User:ShizzleMacDaddy/Sex-Box
| Sex Box | |
|---|---|
| |
| Developer | Apple |
| CPU | Chimp out back throwing crap at people |
| Graphics Processor | Cheese |
| Data Medium | Gramophone record |
| Data Medium Size (diameter) | 17.5+ cm |
| Price | $3.99 |
| Country of Origin | South Northern Chad |
| South Eastern Chad Release Date | October 19, 1987 |
| US Release Date | (Import Only) |
| European Release Date | (Banned) |
| Game Styles | Gay, Tranny, Family Fun! |
| Hottest Game | Gaylo |
“The Sex-Box is truly a work of creativity and intuitive design”
The Sex-Box is the latest development from Apple. It's hit title "Gaylo" has received over 69 Dumb@$$ Game Idea awards 2 years in a row.
Best Sellers[edit | edit source]
The Sex-Box has had many Lames released for it within the past century, but only the worst dumbest popular good ok best few to be created played made it into the list seeing as how most feature naked women men in them.
- 1. Gaylo - #1 hit on the market, tons of family fun!
- 2. AnalBlazer - This game takes pride in the #1 stolen/ripped game in all of South Eastern Chad.
- 3. Gay or Alive - Benmark import
- 4. Crazy Trannies - Game of the year!
- 5. Call of Booty
- 6. Harry Potter and the Golder Dildo
As you can see... a very wide selection
Gaylo[edit | edit source]
Gaylo is truly a work of art that has inspired many school children in South Eastern Chad to perform reinactments for their parents in school plays. The game begins with a nice little opening scene where Master Jackson wakes up and puts on his shoes. Then you have to go save the film studio from being shut down by the government.
AnalBlazer[edit | edit source]
AnalBlazer is the game that really started everything. 4 out of the 5 Sex-Box players owners have an illegal copy of AnalBlazer, 3 out of the 4 post regularly on encyclopedia dramatica. The game starts off with the main character waking up at a truck stop surrounded by lonely truckers. After a half hour long cut scene, you pass out and wake up at a public restroom along the highway. More cut scenes and you find yourself in a room full of paint cans and wrenches, this is as far as ANYONE as ever gotten.
Gay or Alive[edit | edit source]
Unlike the smash hit Gaylo, Gay or Alive (referred to as GA by most fans) was never released in South Eastern Chad. GA was actually never legally released and was to remain one of the three wonders of working for apple (the other two being actually owning a sex-box and making money) however because Mac OS comes without any security, there was absolutely NOTHING stoping the boyz on Encyclopedia Dramatica from stealing themselves a copy. After learning of the theft, Steve Jobs beat the hell out of Steve Wozniak for having the same first name. Many of those who participated in the theft, sold boot leg copies to the residents of Benmark for what turned out to be a free subscription to Goa Tse magazine. As of 2007, the only method of obtaining a copy, is to import it from Benmark... which requires you go past level 3 and become the moon master of Spain the moon.
The game begins in a dark room full of magazines and the main character appears (rendered using the latest Pixel Shader 1.0 drawn by my 6 year old brother Jimbo Jackson) out of nowhere and spends about 2 hours deciding if he should read the mags or do the straight thing and live. Then there are credits.
Crazy Trannies[edit | edit source]
“Crazy Trannies is truly a work of genius and unique design”
Crazy Trannies is a game that gets people thinking "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT!!!" Of the 5 Sex-Box owners, only 1 worked up the nerve to purchase Crazy Trannies. The beast is upon the town of Transville doing stuff to people for no apparent reason. Playing as ex-cop Albert Ariel Bedwin Johnson, you must run like hell out of town because the Police Department took your guns when you were fired for drug smuggling. As your running you notice a small transsexual strip club where you decide to hide until the beast slumbers. While there, you are raped by every freaking tranny in the joint, and then realize that your mom is there... I guess that would explain some things. You, the player, then have to sit and watch 40 minutes of credits or else you have to play from the beginning again. Then the game starts and the whole world is overrun by trannies, even China. You then grab your tranny-gone big brand spray and must eliminate the tranny forces who are breaching the North entrance of the last free building, the tranny strip club.
Harry Potter and the Golden Dildo[edit | edit source]
So the harry potter is walking down da street, eating a big mac, and he seez a sex shop with a golden dildo on display. So naturally he says to himself
“Perfect! My uncle will LOVE it”
So he buys it and goes home. So after watching a 5 minute loading scene, you now get to watch a 2 second cut scene during which the harry potter is walking IN the street. So finally you get home and the harry potters uncle does not LOVE the golden dildo and so the harry potter puts it in a pot with some pot and his hair... this game has yet to be purchased.
