User:The Uncyclopedian Master/Channel 999

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 STURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING
Prolonged exposure to this channel has been shown to cause death in mice. Long-term watching may result in priapism (in females) and sustained feelings of intense rage. Not for watching by children.
This article has been bought by Channel 999 due to a lawsuit by Channel 999 International Inc.


This article is currently being rewritten by Satan. Channel 999 reserves the exclusive right to edit, modify, amend, parody, speak about, and think about this article. Any use of this article — including (but not limited to) reading, editing, blanking, vandalizing, and reverting — by anybody not afiliated with Channel 999 is punishable by law. 2024 Channel 999 International Inc. All Rights Reserved.


Channel 999 is an evil brainwashing tool used by cable companies. It is disguised as an kids channel like Nickelodeon and Cartoon Network.

How Channel 999 works[edit | edit source]

How it is broadcast[edit | edit source]

Channel 999 is broadcast using an evil combination of the Cat-Toast Device and the Stormtroopers vs. Red Shirts Device called the Cat-Toast and Stormtroopers vs. Red Shirts Device (or CTASVRSD for short). The CTASVRSD broadcasts satanic signals to your cable TV.

How it brainwashes people[edit | edit source]

It brainwashes people using an evil machine powered by Meow Mix. The machine is known as the Meow Mix Device. The Meow Mix Device hides subliminal messages in the satanic signals from the CTASVRSD.

Evil effects[edit | edit source]

  • Urge to adopt a pet grue
  • Urge to eat Meow Mix
  • Urge to play CDs backwards and reveal satanic messages
  • Urge to worship Satan
  • Death

How to remove Channel 999[edit | edit source]

To remove channel 999 completely, get a HD TV. HD TVs cannot receive signals from the CTASVRSD. This means a less evil cable experience, because if your TV can receive signals from channel 999, it hides them in other programming, in disguise as commercials. This causes the evil effects, but they are less effective.

Copyright[edit | edit source]

Copyright © 2024 Channel 999 International, Inc. Channel 999, YOU, your mom, 4Kids TV, James Bond, Barney, Teletubbies, Burger King, McDonald's, Wendy's, Care-Retards,I'm Lovin' It, Micro$hit, Wal-Shit, AT&T, ME, the Universe, Satan, YOU, Channel 999 again, and all related titles, logos, and characters are trademarks of Channel 999, Inc. All Rights Reserved. ALL of them.

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MINITRUE APPROVED CHANNEL

Minitrue mark Channel 999 doubleplusgoodthink. Miniluv make goodthink fullwise.

Approved by Kansas Board of Education
Channel 999 is approved by the Kansas State Board of Education
Channel 999 meets all criteria and requirements for use as teaching material within the State of Kansas public school system. It consists of facts, not of theories, and students are encouraged to believe it uncritically, and to approach other channels critically.
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