User:Shabidoo/happymonkeycompetition/2011/Lollipop
Happy Monkey Competition Winter 2011
Pee reviews for: Lollipop
Article: Fly (insect)
Pee Review from Shabidoo
| Humo(u)r: | 6.5/10 |
Where to begin. I actually laughed out loud once in the "crashed into the wall section" and laughed a few times in the over the top absurd parts. There are funny moments, some silly others more of a wah wah wah kind. But for the small text you gave it is over all okay funny. |
| Creativity: | 7/10 |
I cant knock you for creativity, theres lots of it. However, its mostly undirected creativity. Theres also not so much text. But I do give you a 7 for your wildly imaginitive mind. |
| Images: | 0/10 |
Where are they? I know for a fact you can place good images. |
| Prose, Formatting, Links: | 2.5/5 |
There is little text and very few links. Though few errors and at times its written well. |
| Concept or whatever you want to put here: | 1/5 |
What is the conecept. All articles need some kind of back bone. You can write an article well but that backbone structure makes it great. I just don´t see what it is except that flys are crazy and they are a product of crazy animals. Theres so much funny potential here but without that skeleton to keep it up it seems random and funny crazy stuff. |
| Final Score: | 17/40 |
For an article with only a few paragraphs I like how there was a LOL moment, however a picture or two, a beginning middle and end and concept could have doubled or tripled your score. If you put thought into it, and polish the text you can make a funny and good article out of this. |
| Comments: | ||
Pee Review from: Magic man
| Humo(u)r: | 1/10 |
Sorry to be so blunt, but this is quite possibly the worst thing I've ever read. All the jokes are juvenile, stupid one-liners. I don't believe this is even finished. Looking at the history, it looks like you started, then just stopped. I feel like you should just totally start over and go about it from a completely different angle. Maybe make it seem like a Wikipedia article with silly, fake, outrageous facts. That could be funny. Either way, I would trash everything you have now, because that just isn't working. |
| Creativity: | 2/10 |
I only give you a two for making up that story about the bird and the beetle. It wasn't funny in the least, bu I probably wouldn't have thought about it. |
| Images: | 0/10 |
Er... There aren't any. I would suggest starting here. If you scroll down there are enough funny things there for your whole article and more. |
| Prose, Formatting, Links: | 2/5 |
*Sigh* List time.
|
| Concept or whatever you want to put here: | 1/5 |
I feel there is no concept. You always need a concept. This article doesn't. I made a suggestion up in the humor section, but you can go any way you want with it. But remember: Always have a concept. |
| Final Score: | 6/40 |
So like I said, this is pretty bad. I will need a substantial amount of work, but it can be done. So make it longer, make it less juvenile, make it funny and it could be OK. |
| Comments: | ||
I hope I'm not breaking any rules or doing anything wrong by writing here, but, Magic Man, there are several errors in your statements about grammatical mistakes in the article. I will just list them here (someone please correct me if I am wrong in one of these points, but I looked them all up before I wrote them here):
- The "that" in "that dumb disease carrying bugger" should be capitalized. – No, because "that dumb disease carrying bugger" is not a sentence itself, and capitalization in a quote should always follow the original capitalization.
- There should be a period after "fucking fly", not a comma. – No. If there were a period, then the phrase 'Known to most ... or "fucking fly"' wouldn't be a sentence. As it is, this phrase is an adverbial participle clause, which, because it is at the beginning of a sentence, is correctly separated from the rest of the sentence by a comma.
- "most probably the most irritating creature ever" is either bad grammar, a redundancy, just sounds bad or all three. Should be "probably the most irritating creature ever". – It just sounds weird, but it is not redundancy, because the first "most" refers to "probably" and the second to "irritating", and grammatically it is perfectly correct.
- There doesn't need to be a comma between "when the beetle said" and "please mister.". – Yes there does.
- You said "Don't shower for 5 weeks. And wear the same clothes, and roll around in mud.". – But it should be "Don't shower for 5 weeks, wear the same clothes, and roll around in mud.". As I understand it, there are different conventions regarding the usage of the word "and" at the beginning of a sentence. So it is not necessarily incorrect.
- Okay thanks. I fixed it. Heh, reviewing the review... --
14:52, March 5, 2011 (UTC)
- Indeed, a "meta-review"... Schamschi
- Yesh... -- 16:43, March 8, 2011 (UTC)
- Yesh... --
- Indeed, a "meta-review"... Schamschi
