User:Zana Dark/Xristianity
Xristianity, pronounced "Christianity" (although for legal reasons, if anyone asks its pronounced "splooge"), is the worshipping of the iconic figure of "Xris' Mum". Similar to the Virgin Mary of the Cathlic faith, Xris' Mum is the mother of a miracle producing child, known as Xris. Followers can be heard chanting 'Xris' Mum' on the streets or as a replacement for song lyrics.
Miracles performed by Xris include, gaining a respectible job with incredibly long hair, passing Amazon.com's aptitude test and conjuring computer game consoles from his anus. Also it has been reported that Xris himself never sleeps unless it is drug enduced. This some say explains how he managed to gain a Level 70 on World of Warcraft so fast.
Early History[edit | edit source]
A little over a year ago, two friends and benefactors of Xris were both spoken to by Her Holiness, Xris' Mum during a spitroast. It was well known that Her Holiness did not speak pre-coital, and she informed them that to hear her speak during sex meant they were now blessed. She told them to begin a religion, worshipping herself and ridiculing her son whenever possible. As proof of her power she gave them miracle type powers, and named them accordingly; 'The Prophet of Gay' and 'The Prophet of Drama'.
Wherever either of them go they cause a ripple effect among those around them. 'Drama' causes dramatic incidents, such as fights, break-ups and general explosions of emotion. 'Gay' has been reported to make any male in close proximity more attracted to his own sex, resulting in anything from kissing to full blown romps.
Their powers have raised many questions among scientists world wide. Upon examination of the prophets' DNA, doctor's found their whole genetic make-up to have been altered. This lead them to the theory that they are in fact a new species of human, a next stage in evolution so to speak. Subsequently 'Drama' and 'Gay' have gained their own scientific names; 'Homo-Dramaticus' and 'HomoHomo-Sapian' respectively.
Despite only being a year old, Xristianity is fast gaining followers across the globe, spreading from it's hometown of Luton throughout the UK including, Bristol, Cardiff, Newcastle, Edinburgh and London. Worshipers have also been reported in the US, Czech Republic, Germany, Canada and Australia.
Xristian Holidays include Wintereenmas, Sex, Drugs, Rock and Xris, The Great Pilgrimage and the release day of any major computer game.
Genesis[edit | edit source]
- This has nothing to do with Phil Collins.[1]
In the beginning, before the 
Big Bang there was nothing. Nothing except Boobs. Giant, bouncing boobs floating in the cosmos.
No one is sure where they came from, although I have a theory that links to why men have nipples, but I suppose that's a topic for another time.
Shortly before the Big Bang, and I mean, shortly in relation to the Cosmos, so a couple million years, a piece of space dust happened to get caught in the gravity of this dual planetoid. This piece of space dust, by chance or by fate, landed upon the left Holy Nipple (otherwise known as 'Lefty', easily recognizable as the one that hangs slightly lower). The power of the Boobs gave this tiny insignificant piece of space dust a jolt, gifting it with the essence of life itself. The tiny piece of space dust now formed into an organism, and began to feed from 'Lefty'.
The organism grew over the millenia into a life-form, and then into something else entirely. The life-form grew so exponentially in size and power that it soon began too big to feed from just 'Lefty' and began to feed from the higher, right nipple 'Steve'. Eventually the the life-form outgrew even perky old 'Steve', it was now so large that the Boobs could not sustain it, but it knew only to feed. The 'thing' fed from the Holy Boobs until they sagged, deflated and ultimately imploded causing a massive explosion - the Big Bang.
A small piece of 'Lefty' that the organism had chewed off and spat out not days before was flung far off into space, eventually coming across a large blue-green planet called Earth. The last remaining piece of the Holy Boob, around 5'5" of it, disguised itself as one of the dominant indigenous species of the planet and named itself Paula. Her Holiness then went into hiding, fearful of the return of the ever-hungry-one.
Commandments[edit | edit source]
The Prophets were given 11 Commandments by Xris' Mum as an example of how Xristians should live. [2] They are as follows:
- Thou shalt "borrow."
- Thou shalt rock.
- Thou shalt pwn.
- Thou shalt not have sex in my house unless I am involved.
- Thou shalt "spitroast" none but me.
- Thou shall have as many expensive hobbies as you desire.
- All your base are belong to me.
- My robot is better than yours.
- A "booty call" from me is compulsory, failure to please is punishable by death.
- Closing windows IS enough to block out the noise of a rock band.
