal-Mart just is NOT good enough, and the plans are that big church will sell their complex so the city can turn it into a mall and convention center more appropriate for the local population. The members of the big church believe that bigger is always better, so they plan to build a church that brings all churches in the entire nation to shame. They also plan to build the tallest building in the state in downtown rising 180 stories with forty floors of parking decks, On the 41st floor will be another shopping plaza. The city leaders decided, "Hey, five story buildings that look kinda 'oldsy' across from the real town seemed to work out, so let's go for the full monty!". Plans seem to be on hold indefinitely, however, since things kind of fell apart for them in 2008 after half the houses in the city went into foreclosure.

Dry Cleaners[edit]

Woodstock has more dry cleaners per square mile than any other city in Georgia. This is because all of the rich people in the area don't do laundry. This is also so that they may wear their Sunday best to church without all the fuss. Owners of several dry cleaners, who are Buddhist, have complained to the city however about the constant efforts by residents to convert them to Christianity so they can go to the big church with them. Residents have responded saying "Nobody else will do our clothes right, so we are praying for them to leave their sinful ways". Church members appear to have made some headway, however, with the one Korean family in town but they apparently are in the process of selling out and moving to Seattle to be with family.

Night Life[edit]

Night life pretty much involves driving to the nearest Wal-Mart. Residents feared for their safety when they saw one too many people walking down the street fearing it might bring in a "bad element". When three bars opened, the city immediately revoked the liquor licenses to get rid of them. Residents pushed for the measure, fearing for their children and the faith-friendly atmosphere of this highly religious city. The same meeting also resulted in the arbitrary 25 MPH speed zone on Highway 5, which has helped the city pay for legal fees brought on by bar owners suing the city.

Future Aspirations[edit]

Woodstock wants to be one hell of a city, but they are a tad in debt at the moment. To finance this, all roads including the interstate will be lowered to 25 MPH to increase revenues for the city. Since local residents are generally opposed to any tax, they see no problem with pulling people over instead. These new speed limits will be strictly enforced with fines for exceeding the city's new speed limit starting at $350 for one over and $3000 for five over. City leaders felt this would be the best way to deal with the economic downturn, but when the economy improves all that cash will give Atlanta a real run for its money.