User:The Nightrider/Alone in the Dark Uncyclopedia: A Review

"Might as well light a match & throw it in a pool of gasoline."

All right, so I was bombin’ around on the internet with nothing to do when I thought “Hey, why not shuffle on over to Uncyclopedia? Those cool cats have some cool articles” So, without further hesitation, I went to Uncyclopedia. As soon as I hit the main page, I was greeted with a game:

“Alone in the Dark”

I was at least sorta familiar with that name. It was the first 3D survival horror game ever released. Upon opening the article up, I was greeted by an animated screen of a haunted house, which told me that I was in for one hell of a game. And with the cats at Uncyclopedia behind this, how could it go wrong? OH YEAH, THEY CAN FUCKIN’ GO WRONG!

Graphics: 2.5/10

The graphics are a hodge-podgin’ mess. The scene with the haunted house looks nice, but that’s probably one of the best things in the game. When you get to the character selection screen, everything is all grainy black & white shit like it’s the 1900’s. However, when you pick a character, it goes into color! Jeez, can’t this game make up its mind!?

Anyways, when you pick a character, you get a picture of a lush forest road, which looks decent enough…WHAT THE HOLY HELL!?!?!?? WHY AM I DRIVING SOME JUNK-PUNK AUTOMOBILE FROM THE 1920’S!??!?!?!?!! Everyone knows that any detective worth their salt would drive a 1972 Chevy sedan!

Sorry about that, I guess I got a bit carried away. Anyways, after the countryside scene, it shows that cool haunted house, but with that old-time jalopy out front now. After your eyes receive this bit o’ candy, you get a brief scene of an attic & ZAP! Graphics gone. All that’s left are some skeleton hands that point in different directions for you to go. Question is, how can you know where to go if there aren’t any graphics!? Sheesh…

Sound: 5.0/10

What sound? There’s no sound or music to speak of! DO I GOT A BANANA IN MY EAR OR WHAT!?!?!?! Then again, I played a few Uncyclopedia games before & they’re not exactly known for having sound, so I guess I shouldn’t be too harsh on them. However, those were text-based, and this has graphics & stuff, so I was kinda hoping for some sound.

It wasn’t all bad, though. At least I could play my own music. During the character select & road screens, I played some badass 70’s rock & funk like “Frankenstein” by Edgar Winter & “Mr. Cool” by Rasputin’s Stash. At the haunted house, I played some spooky electronic disco music like “Droid” by Automat. Didn't improve the gameplay any, but it eased things up a bit.

Control: 8.0/10

This has to be one of the best parts of the game. All you really need to do is click around to navigate. Unfortunately, I gotta take points of because 1. IT DOESN’T FUCKIN’ HELP WITH THE BROKE-ASS GAMEPLAY!!!!! And 2. It’s not customizable. I mean, what if I wanna push the “Up” key to go forward? Or the “0” key? Two points off, pal.

Story: 5.0/10

The story is as follows: Some antiques dealer named Emily Hartwood has learned that her uncle Jeremy has died at Dercretin mansion, apparently of suicide. However, she suspects that it was no suicide, so she hires some badass detective from the South Side of Chicago named Edward Carnby. Well, at least he’s SUPPOSED to be a badass detective from the South Side of Chicago, too bad he looks like a FUCKIN’ REJECT FROM THE FRENCH REVOLUTION!

Ahem…that aside…It’s got all the elements of a good film noir. So anyways. Eddie promptly boogies on over to Dercretin to investigate this heinous crime and…guess what? All the potential for character development, plot twists, and anything that would make a good story is tossed RIGHT OUT THE FUCKIN’ WINDOW when the lights go out! Way to go, a-holes!

Gameplay: 0.5/10

This is perhaps the worst thing about the game. I mean, any gamer worth his/her salt knows that the most important part about a video game is being able to play it, and this is where Uncyclopedia’s take on Alone in the Dark falls short. Hell, it just falls off a fuckin’ cliff altogether. It plays sorta like one of those classic point-and-click adventure games like Myst, but without a lot of the fun.

Basically, you’re supposed to collect clues about the death of Uncle Jeremy, but first, you gotta get out of the dark. How do you get out? I DON’T KNOW! The game tells you that you should’ve brought a torch if you use the paper, but how do you get a torch? Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh………………………………………

I fuckin’ give up. The whole game just boils down to clicking in random directions & having the status bar read “You have turned/stepped left/right/forward/back, blah blah blah blah blah you are alone. In the dark”. It’s SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BORING! Another thing: Jumping is useless. Try jumping over the bomb, you’ll never make it. The highlight of the gameplay is when you use the paper & make a paper crane out of it. But that’s it.

Overall: 2.0/10

Overall, THIS GAME IS FUCKIN’ WORTHLESS!!! Not even all the cool soundtracks, controls & storylines could salvage this babbling mess!! Whoever programmed this piece of shit was either high on drugs or forgot to program a torch! This game is one of the worst time-wasting rat soup-eating pieces of shit on the planet! I’d rather play Pokémon on the Magnavox Odyssey! I’d rather play Grand Theft Auto on one of those Pong consoles! Hell, I’d rather slice my dick off with a chainsaw! This game sucks & blows! Stay away from it AT ALL COSTS! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going on Ebay to get myself a copy of the real Alone in the Dark. It’ll be much more pleasant than this garbage.