User:Shabidoo/stupidcats

Stupid Cats

A stupid cat trying to understand the three dimensional world.

A stupid cat, Felinus Lentementus, is is usually confused with a "normal" cat. Sometimes normal cats are also confused with stupid cats. It is much rarer for a stupid cat to be confused with another stupid cat because there are so few stupid cats to begin with. Many smart cats are confused with other smart cats as some cats are all black or all white which could easily lead to maystaken identities. Confusing a stupid cat with another stupid cat is not an understandable mystake and it probably means you are stupid too.

Stupid cats aren't just stupid. They are a kind of stupid that you must confront to understand. If you were to ride a wagon off of a cliff to impress your friends, you would be a nobel prize winning genius compared to stupid cats. If your cat survived a lawnmower accident it would be more intelligent and attractive than all the stupid cats that have ever existed together forming one single entity and consciousness. Mentally challenged cats usually pity stupid cats as they should. Those retarded cats are still cute because they act all strange and have a hard time remembering who you are. Hey...the tennis ball went in a straight line but the retarded cat cannot work that out. It makes you giggle. Cute.

Stupid cats are not cute. Watching a cat lick the skin off of its paw and spend the afternoon eating the air infront of it is not in any way adorable. They are dangerous to be around. They defy the laws of nature and do not participate in the "survival of the fittest" game.

No one knows how they managed to evolve, how they reproduce and how they remain in the circle of life. Stupid cats keep on living despite all the incredible odds against it and the logic of everything you hold meaningful and dear in your life. Nothing can stop them, except their own self inflicted sabotage or cooking them.

Stupid cats are horrible creatures that make everything around them awful. The source of this misery and titanic destruction is difficult to understand. The feeling you have when being around is difficult to describe. One must remember though that they are not inherantly evil creatures. What ever the source of their actions is, it isn't in any way related to their thought process. They are too stupid to make decisions let alone do anything on purpose.

Overview and Knowledge

Do you have what it takes to know if your cat is stupid?

Stupid people have no idea that their cat is stupid. Are you a person who is both non-stupid and who wants to know if their cat is stupid? First you should relax. You can never know for sure. Chill out and know that you are not alone. Hundreds of people are suffering right now and don't know why. They can't place it, that thing that wroughts agony in their soul and malaise in their bown marrow. Strange how this can happen and yet these stupid cats can infact some how blend in with the world around them. Some people live their lives afraid of the truth. They don't want to recognise what is right in front of them such as a horrificaly stupid cat. Some owners with stupid cats blame the random chaos and violent destruction in their homes that acompany having a stupid cat, on simple bad luck or fate. They are unfortunate to think so. It is totally because of their stupid cat. We should feel bad for them.

Just how stupid?

A stupid cat is big time stupid, a kind of stupid that makes you stupid studying how stupid they are. Just comprehending the scale of stupid cats' stupidy puts you into a vortex of confusion and slow retardation. Their stupidity rips a hole in time and space bringing extra gravitational forces which play with our own reality and slowly destroy your mind if you get too close. It is a stupidity that makes the concept of stupid itself completely stupid. They sabotage stupidity.

Just what kind of animal

Stupid cats are organic creatures just like you, our ape relatives or for instance army ant. They have nervous systems and their blood circulates through their bodies much like us. They are born as stupid kittens and mature as stupid cats. They have waggy tails and bones formed of calcium and vitamins. Their brain is made of neurons and synapses. The neurons are completely separate from their synapses meaning there is no connection between any of their brain cells giving them no greater brain activity or electrical stimulation in their cortexes. It is mind boggling how stupid cats can even perform basic body functions let alone move or eat.

Granted, they are not quite as stupid as house plants or starfish, but they are less intelegent than Baptists and Nigerians. This is something to be ashamed of. Batist Nigerians of course is an entirely different story. As everyone knows, even plants are more intelegent then someone who is both a baptist and a Nigerian. This means that stupid cats are smarter than Baptist Nigerians too. There is at least one organic life form on this planet that is more stupid than stupid cats. Curious. Curious and scary.

