Wallachian Uprising
The Wallachian Uprising was a short but intense armed conflict that took place in early 2019 in the Beskydy Mountains, specifically in Wallachia, in response to the attempt by the terrorist organization Islamic State to impose its radical religious laws in the region. Originally, it was a political and religious attempt under the leadership of Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi to move some of the fighters from the Middle East to Central Europe. Their goal was to dominate local communities that were completely unprepared for such ideological and violent pressure.
Background[edit | edit source]
The Wallachian uprising broke out in response to the attempt of the terrorist organization Islamic State to expand its influence into Central Europe and impose radical Islamic laws on Wallachia. After the jihadists led by Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi began occupying the Beskydy region and posted the first decrees in Rožnov pod Radhoštěm, which included, for example, the execution of homosexuals and the introduction of Sharia law, the local residents decided to resist. The proud Wallachians, known for their intransigence and deep connection to Wallachian culture and freedom, could not accept such a drastic change in their region and began to organize armed militias to defend their way of life.
Chronology[edit | edit source]
January 1, 2019[edit | edit source]
A controversial cartoon of the Prophet Muhammad is published in Trnky Brnky[1]. The world erupts in outrage. Though Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi was supposedly killed in 2018, whispers claim his spirit still lingers, hungry for revenge. Islamist radicals from the so-called Islamic State see an opportunity. Moravia is unprotected, forgotten. They set their sights on the Beskydy Mountains.
January 3, 2019[edit | edit source]
Disguised as tourists and pilgrims, the Islamists infiltrate Wallachia. Their goal is to occupy Rožnov pod Radhoštěm and the surrounding villages. Sharia law is imposed. Alcohol is banned. Pork is outlawed. Women are ordered to cover themselves. Locals are wary but still fail to grasp the scale of the threat.
January 10, 2019[edit | edit source]
The breaking point comes when Islamists desecrate local pastures. Sheep are raped. Farmers returning from the hills find their animals traumatized, injured, some dead. The news spreads fast. Wallachians gather in silence. No orders are needed. Old weapons appear. Rusted Mausers from World War II, shotguns, pitchforks. In the mountains, an axe is always within reach.
January 12, 2019[edit | edit source]
An Islamist, desperate to escape the growing fury, disguises himself as a sheep. A shepherd rapes him.
January 15, 2019[edit | edit source]
The Moravian Liberation Army[2] (MOA) steps in. Officially, there is no mandate, no declaration of war, but crates arrive under the cover of night. Assault rifles vz. 58, Dragunov sniper rifles, MG 42s, and ÚK vz. 59 machine guns. A single tank, a T-55AM2, is pushed off a transport truck and left with a full tank of diesel.
January 18, 2019[edit | edit source]
In Rožnov, Islamists enforce their rule with public beatings and executions. Women are whipped for disobedience. Men are punished for drinking. Farmers are thrown into ditches and buried alive for refusing conversion. The streets reek of blood and piss.
The first counterattack comes in the night. A Wallachian woman, beaten earlier that day, returns with a shotgun. She aims for the nearest Islamist’s groin and pulls the trigger. By morning, Wallachians move in groups, weapons loaded, faces grim.
January 19, 2019[edit | edit source]
A Zetor tractor is modified for battle. Metal plates welded to its frame. A Mauser M1918 Tankgewehr mounted on top. The real weapon, however, is something else entirely.
An old man, repurposes a M1943 mortar with a 570 mm barrel. It is loaded not with shells, but with living ammunition. Wallachians take turns shitting inside a wooden outhouse mounted on a sled. When pressure builds, the entire structure is launched. The shit-propelled projectile reaches speeds of up to 150 km/h. The first strike lands in an Islamist camp near Velké Karlovice. The stench alone incapacitates several fighters.
January 20, 2019[edit | edit source]
Islamists dig in near Radhošť. The high ground offers a strategic advantage. It does not matter.
Women in makeshift body armor charge first. Shotguns, old Soviet grenade launchers, knives. Some do not survive the initial push. Their corpses are used as cover. Children rain stones from the cliffs. Slingshots are loaded with glass shards, nails, and dried pig shit. The stench clings to everything.
The Zetor battle tractor plows through the trenches. Its armor holds. The Mauser rips through whatever flesh remains. Those who do not fall are beaten with flails, trampled into the frozen ground, or hurled off the cliffs.
January 22, 2019[edit | edit source]
The final assault on Radhošť begins. Machine guns carve through Islamist defenses. Grenades made from glass bottles and moonshine explode in fireballs. The shit mortar fires another payload. The projectile lands directly inside a makeshift Islamist bunker, sealing them inside. The oxygen burns up as the methane ignites. Inside, men die screaming, suffocating in a coffin of flaming excrement.
The battle ends when the last survivors are thrown off the peak. The frozen ground at the bottom swallows their broken bodies.