Sales[edit | edit source]
The Sex-Box is probably the console that got apple where they are today. 1 out of every 98 people in Chad owns a Sex-Box.
Chad[edit | edit source]
Population: 6 Enough Said.
After reviewing the sales information, Steve Jobs asked the rest of the world,
“Why wont you by a Sex-Box?”
The few who got the message replied
“Because it's full of tranny games and Gay porn... We'd rather watch porn over the internet, not in some shitty game with even shittier graphics. We find it important to have standards...”
Sex-Box 69[edit | edit source]
| Sex Box 69 | |
|---|---|
| |
| Developer | Apple |
| CPU | Dual AMD Chimpturon th-ro kr-a p2 ppl |
| Graphics Processor | ATI Shredded Lettuce 5400 Pro |
| Data Medium Type | Gramophone record 2.1.7-11.5mdk |
| Data Storage Medium Size (diameter) | 25.5+ cm |
| Backward Compatibility | None |
| Price | $5.99 |
| Country of Origin | South Northern Chad |
| South Eastern Chad Release Date | January 15, 1995 |
| US Release Date | (Import Only) |
| European Release Date | (Banned) |
| Game Styles | Gay, Straight? Tranny, Family Fun! |
| Hottest Game | Gaylo 2 |
In the years following the initial release of the Sex-Box, Apple decided to give the people something more of what they... still didn't know existed. The Sex-Box 69 is that something more and has played a major role in the fight against the Microsoft xBox 360. Still only available to the now booming population of South Eastern Chad, the Sex-Box 69 has made a total of $25.
Best Sellers[edit | edit source]
The Sex-Box 69 is the ultimate in framing hardware (framing as in "I was framed"). The games never passed US law and has resulted in the arrest of Steve Wozniak and many other faithful Sex-Box owners. The Ultimate game of all time Gaylo 2 was released exclusively for the Sex-Box 69 and not for any mainstream consoles because somebody could have bought it.
- Gaylo 2 - Follow up to the smash
successhitfizzle Gaylo - Master Jackson Goes to the Beach
- Spears and Whores - Homebrew
- HELP! I'm surrounded by straight people - never completed due to lack of creative ideas
- Perfect Dark: Jail - Still in development
Gaylo 2[edit | edit source]
“I'm so glad we didn't release Gaylo 2 for the Mac because then people might see it in the stores and actually buy it”
The Master Jackson is back and this time, he wont leave the little school children alone. After his inter-galactic SPACE SHIP lands on Earth, because we all know he is from Uranus, he stops by the local pre-schools and learns what a kid is. You are arrested later that day for unprinted reasons and are found guilty. Now the task of escaping is upon you and, with the support of your inmates (who are afraid to rape you because... they just are) you find that not every little child is worth raping. You tell yourself that if you ever make it out alive, you will live out your dream and create a TV show... FOR KIDS! ... called... BARNEY!!!!! ... and then you will survive and must make thousands of episodes because the guys couldn't think of a better ending.
Master Jackson Goes to the Beach[edit | edit source]
MJGttB was an underground movement against the buff guys that always beat up the "Steve Team" (Jobs and Wozniak) whenever they go to the beach. It is powered by the legendary combustion engine ported to the Sex-Box by Nathan Scott Philips. Very little is known about this game as we were not able to obtain a copy at this time.
Spears and Whores[edit | edit source]
Spears and whores was not created by apple, hence the non-gay sexually suggestive name, and is (according to underground sources) the hottest game for the Sex-Box 69. The game has been ported to the Microsoft xBox and xBox 360, PC, Mac OS X, Macintosh System I, Apple II, OS/2, Amiga, DOS, Windows 3.1, and BASIC.
HELP! I'm Surrounded by Straight People[edit | edit source]
No review information can be posted due to legal issues and because apple is sleeping with the judge(s).
Perfect Dark: Jail[edit | edit source]
Perfect Dark: Jail promises to be the next Gaylo... as in it never gets purchased. Based on the leaked intelligence from Area 342000000012 Perfect Dark: Jail will not only not get purchased, it will also not be developed. The game is said to only exist in your mind and you must relive your past in order to play. It's a damn shame that most people don't have a past in jail.
Backward Compatibility[edit | edit source]
Apple had originally planned to include an emulator to play the original Sex-Box games but during the testing phase, they deleted it thinking it was porn about 5 minutes before the FBI showed up to search their computers. Another issue with the backward compatibility is that the original game discs are too small to fit in the new reader.
See Also[edit | edit source]
- Apple
- Developers Website
- xBox - Self appointed "Anti-Sex-Box" developed by Microsoft
- xBox 360 - Follow up to the Microsoft xBox, aka "Anti-Sex-Box 69"