Why?:Waste your money on nonessentials?

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Everybody knows money is tight lately. For some, it is much harder to find a job that pays a living wage. The solution is simple: Don't waste your money on non-essentials. But first, you must determine what these non-essentials are.

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Electronics[edit]

You didn't want to know about this anyway.

Who needs a television? Who needs a cell phone? Who needs audio-visual equipment? Screw Zoom, these are all non-essentials. Who needs a digital camera to record little Timmy's first steps? Nobody, that's who. Who needs all these cords and cables to connect everything? Who needs computers anyway? We don't need any stinking computers or cell phones. Who needs to communicate with anyone else? The internet is a privilege, not a right, nor even a regulated utility. Communication is for snobs and lazy people who don't want to go out and actually visit other people in person. Nobody actually wants to know the latest news. It is all bad news anyhow, and it is probably coming your way.

Admissions and Fees[edit]

Sorry, you cannot enter.

Zoo trips. Movies. Plays. Concerts. Amusement Parks. Nightclubs. County fairs. Any place or event with a cover charge. State and National Park parking and entrance fees. Nope, you cannot meet anyone here, or even go here at all, because these are all non-essentials. Going to any of these places is a waste of money, so it would be pointless to patronize these businesses. Probably you should just stay home, because in the words of Fergie, "If you ain't got no money, take your broke ass home".

Plane Travel[edit]

So you want to visit your relative in another state or country. You say they have only a week to live. Too bad, so sad, airplane travel costs money and is a waste of money. You'll just have to drive there, even if they literally are an ocean away.

Cruises[edit]

I see what you are doing here. So you still want to visit that relative and want to take a boat. But it would be a long boat ride across the ocean, and you will need food for the journey and a place to sleep. So you think you can just take a cruise with the smallest indoor bedroom to visit them. Guess what, bad news, cruises are a waste of money, and we don't want to waste money now, do we? You would probably just get the flu or something on that cruise anyhow.

Weddings, Funerals, and Parties[edit]

You can literally spend an unlimited amount of money here. So just avoid the temptation and avoid these things at all costs. You want to get married, just elope. Someone dies, just bury them yourself, it is as simple as digging a 6 foot hole. Flowers and caskets are a waste of money. Parties: Waste of time. Who needs to celebrate things like birthdays and graduations anyway? Cake? It is fattening and sugar-filled anyway, so don't even bother with a cake unless someone else brings it.

Services[edit]

A bowlcut.

So you want a tattoo. Too bad, that is a waste of money. You want your hair cut. Too bad, you can cut your own, because having someone else actually do a better job on it than you would be a waste of money. There's a reason they call it a "bowl cut".

You want to go to a restaurant or fast food. Too bad, those are a waste of money too - that is why you cannot buy restaurant food or any heated food from the deli on food stamps. Restaurant food, especially fast food, is full of sugar, salt, and fat, which are all bad for you, so just skip it. After working 50 hours a week at minimum wage, just go home and cook. If you are on welfare, or just working one part-time job, you will have plenty of time to cook anyhow. You want to go out to your local coffee or tea shop. Guess what? You get to brew your own at home, screw the baristas, because that is a waste of money too. To save even more money, skip the sugar and creamer too, and get used to black coffee and unsweetened tea. Americans eat too much sugar anyway, that is why they weigh more than people in Africa and Asia. Even the Chinese know sugar is bad for you.

Continuing Education[edit]

So you want to go to college. College educations and trade programs cost money. Lots of money. So don't even bother to waste your money here unless you want to be in debt for the rest of your life. So you want a certificate? Only if your employer is willing to pay for it. If not, sorry, too bad so sad, it obviously won't help you much in your current job anyway. Books are a waste of money too, just borrow a used, dog-eared copy from the library. You can even tear a couple pages out, like the borrower before you did.

Hobbies and Art Supplies[edit]

Bonus time!

Hobbies are expensive. Art supplies are expensive. Instead of figurines for tabletop games, or collecting items that just collect dust on a shelf, save your money. Instead of buying a kit of colored pencils, art paper, pastels, or calligraphy set, just save up the money for a nice inexpensive can of spray paint. It only costs about $5.00 US, and will last you a long time. You will have great fun expressing yourself and get lots of street cred for doing this. Bonus points if you manage to make your mark on the side of a bridge that is more than 20 or 30 feet high, or a signpost that is more than 15 feet off the ground on the freeway.

Toys[edit]

Sorry kids, there is no Santa Claus. He got lost again. Besides, shouldn't you just do your homework? Oh, that's right, you are only 2 years old. Here, play with these keys. Hopefully nobody left an electric outlet uncovered. Just don't drop them down a hole or lose them. Locksmiths are an unnecessary waste of money. So Johnny, you just turned 13 and want a skateboard or bicycle for your paper route? Sorry, you are just going to have to walk all ten miles of the route until you save up enough from that paper route yourself.

Don't waste your money on toys for your kids. They can, and will, play with the trash someone left behind, or investigate that giant anthill in the backyard. Or maybe they will take the term "fire ants" literally and find a lighter to burn down the nest - and your lawn, and a few other unnecessary items, like trees, bushes, or the fence. Insects and arachnids are fun to watch, and even touch. Or, you could just take your 4-year old with you to work for a day. Staplers make great toys. Or, if you work in fast food, you could even teach your 4-year old how to cook with a deep fryer.

Pets[edit]

Pets are a waste of money. Who really needs pets? Sure, they are cute and cuddly, but they cost money. You don't have the money to spend on pets, so if you have a pet, just set it free. Stray cats find plenty of songbirds to eat, and stray dogs are good at finding trash and other animals to eat, and are not shy about begging strangers for food. Gerbils will have no problem finding grain in your neighbor's pantry to eat. Besides, your neighbors will love you when they find your boa constrictor or tarantula in their backyard. If you have fish, if they are large, eat them. If they are small, just donate them to your local zoo or any medical office with an aquarium. You may need to sneak in at night to do this. If you have a colony of ants, just set them free in your backyard. You will probably find them back in your pantry snacking on anything edible that is not in a sealed can or plastic container. As they say, if you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it is yours. This proves that ants love humans.

Utilities[edit]

Who needs electricity? The Amish live without it, and so can you. Just light some candles at night and use paper and pencils to record stuff and draw anything that requires a picture. Who needs phone service? Most of the phone calls are just surveys and marketers these days anyway. Who needs water at home either? Just visit the community well, or the community bathrooms. That's right, just wash your hair in the public bathroom. Nobody cares.