January 25, 2019[edit | edit source]
Islamists retreat to Rožnov. There is no escape. The resistance follows. The battle does not last long. The town square becomes an execution ground. MG 42s rip men in half. The streets run red with gore.
Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi is caught near the municipal office, surrounded. He tries to speak. No one listens. A Wallachian buries an ice axe into his skull.
His corpse is pissed on, dragged behind a tractor, and dumped in a pile of pig shit.
January 28, 2019[edit | edit source]
The final survivors are butchered. Those who beg for mercy are buried alive in manure pits. Some are chained to plows and dragged through the mud until only strips of flesh remain. Others are stripped naked, covered in slivovice, and set on fire.
Women who fought are given first rights to the corpses. Some castrate the dead, others carve pieces off for pigs. The pigs, well-fed, squeal in delight.
The shit mortar fires one last time. Its final payload: a pile of dismembered jihadists. The remains are scattered across the hills, left for the crows.
January 30, 2019[edit | edit source]
Wallachia is free.
In Rožnov, people drink. The outhouse mortar is mounted on a pedestal in the town square. Children climb on it, laughing. Women drink side by side with the men. The fields are cleaned. The pigs are fattened.
International response[edit | edit source]
European Union and NATO[edit | edit source]
The European Union reacts with cautious outrage at first to reports of Wallachians fighting the Islamic State. Then the details emerge. This is not war—this is a biblical purge.
The Wallachians not only kill their enemies. They violate all norms of human decency. The Muslim fighters are disembowelled alive, flailed in the town squares, rolled in feces, impaled on pitchforks, and drowned in barrels of slivovice. Dead bodies are dragged behind tractors, fed to pigs, and thrown off Radhošť mountain like garbage. In a particularly gruesome killing, Wallachians make a bonfire, tie an Islamist to a rotisserie, and roast him while singing folk songs.
Tales surface of ritualized feasting—organs are removed from newly dead bodies and roasted over open flames. Fact or rumor, the world is outraged. Islamists disappear, but so do the bodies of the proof.
Brussels is paralyzed. NATO threatens an air strike, but the intelligence reports are grim:
"Wallachians have been able to bring down drones using nothing but slingshots and rusty screws propelled at supersonic speeds. Attempting an air campaign can get pilots blinded by airborne fecal material."
Ursula von der Leyen faints at the mention of the words "shit mortar". Emmanuel Macron calls for immediate humanitarian intervention, but Germany refuses to deploy troops for fear they will suffocate on manure fumes before even reaching their targets.
United States[edit | edit source]
Washington is in panic mode. The CIA doesn't know how to classify Wallachians. They are not Islamists, communists, or neo-Nazis. They are just fucking crazy.
The Pentagon is considering a surgical strike—until they receive the latest report:
"Wallachian children have learned to disable cruise missiles by throwing pitchforks into their guidance system. Any attack can be countered by a counter-barrage of biological warfare in the form of airborne diarrhea."
Meanwhile, FOX News makes a fatal mistake. In an emergency broadcast, they show a map incorrectly marking Wallachia as being in Texas. Militias from Houston and Dallas begin occupying farms, thinking Wallachian horror is already on American soil. Panic breaks out.
And then, during a live FOX News broadcast, something happens that shakes the world. A furious Wallachian peasant storms the studio. In one axe swing, he splits the anchor's head in half and, before millions of stunned viewers, defecates on his twitching body.
Middle East[edit | edit source]
When news reaches Iraq and Syria that Islamists have been killed in ways too terrible to describe, a jihad is declared against Wallachia.
"These dirty pigs must be destroyed, militant imams state."
"They defecate in the streets and kill believers with pitchforks."
They must burn."
Protests break out across the Arab world. Wallachian effigies are burnt—but since nobody knows what they look like, several Polish folk dancers are burnt in error instead.
Turkey[edit | edit source]
Recep Tayyip Erdoğan issues his harshest condemnation yet:
"Wallachia is a disease. A cancer on Europe. They must be erased from history."
The Turkish parliament debates whether or not to declare Wallachia a terrorist state, but one thing stops them from making a decision:
"Any Turkish diplomat who enters Wallachian territory will be immediately covered in feces and torn limb from limb by rabid shepherds."
In the end, Turkey decides to pretend that Wallachia does not exist.
International Media[edit | edit source]
The international media is baffled by the horror that is occurring in the mountains.
CNN airs a four-hour special, titled:
"The Manure Genocide: How the Wallachians Became Medieval Butchers"
Le Monde publishes an op-ed:
"They urinate on prisoners. They lick blood off pitchforks. They are Europe's nightmare."
The ultimate, final insult comes from Sudan, when its government issues an official statement:
"Wallachians are filthy cattle who shit in the streets. Even we are disgusted."
When Sudan, a country where war crimes are a daily occurrence, denounces you as "too barbaric", the world knows that Wallachia is beyond redemption.