World wide destruction

Stupid cats sabotage everything around them without doing anything. They are responsible for your missing left sock, your mom's unwanted pregnancy and why your TV remote batteries always seem to be out of power. They seem to suck the life out of everything. They seem to be the cause of everything and yet the result of nothing. While stupid cats are not a product of nuclear meltdowns they are responsible for most of them. And yet they accomplish all of this without ever doing anything.

Vietnamese Wisdom

In Vietnam there is a famous saying "The dumber the cat the better it tastes". Stupid cats are reported to be a divine delicacy coveted by asian gluttons. Even autistic cats don't taste quite as good as stupid cats, according to top Korean chefs.

Stupid cat or stupid owner?

One case of the infamous popularity of stupid cats is the frequent cute and mischevous appearence of the stupid cat. On September 15, 2009; a man and his idiotic girlfriend were charged in attempting to adopt a stray stupid cat. "Hey Carl, look at that cat", she had told him, "it's so helpless and alone and blind and stupid, and hey is it meowing?" After OVER 9000 several times of refusal from Carl, the girlfriend continued. "Oh, Carl let's bring it home!" Eventually, Carl gave in (due to his girlfriend being so gullible and blonde) and adopted the stupid cat. They later realized it was a stupid cat after their blood began to change colour and their pancreas stopped releasing the enzime that pancreases release. One would think they were unlucky but in reality Stupid cats live with stupid people.

Stupid Cat Theory

One of these cats is unaware that it is a cat.

Survival of the fittest does not apply to stupid cats. Darwin didn't even try to study them. Darwin was wise and never let a stupid cat within a mile of his body nor his family. Darwin knew that there are somethings that you simply cannot say much about except that there are awful cruelties in nature and one should know when to turn around and turn in your losses.

The suspicion

Anyone suspicious that their cat is behind everything that makes their life awful, but is smart enough to never say this to anyone, is wise on both counts. He is probably an intuitive person and no one would believe him if he thought his cat a source of black doom. Stupid cats do fuck up everything. They even sabotage stupidity. Stupid cats are so mind-shockingly senseless that it is imposible that they ever conciously sabotage anything. They cannot sustain their own existence let alone act on a thought.

Stupid cats' distinctive extreme stupidity is spectacular.

In general all cats are bitchy, useless, shreaking, shrill, expensive animals. Stupid cats are quiet machine like automatons that suck your your aura from your eye sockets without you or the cat aware of the process and its immediate and dire consequences. All cats seem soft, warm, and sweet, but are nothing more than calculating, bi-polar, arrogant, lazy things that swipe their claws at you when they despise your attention. On the other paw and I feel bad for you if you experience this; stupid cats are frozen zombie animals with empty souls who make you feel really bad, really awful bad, smoking grating shit, all the time.

Natural Habitat

Habitat

A book on caring for stupid cats.

A town is a medly of houses and open spaces both well kept and falling apart, expensive and abandoned, uptown and those places the police don't go. Stupid cats live in the worst of all of these places. The bottom of the tank of the msot broken rotted plank of the most condemed structures in town. When determining if a cat is stupid think: location location location. You will only find stupid cats in stupid like places. However, this logic does not work in reverse. Finding a cat in a stupid location does not guarantee that the cat is stupid.

That cat in your mentally retarded brother's Back Street Boys back pack might be a stupid cat but then it might just be intelligent and very unlucky.

Inter-species confusion

Stupid cats are often categorised with hedgehogs, budgies, and goldfish as well as other ferret-like pets. People tend to think they are all the same. These loud, noisy and dirty animals seem stupid, however the uncalled for connection with stupid cats is wrong. The confusion is caused by the inherent uselessness and sheer boredom created by having a pet like a goldfish. That someone has a goldfish is more a reflection on the owner than the animal in terms of stupidity. In other workds it makes the owner pretty stupid rather than having anything to do with any stupidity on the part of the useless pet. No, a pet hedgehog will make messes and smell a little, a stupid cat will eventually kill you.

