Orchids

The Orchidaceae family of flowers is known world-wide for it beauty and seductive nature, but for also being the leading carrier of sexually transmitted diseases.

Orchids are a special family of temptress flowers that bloom around June totally unlike other peasant flower families. They have delicate bodies, slim stems, and deep orifices, with small balls emanating from their lower inner region that open up once every 28 days or so to emit a rather fishy yet surprisingly fragrant scent in order to attract potential pollinating partners.

Orchids are considered to be some of the most scrumptious flowers in the plant kingdom, where pollen grains from various other plants constantly fight each other for a chance to pollinate the elegant orchids and destroy their tall slender legs in the process. Only the strongest pollen grains with the most cunning, deceptive and charismatic qualities are able to convince orchids to let their pedals down for the process of ravaging. The orchids are completely aware of their place in the reproductive hierarchy and may come off as incredibly rude and arrogant beneath their classy exteriors, but it is because of their pickiness of their sexual partners that the orchids have maintained their genetically pure bloodline for so long. However, orchids rarely live past their first year of blooming, as their shallow, egoistic sex-centric lifestyle causes a great deal of mental strain and stress that often escalates into mental disorders and self-destructive behavior.

Etymology

Orchids have been in existence ever since plants first began developing flowers for use in botanical reproduction. The name is believed to have come from the Hindu sex god Orkidia, who had the ability to satisfy the deep needs of any worshiper instantly. Orkidia was considered a prolific and virtuous god with nine beautiful wives (and husbands when Orkidia was drunk) with him at all times and was constantly in the longing thoughts and memories of thousands more females and males. However, Orkidia developed an incurable case of erectile dysfunction in his early 30's, was subsequently abandoned by his gender neutral harem and succumbed to years of alcoholism before tragically ending his own life. This historic fable parallels with the short life spans of orchids that wither away as soon their leaves begin to drop off and they come to the realization of their days of wild youthful sex soon ending.

Botanology

Orchids are derived from the species Intimius gatanticus which is of the substratum that includes flowers such as the lily, the water lily, the Sun lily and the Cuban stink rose. The Cuban stink rose and the orchid can be processed to create a white powdery mild narcotic which gives a cheap high but has some terrible side effects. Cuban stink roses are known to cause finger cancer while orchids are known to cause stiff erections for up to ten hours. It is important to know which flower to use at the right time depending on whether you wish to have an aphrodisiac or to one day have your fingers fall off.

Acceptance starts with you and me. And orchids.

Reproduction

Orchids, much like other plants, require pollination which can only be carried out by a specific genetically compatible variant of Central American bumblebees or by human touch. The pollination by human touch is a time consuming process which requires gently fondling the tips of the stems and then lightly rubbing the pollen along the petals, careful to only slightly brush one's finger tips along the petals and not to damage them. If done successfully the petals will wrap around the fingertip with a light pressure and continue tightening until an eventual small explosion of a clear sap-like substance, which has frequently been interpreted as the flower's version of an orgasm. It is speculated that the orchid may also be able to fake an orgasm without enjoying the process just like British women do every night.

Use in war

The ancient tribes of the peaceful plains of America and the New England region took up the practice of displaying orchids alongside their primitive weapons to produce a smell and stunning visual effect that would attract friendly neighbours, stimulating their senses and distracting them enough just before clubbing them to death in the peaceful and nature loving way that the indigenous Americans were known for. The leftover was something of a human stew with shredded orchid petals floating around. The natives called this "the great wind spirit unicorn pedal dance" and the human and orchid soup they consumed afterwards was called "the soup of a thousand buffalo stampedes".

Cultural use

Orchids are the ideal flower to unite people of all walks of life, including rich black men who date white trash.

In most societies orchids are given to women at the beginning of the courtship because of how strongly they're identified with the ideals of sexual attraction and womanly virtue. Indeed, giving orchids to women is seen to have the same effect as making out with them or passionately holding their hand. The amount of orchids given to the female represents either the amount of love the two share between each other or the specific expectations of the male. The quality of a man's sensuality can be easily determined by the amount of orchids he gifts to the various lady friends he's courting. Needless to say, once the courtship reaches its climax with dozens and dozens of orchids, the woman will probably not be receiving any more, and most likely never see the man again or it they are lucky will get a "it's been fun babe...I'll definitely call you".

Due to the rarity of orchids and its great expense, a lot of strapping young men are unable to buy them or maintain them properly. Hence, orchids are very class conscious and quite elitist. It is no coincidence that orchids are grown near Ivy League schools and in the colleges of Oxford and Cambridge. Orchids never grow in the gardens of the working class or in the dirty slums of shithole countries. Orchids are always sure to do lunch with fun and entertaining flowers, though ones less pretty than them and in locations where they can be seen and heard by other rare expensive flowers. It is this reason why nice, friendly and charismatic yet poor men are usually so out of their league when hitting on hot girls; they simply cannot afford orchids. Some desperate men are known to save up their whole lives to buy a few orchids to impress their dates. Once the girl realizes that he cannot afford any more by the third date, she will suggest that they take a break, to figure out just where the relationship is heading.

The future of orchids

Orchids thrive in warm temperatures so they actually totally embrace global warming.