- Every list of 10 shalt have an eleventh so that you may "turn it up to it."
All new Xristian acolytes are required to read the entire series of Ctrl-Alt-Del and are tested on it by one of the Prophets themselves.
They shall spread the word of Xris' Mum at Temples around the Holy City of Luton. These include, the main temple 'Xris' Mum's House' and the secondary temple known as 'The Church of Inkermans'.
An argument recently broke out at the Church of Inkermans, between the Prophet of Gay and Xris himself (it is thought to be the result of the 'Prophet of Drama's' powers). 'Gay' objected to Xris not revealing Her Holyness' true name to him, and when he did 'Gay' was so disappointed with what it was a fist fight almost broke out. Suffice to say it was calmed and things were back to normal, but not after 'Gay' revealed Her Holyness' name to all at the church and informed Xris he would no longer be paying for his funeral.
Great Pilgrimage[edit | edit source]
'The Great Pilgrimage' was a gathering of followers of the Xristian faith at it's main place of worship known only as "Xris' House". The occasion was that, Her holyness Xris' Mum, was among the clouds on a business trip and the temple was parent free for the best part of a week. It was a 5 day celebration of faith involving computer games and excessive amounts of alcohol. Although 'The Prophet of Gay' was not in attendance, many devout followers were.During the festivities, all of the followers, The Prophet of Drama and Xris engaged in what was later named 'The Great Orgy'. Despite Xris recieting the 4th Commandment to everyone - the sex continued for most of the pilgrimage. Upon returning from the heavens Xris' Mum was angered to find they had broken a commandment (not to mention glasses and ashtrays). But seeing as one of her Prophets and her own son were responsible, she was leniant and did not strike them down.
In the week that followed one of the pilgrims, during his bi-weekly booty call with Her Holyness was spoken to during sex. Although all Xris' Mum actually said to this acolyte was "Is it in yet?" she still spoke to him pre-coital, and was therefore bound by her own principles to bless him as she did the other prophets. Therefore she gave him a power and a title. Similar to 'The Prophet of Gay's' power, this new prophet also effects the sexuality of those around him, except in opposite, he turns all females around him a little more bi-curious, Thus earning him the title of 'Prophet of Lesbians' (Homo-Lesbialis). Proud of his new title, the Prophet told his fellows within the church, and was subsequently put down when people pointed out that in fact, it could be said women are so put off by him that they would rather be with someone of their own sex than himself. The other Prophets are convinced this was a personal joke by Xris' Mum, for making her talk during sex, yet have embraced this third Prophet as a brother (and they always seem to have cameras with them when he is around).
Schism[edit | edit source]
There is an unamed follower of the faith who has proclaimed himself a Prophet. Although having never been spoken to by Xris' Mum, or even been summoned for a booty call, the person in question has been found to have a power of his own. Calling himself the 'Prophet of Pain' he causes physical and emotional pain to those around him. Although he hasn't been scientifically tested like the other Prophets, he has been named 'Homo-Painintheassicus'.
Romance[edit | edit source]
Recently Xris has been romantically involved with Verity Magdelin. She has a power of her own many believe to have been given her by Xris' Mum herself. 'V' as she prefers to be called is the only person in existence to get better at everything under the influence of alcohol. Mainly she has a habit of beating everyone at pool at the Church of Inkermans earning her the nickname "The Flood" after the parasite in the Halo Series, Mostly because she kick's Xris' ass and scares him to death at times and not, as both 'Drama' and Xris had to assure her, that she resembles a life-sucking parasite.
Recently 'Drama' is rumored to have been romantically involved with 'the Blair Witch' and 'Cher'. 'Gay' has been seen taking various gentlemen down alleyways, including President Bush. The offspring of this match up, yet biologically improbable, is potentially lethal to all life in the universe. The 'Lesbo' has been a little unlucky in love...it seems each girl he likes goes off and dates her predecessor.
Heresy[edit | edit source]
There are some individuals, who disagree with the Xristian way. They believe Xris' Mum should be shared between all people, even those unworthy. These heathens are led by a man who calls himself "Satan". Rumour has it he was once a lover of Xris' Mum, but who was rejected when she removed her blindfold. His identity remains a secret - eye witness reports put the man at 7ft tall, with a head of flames and muscles the size of whales, then again, he could just be an average sized ginger kid. It is believed 'Satan' orchestrated the All Hallows Eve biological assault upon Xris, 'Drama' and 'V' in which an innocent beer can was brutally egged. An investigation is underway by the proper authorities.