User talk:Winstanley1/Works In Progress
User:Winstanley1/Works In Progress[edit source]
An article I'm working on about a fictional Tabloid columnist called Tarquin Middleton.Its nearing completion and just needs an ending. Any Ideas on how to finish/ improve this would be helpful. --Winstanley1 23:28, 15 December 2007 (UTC)
|
A big mug o' reviewin' strength tea? Why, that must mean this article is being reviewed by: UU - natter  (While you're welcome to review it as well, you might like to consider helping someone else instead). (Also, if the review hasn't been finished within 24 hours of this tag appearing, feel free to remove it or clout UU athwart the ear'ole). |
Hmm, a lengthy article deserves an in-depth review. Here goes...
| Humour: | 8 | I like this, I really do. It's quite well sustained, and there are some really good lines. The bit about "cancer that does my shopping", for instance, made me chuckle. I also like the way it gets gently more weird as it goes - it's a gradual descent, and it works well for me - it sustained my interest quite well. The TS Elliot bit is handled quite nicely too. By the time the bit with the dolls arrived, I was really enjoying it, but had the nagging feeling that it may be getting a tad lengthy (or maybe that's because my tea was growing tepid). See comments below for more. |
| Concept: | 9 | No problem, I like it. Seems fairly original to me, and I like the measured approach you're taking. |
| Prose and formatting: | 7 | Well formatted and so forth, and the overall style is good - it hits just about the right tone. Unfortunately, I twitch at spelling errors, and this article made me twitch enough to spill some of my tea. Give me a shout when you think it's good and ready and I'll nip through with my big spelling broom.
Also, as observed elsewhere it's possibly a bit long for its own good. Based on recent VFH comments on other longer articles, I'm not sure how many people will have the stamina to make it to the end. |
| Images: | 6 | I'm not sure about this re-using the image over and over thing. It certainly fits with the newspaper theme, but, well, perhaps just a subtle alteration each time, to empasise the descent into gloom? Perhaps they just get darker? Perhaps add faint shadows over his shoulder? I also think that, in an article of this length, you need a few more pics - see below for suggestions. |
| Miscellaneous: | 7.5 | Averaged |
| Final Score: | 37.5 | I really like this. That nagging feeling it may be too long for some won't shift - at the least you need to wrap it up fairly swiftly, at most, possibly a little trimming might help. I've made more notes below, as is my wont, and give me a shout when you're done, I'd love to see the finished product! |
| Reviewer: | --Sir Under User (Hi, How Are You?) VFH KUN 23:02, 19 December 2007 (UTC) | |
OK, the big issue here is coming up with an ending, you're right. I'm not certain on the best way to end it myself, but here's a few thoughts:
- In the corpse friendly woodland seems an apt place to end it - perhaps he decides to stay there, surrounded by corpses, in the hope that their presence might inspire true depression? I'm sure his editor would be "happy" to grant him an extended sabbatical, leaving a cursory "this column is indefinitely on hiatus until the writer returns" message of some sort? Or would that feel like a cop-out?
- Or perhaps the following week's column is written by a different author, explaining that as Tarquin is now working with the police on an exciting new project, he is taking over. And in view of the column's popularity, he will be chronicling his own attempts to discover if talent can be gained in other fashions. Starting with voodoo rituals, or something.
Of course, by this time you may well have had that moment of inspiration yourself and come up with a good ending, if not, possibly one of those might help you (even if you stumble across a decent idea while rejecting them!)
Other thoughts:
Starting to write a will with writer's block? That seems like a good set up - are you missing a punchline to that one, or did you think it was too easy and leave it hanging? I'd like a punchline to it, myself.
Images: a couple more might not go amiss. A good pic of some suitably creepy china dolls, perhaps, and if you could dig up a faintly disturbing gingerbread man, that would be great too. Or an angry man banging a desk for the bit with the editor? That kind of thing, anyway.
And the other thing is, although I harp on about the length, on another read through, I can't easily see what you could get rid of. I dunno, maybe get a second opinion about the length...
And finally, thanks for a good read! A good ending, a tweak to the spelling, and a few more pics, and this will be a really good article. Hope this helps! As always, this is only my opinion, others are available, and good luck! --Sir Under User (Hi, How Are You?) VFH KUN 23:02, 19 December 2007 (UTC)