User:Simsilikesims/Non-Huffable Kitten

Singular?

Though the phrase "Non-Huffable Kitten" may lead one to believe that there exists only one, this is not true (think "Highlander"). The phrase is singular rather than plural simply due to the fact that most people will only come across one of these fabled creatures during his or her lifetime. If you happen to stumble upon more than one (or even worse, two at the same time) of these ferocious animals, don't be afraid. Fall to your knees and lower your head. This will not save your life, but it does put you in the position to pray that God will have mercy on your unfortunate soul.

How to Tell if a Kitten is Unhuffable

The following are some easy guidelines to judging whether a kitten you have found/bought/rented/catknapped is huffable. If you know of any that we are missing, please contact us immediately. We will hear your claim, then promptly hang up and have a laugh with our buddies at your expense.

Physical Features

• The kitten is orange. The cat will always be orange. Always. Unless it is black or grey. Perhaps it could be white, or maybe calico. Julio once had an experience with a green unhuffable kitten, but we prefer not to talk about it. After all of those years of expensive therapy, it would be a waste to bring back the memories... But still, the kitten will probably be orange.

• The kitten will not be a kitten. By this, we mean that the feline mammal will not, in fact, be young enough to be considered a "kitten" and will be a full grown version of the species. This is most commonly referred to as a "cat", but who really cares about them, anyway? Older, mature cats are not as agreeable when it comes to the process of huffing, and is more likely to react in an aggressive, life-threatening manner. Proceed with caution.

• The kitten will not be a kitten. Really, we're serious this time. If you are attempting to huff a creature that does not have fur, pointy ears, four legs, and an almost-unbearable level of adorableness, then it is probably not a kitten. But if you don't know what a kitten looks like, then you're probably an idiot. Do some research on kitten huffing before you end up hurting someone...unless it's yourself; that's perfectly fine.

• It has scary eyes. This means any kind of eyes that make you cringe or shudder when looking directly into them. This usually means bright blue or yellow eyes, but can also include milky white (blind) or crusted shut (scientifically defined as "just plain icky").

Personality

• Clawing fiercely (or, in the case of some domesticated kittens, pawing non-threateningly.)

• Meowing and complaining more than Rosie O'Donnell when she hasn't eaten in twenty minutes.

• Any kind of reaction that looks remotely like this: