User:Strandman/13 painful but rarely fatal sins

The 13 painful but rarely fatal sins were once the most powerful sins in all sindom. But due to their prevalence in everyday life (and the fact there are 13 of them), they created a serious overcrowding issue in Hell.

Today, their authority has been greatly reduced, and are usually referred to as "blue sins" for their lack of importance. The only people who take these sins seriously are triskaidekaphobiacs and the cultural 31337.

Rise and fall of power

The sins, originally called the 13 Deadly Sins, were a collaborative effort between God and Jerry Falwell in the year B.C. 57 to set a standard for determining who pissed their lives away by doing nothing of interest and those who deserved to go to Hell. They wanted to create a Heaven that whoever was invited could enjoy themself without enjoying themself. The actual selection process for these sins still remains a mystery, but rumors have pointed toward a numbered list of events and instances, a roulette wheel, and between six and twenty kilograms of high-quality orange kitten.

After 187 years of these sins being in place, God noticed that very few people were actually getting into Heaven. Out of 372,994 dead people, only 4 (all Atheists) actually got to Heaven. God chose to write a new set of sins to balance the Heaven/Hell ratio. He created the Seven Deadly Sins and The Seven Not-So-Deadly Sins. He wanted to destroy the original 13 sins, but the thousands of man-hours and millions of dollars that would have to be spent to do so forced him to instead give them a pay cut and demote them.

Punishment Today

Ever since the demotion of the sins, no one has gone to Hell because of the 13 painful sins. In a statement released by God, one would have to sin 72,600 times just to not automatically make it to Heaven. This statement also pointed out that these sins are not tallied until the sinner has reached 40,000. An recent study by an independent research group estimated that the administration costs of tallying the first 40,000 would equal to thirty times the cost of the Catholocism Wow! program.

The Sins

1. Eating open-faced roast beef sandwiches.
2. Skinny-Dipping.
3. Skipping to work.
4. Being named Kyle.
5. Thinking that your party consisting of a 5th-level Cleric, a multiclass Barbarian(4)/Rouge(3), and a 5th-level bow-wielding ranger could possibly fight sixteen orc warriors.
6. Buttsecks.
7. Carrying a Handgun without a permit.