Wet floor sign
“I'm glad they warned me that there's water on the floor.”
“We should also put a sticker on doors to warn people that it's autmoatic so people won't... run into them?”
The wet floor sign is a species of carnivorous plant found in nearly every part of the world. With no natural predators in the wild population control is nonexistent and their numbers are reaching epidemic levels. Appearing in various shapes, colors, languages, and sizes, their aggressive evolution shows no short-term signs of slowing down.
Physiology[edit | edit source]
The common wet floor sign is yellow in color and appears seemingly defenseless. This bright and bold banner allows the wet floor sign to stand out in even the poorest lit grocery store aisle (a favorite hunting ground). Mother Nature has given this plant's digestive system a two-fold surprise. When a potential victim nears the wet floor sign excretes a slippery fluid near its trunk. This pool of death IS the sign's digestive fluids. Unable to resist its sweet yellow color, or the 3/$1 sale on tuna fish (another cleaver ploy of the sign), the faint of heart and footing approach. As the prey is ensnared the sign then patiently waits for the fluid to begin its slow slow break down process. Scientist speculate if left to completion the digestive process would take a little over 9,000 days, in optimum conditions.
The wet floor sign is a brash and cocky member of the plant kingdom. As exhibited by its painfully slow digestive process it is saying to its prey, "hey, I ain't goin' no where!". Also typical foliage includes a design that implies you WILL fall (usually to your right) with your arms and legs flailing wildly. The subconscious suggestion is so great that the elderly fall victim to the sign extremely often, resulting in broken hips and a clean up on aisle 3.
Cultivation[edit | edit source]
With no obvious signs of budding, seeds, spores, roots, bark, chlorophyll, or dirt like other plants, the reproductive cycle of the wet floor sign has long been a mystery. In an almost stunning discovery botanists at Lew's Skool of Spuds n Stuff found a growing trend in the signs. They postulate that all known wet floor signs are grown by a Mr. Mojado. Piso's continued success with his cross-pollination has even made him be so bold as to put his name on recent strains of the deadly plant. Witnesses have even watched these Piso Mojado floor signs being planted by agents of Mojado in broad daylight, often in the path of shopping carts and those electric scooters that really fat people have to ride at Wal-Mart.
CAUTION![edit | edit source]
Scholars at Lew's Skool also think the sign has traits of psychopathy and shows symptoms of bipolar disorder, exhibiting as a sick, twisted sense of humor. Words of CAUTION, or ACHTUNG, or WATCH YO STEP FOO, are often found adorning the sign.
Scientific Findings[edit | edit source]
Studies show that the purpose of Caution Wet Floor signs is defeated by the fact that it is actually more likely that you trip over a Caution Wet Floor sign than slip on the (usually dry) surface it is growing on. Also, they ironically never reproduce except with yo' momma.