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Hello, I'm Jesus, founder and CEO of Christianity™, the world's leading excuse for warfare. Nobody wants to go to hell, but if you've recently found yourself indulging in sin, sustaining immoral habits, or voting Democrat, then that's straight where you're headed. Fortunately, there's still hope for disgusting pagan scumbags like you. "Convert and Repent" are the magic words. A conversion to Christianity is quick, easy, and painless, and you'll see results within 30 days or your money back. Just listen to some of our happy converts:

"When I used to be an atheist, I would worship Satan by getting abortions and supporting gay marriage. Now, I'm a Christian and my mom respects me."

~ Jeff H.

"Christianity helped me realized that fun is really sin with the first two letters changed. By completely cutting fun out of my life, I can finally stand on a cloud next to Jesus when I die."

~ Mary W.

"When I was in my teens, I stabbed seventeen people on a marijuana-fueled rampage. I converted to Christianity a few months later, and I've only stabbed three people since then."

~ Rupert K.