Williamsburg

Williamsburg is a small independent city in southeastern Virginia. It is not to be confused (under penalty of death) with the neighborhood of the same name in Brooklyn. Williamsburg contains the College of William & Mary and Colonial Williamsburg.

History

Williamsburg was founded in 1699 when King William and/or Queen Mary realized that they built their namesake college in the middle of nowhere, necessitating the construction of a town around it. Unfortunately, although they jointly named the college, William took all the glory for himself while naming this town. True feminists call it Marysburg instead. Williamsburg became the capital of Virginia for many years, attracting such unsavory characters as George Washington and Thomas Jefferson. When Richmond later became the capital, these folks cleared out, leaving only the College and a Psychiatric Hospital as the only real centers of activity in town. In the 1930s, a descendant of John D. Rockefeller bought the entire town and turned it into something truly unholy called...

Colonial Williamsburg

The architecture of central Williamsburg is hideously old-fashioned. This is because residents refused to renovate any buildings since 1776. Thus, the town is used as a refuge for colonial time travelers, who continue to live their daily lives unaware that it is no longer 1776. You can visit Williamsburg and taunt them. They use horse-drawn carriages instead of cars, leading to unbelievable amounts of horse crap all over the roads. This is the origin of the "Colon" in "Colonial" Williamsburg.

Tourism

For unknown reasons, Colonial Williamsburg is the most popular tourist attraction (and tourist trap) in Virginia. Tourists come from all over America to make fun of the time travelers who are duped into running an interactive "living history" museum the size of five city blocks. Tourists can watch blacksmiths make horseshoes, weavers operate looms, and surgeons perform amputations without anesthetics or sterilized equipment. Entire families visit, but the attractions are more interesting to adults, while children tend to feel like hostages. This does not stop schools from bringing entire field trips there. Colonial Williamsburg has remained a profitable tourist trap for ninety years and counting, causing many other businesses to spring up in the city to cater to tourists.

William & Mary

Unfortunately, the town was built around a triangular hellhole known as the College of William & Mary. (Using "and" instead of "&" in the College's name is punishable by death.) Because of this, nowhere in town is safe from students, and nowhere on campus is safe from townies and tourists. Students menace Colonial Williamsburg by jumping naked into the Governor's Palace garden, crowding into Wawa in the middle of the night, and sneaking into the "bars" (a few mediocre restaurants) despite being under age 21. Tourists menace the campus by asking students for directions to the Sunken Gardens (where students run naked), the Crim Dell (where students swim naked), and other dull places on campus despite likely having a Maps app on their phones.

Roads

Occasionally, fools try to drive modern cars on the horse-only roads. Less foolish drivers have a variety of paved roads to choose from. While these are not literally crappy like the horse-only roads, they are certainly crappy in other ways. Three different intersections have been known as "Confusion Corner," where accidents are hourly and traffic tickets rain down like dollar bills in a strip club. This is due to the unholy combination of students, tourists, and beleaguered locals all trying to share the same tiny, slow roads, both in cars and on foot.

Tourists take a few major roads to get in and out of Williamsburg. Interstate 64 has exits for VA-199 (Humelsine Parkway, which forms the stomach-shaped southern border of the city) and VA-143, which leads to the Colonial Parkway, a harrowing brown concrete slab with no lane markings or streetlights. It is just like a road in colonial times, except that in the past vehicles did not exceed 5 miles per hour. The Colonial Parkway also leads to Jamestown and Yorktown, which are just as obsessed with history.

Photo Gallery

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  Colonial Williamsburg, home to time travelers and tourists.

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  Time travelers going about their daily life, unaware that it is no longer 1776.

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  Watch out for horse poop!

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  Tourists want to see the Sunken Gardens, not knowing that students run naked there.

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  Tourists want to see the Crim Dell, not knowing that students swim naked there.

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  Students also run naked in the Governor's Palace gardens, which are off campus.

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  A close-up of the Governor's Palace gardens. Not pictured: naked students.

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  Colonial Parkway in all its unmarked, unlit glory!