Vampire Ninja
“ Why the hell hasn't anyone thought of this yet?!”
Vampire Ninjas. Yes, they DO exist. I should know. I am one. So there.
Origin Of The Vampire Ninja[edit | edit source]
You may well wonder how on earth a Vampire Ninja could exist, what with the fact that vampires don't tend to prey on ninjas as they're just too damn stealthy.
Well, under normal circumstances, such a hybrid would indeed be impossible. However, thanks to the wonders of good old Genetic Testing At The Hands Of Crazed Scientists (responsible for such wonders as Frankenstein and possibly Ninja Pirates), these blood-crazed ultimate stealth wonders are available for all to witness...then be subsequently butchered.
Anyway, on to the Actual Story...[edit | edit source]
The history of the Vampire Ninja begins with a certain character (quite literally) named Hojo, a Jenova's Witness who was a High Priest of the Church Of Latter Day Summons (Order of the One-Winged Angel).
Hojo was doing his daily rounds of genetic mindfuckery, when he suddenly decided to create a being that combined the effortless style and l33t stealth of the vampire with the effortless style and l33t stealth of the ninja (what can I say, the guy was bat-fuck insane).
After many rounds of absinthe and Anne Rice novels, Vincent Valentine, the first Vampire Ninja, was born (read: expurged from a test tube).
(There is speculation that a goat was also involved in the process. This claim is so far unfounded, and to be honest, if it is true, we don't want to know.)
However, on creating Vincent, it was discovered that the sheer amount of ninja pwnage combined with vampiric bloodlust made for horrific mass killing sprees, which Vampire Ninjas plague the world with to this day (when they're not doing their hair and makeup). Unable to deal with Vincent's destructive mood swings, Hojo locked him in a coffin for a few thousand years (right after he used him to beat Final Fantasy VII and kill 12/13ths of the Edward Cullen fanbase; sadly, this latter task would prove to be just not enough...).
But Vincent had plans of his own. You see, his coffin actually became his (somewhat cramped) secret lair, in which he developed the second generation of Vampire Ninja. Examples of these can be seen in the Blade movies.
After that, Vincent's creations buggered off and bred, creating the elusive race that exists today.
Modern-Day Vampire Ninja[edit | edit source]
Appearance[edit | edit source]
Nowadays Vampire Ninja are characterized by their all-black clothing, which is fancier than that of a ninja, but not so fancy that it interrupts their ability to disembowel. This clothing is often skintight, with lots of pretty lace and damask patterns. All Vampire Ninja have inherent powers of seduction. They also have immaculate hair and makeup (yes, even the guys; it is often rumoured that the average male Vampire Ninja's beguiling femininity and expertly-applied kohl has the power to turn on even the most heterosexual man).
Of course, if you ever do counter Vampire Ninja, my advice would not be to gaze at the pretty clothes; rather, you should RUN LIKE HELL. (Unless you have hot hot sauce/dark chocolate; see next section.)
Characteristics[edit | edit source]
- Insane, constant thirst.
Vampire Ninja are born from ninja pwnage and vampiric bloodlust, as was mentioned above. They are best satiated (briefly) with a ninja poison or insanely hot hot sauce and some dark chocolate. The actual bloodthirst only happens once a month (thank God), and occurs much like a ninja kill: short and extremely bloody. Vampire Ninjas need not drink much blood, like the average vampire, simply because they are also ninja, BUT GOD, DO THEY PWN. Deny a Vampire Ninja hot sauce or dark chocolate, and you're a dead man/woman/Transformer/Zombie Jesus/[insert other].
- Abilities
Vampire Ninjas have all the powers of a Vampire, which include:
- Blood-drinking (duh); In extreme situations, the Vampire Ninja can remove their fangs and use them as kunai.
- Levitation (or they could just be jumping up and down realllly fast; no-ones gotten close enough to find out)
- Shapeshifting (this can extend to animals or simply melting into shadows. Either way it's pretty badass)
- Becoming invisible (very good for uberstealth)
- Mind-reading
- Telekinesis
- Telepathy
- Crawling up walls (this is also a ninja skill, so they're really rather good at it)
- Maintaining perfectly-coiffed hair even after 1,000+ kills (always good)
They can also perform all ninja skills such as:
- Having amazingly quick reflexes
- Gravity-defying kicks
- Sneaking about very, very quietly
- Silent, efficient kills
- Deadly poisonmaking skills that don't work on them because they are part vampire, so it also acts as brewing skills (because they are also part ninja, and therefore also drunken master)
- Perfect proficiency and accuracy with every weapon ever made (and even some of the LOWTDEBS) other than guns
- General silence: they have funny Japanese/Transylvanian accents so they don't talk much because they get embarrassed. Bless.
- Swearing fluently in Japanese and Transylvanian, but stil with a funny accent
- They can even do things you didn't know Ninja could do!
Some have come to the conclusion that, because of the awesomeness of this combination:
- They can cause most of their enemies to asplode instantly
- If necessary, they can split into a vampire and a ninja
- They can kill things that are already dead (twice if necessary)
- They can be used in rock-paper-scissors to defeat the bomb that some n00bs use
- They are one step below Chuck Norris on the food chain (on the same level as Trogdor, or maybe even higher)
Weapons[edit | edit source]
Vampire Ninja have a magnificent array of weapons at their disposal, possibly even more than the Spanish Inquisition and the Death Star.
Not only are they experts at every ninja weapon ever conceived from birth (including katana, shuriken, kunai, grappling hooks, etc.), they also employ small Ninja Bats to aid them in their work.
The Ninja Bats are extremely vicious and bloodthirsty. They tend to go for the jugular, which has led many to believe that they are not bats at all; rather, they are a batlike subgenus of the Beast Of Caerbannog, a.k.a. The Rabbit With Big Pointy Teef.
Enemies of the Vampire Ninja[edit | edit source]
Well, to be honest, just about everyone who stands in their way.
However, they can be really quite sociable if offered a cuppa, and are very pleasant on a day-to-day, non-killing basis. So, nobody really hates them, as they're really nice people.
Or, it could be that voicing dislike at a Vampire Ninja inevitably leads to a certain, bloody death. In more ways than one.
It has been scientifically proven that only Chuck Norris' omnipotence can kill a ninja vampire. However, it is possible that Trogdor, Ubergrues, Super Saiyan Goku 3.14159..., Zombie Jesus, Vampire Jesus, Cyborg Ninja Pirate Jesus, Cheese Jesus, and (probably a stretch) This Guy.
Whether any of these guys have the balls to attempt such a thing is another matter entirely...
What to do if being attacked by a Vampire Ninja[edit | edit source]
Well, they're immune to garlic, sunlight, crucifixes, holy water, poisons, knives and guns...in fact, they're immortal. Crap.
So offer him/her/it a bowl of spicy ramen, ninja poison (if you are a ninja), or a really hot hot sauce (they love the taste of them) and dark chocolate. This will probably get them to leave you alone and go attack someone else, since they're probably just thinking with their fangs anyway; vampire ninja attacks always leave somebody dead, so make sure that it isn't you.
And no, you don't turn into one if you get bitten; no human could handle so much pwnage to mutate from within their bodies. You'll just end up dead.
It's good to be a vampire ninja!