Confusion with abused cats

This is not a stupid cat but an abused one. This cat, while still mentally damaged, can still eat, make decisions and bring limited happiness to its owner

Stupid cats may also be confused with cats who have been bashed over the head by drunken owners. These bashed cats are just trying to cope with a changed brain. Stupid cats, however, spend every waking moment shortening its own life span and destroying everything. There is a difference. Stupid cats may be confused with cats that have been violated by other cats. This confuses stupidity with the strange way a violated cat walks. Stupid cats move about in spectacularly bizzare and stupid ways, while rape-victim-cats simply walk with their anuses pointing in the air to avoid further muscle pain as they move about, but are otherwise not stupid. There is a fundamental dividingline between the two.

History

The stupid cat originates from the womb of its mother who is never a stupid cat herself, and the stupid kitten is immediately abandoned (if not having been eaten by its mother for its delicious and tender meat). How it can grow from a kitten into a cat without help from its mother is one of the worlds seven mystical mysteries. It always ends up in someones house. Despair follows.

Reproduction

Very few stupid cats have the ability to reproduce. It is inconcievable to imagine two stupid cats reproducing. It is up to us to stop two stupid cats from ever mating. Stupid cats do not realize this. Every time a stupid cat defecates it believes it has given birth to a kitten, and will usually nurture the excrement. This creates much unpleasantness for all.

Relationship with Owners

Stupid cats do many inane things that resemble normal cat behaviour. As such they are very stupid in action, but their actions are sometimes mistaken as cuteness. Anyone who finds stupid things cute are the people who buy stupid cats.

First basic testing of stupid cats

Get a ball of yarn. Give it to your cat.

If the cat:

• Plays with the yarn.

• Tires quickly of the repitition and starts cleaning itself.

• Reacts to various stimuli including multi-coloured yarn and string of different textures

• Diversifies your day trading portfolio while uploading your photos to facebook

Then you have a normal cat.

But if the cat:

• Stares at the wall.

• Fails to sense any change in time and space.

• Spends twenty minutes trying to chew on the air in front of it.

• Urinates everywhere and then falls ontop of its head and axfixiates itself on the fumes of its recently sprayed urine.

Then you should investigate further to see if you have a stupid cat.

Advanced techniques in testing for stupid cats

Starve the cat for a week, if it doesn't search for food you are onto something. Offer it food to its face, if it doesn't extend its neck to receive the food then you just may have a stupid cat. If you have to jam the food into its mouth and force it to bite up and down on it and squeeze its belly hours later to expel the waste, then you have a strong candidate.

Stupid Cats in sport

The Stupid cat derby is held every year in Bangor, Maine, around mid-July. The stupid cat has to run through certain obstacles in order to win the derby. The obstacles are as follows:

• Chasing a moving rag through a series of hula hoops.
• Running through a padded room, filled with many odors.
• Swimming through a lake filled with mice.

Barely any stupid cats have ever passed the first obstacle. When they usually see the rag, they begin to look confused, stare blankly at the rag or the hula hoop, and meow in a comical fashion. The only stupid cat to ever pass all three obstacles was Fluffy, a 2 year old Persian stupid cat. It was later revealed that Fluffy was actually a human in disguise (see Stupid humans).

Drastic Testing

Stupid cat light soup with a sprig of lemon-grass, bay leaves, Seoul style. The skin just falls off.

See main articles: Cooking Stupid Cats and Kitten Cookbook

There is only one way to be certain of a stupid cat. Sharpen your knives. When you sharpen them you should always have a wet stone and never stop until you are certain the knife has a very sharp edge. Also buy a few bay leaves, make sure they are good quality and bought from a trusted grocer. Cook the cat. If it is prepared well it tastes like chicken. If it was a stupid cate it gives you extra sensory powers for a few days. If the cat you cooked screamed throughout the preparation in blazing terror, tasted like goat, and made you violently ill, the cat was not stupid and you cruelly tortured your pet. You won't sleep for a few days.

Metaphysical Conclusion

If you are the kind of person who ha a rather unlucky life and a horrid cat, then it's probably stupid. On an unrelated note, your monitor will blow up in your face any second.

See also

• Stupid
• Cats
• Cat the Colourful