User:Schwartzini/Horcrux
A horcrux is a physical receptacle for a portion of the soul. Although recently popularized by J.K. Rowling in her series of books about a boy who gets sent to a special school because of his problems in coping with the world the rest of us live in, the horcrux was actually invented by rabbi and radical philosopher Jesus of Nazareth, who placed a portion of his soul in his favorite cup (c.f. Holy Grail). This permitted him to perform the most famous of party tricks, colloquially known as the "showing up at your friends' party when they all think your dead" schtick. The cup has since disappeared, although it is rumored to be either in Atlantis or Dick Cheney's man-sized safe.
Speaking of whom, Vice President Dick Cheney is the only known living person to have created horcruxes to stave off imminent death -- in this case to protect him from the eight major and 34 minor heart attacks he has suffered to date. His horcruxes include:
- His shotgun (a.k.a. "Bessie");
- Karl Rove (a.k.a. "Turdblossom");
- The ceremonial gavel used to open and close meetings of the Bilderberg Group;
- Mary Cheney's labia ring;
- The skull they make you drink out of when you join Skull and Bones (admittedly, he made it back when he thought he was going to get in -- he was totally a legacy candidate); and
- "Go fuck yourself" mug Henry Kissinger gave him as a joke.
It is rumored that both Rupert Murdoch and Richard Branson also have horcruxes, but this has not been confirmed.